trustnomore's story - part 2

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#1 Dec 10 - 9AM
trustnomore
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trustnomore's story - part 2

My Story - Part Two - Long

First - thank you for taking the time to read this - I put this out because I want you to "know" me as much as you can because I know that sometimes my posts will not make sense..... thanks

My name is xxxxx. I am 55 years old and I am the oldest of three girls raised by an alcoholic, narcissistic father and an enabling mother.

My earliest memories include being lined up against the wall with my younger sister while my father flipped a coin to see which one of us was going to the adoption agency because once again we had done something wrong. This happened many times.

Of sitting in the back seat of a car with my sister while my father (drunk) was driving. It was dark and he was angry and of course we were to blame so he would be looking for a deserted spot along the road to put us out and during this time my sister and I would be crying and begging him not to do it. My mother would be in the front seat not saying anything. This too happened many times.

Of sitting in the back seat of the car with my sister while was father was drunk and driving. Of having the car go sliding and spinning in circles over and over again. I learned to pray in the back seat of that car.

Of being left alone to take care of my sisters while my parents went out and waiting at the door for my parents to come home and my father would be drunk and I would send my sisters to bed and wait for them. One night he was in a mood and wanted the other two to come down and the youngest (was 4/5 at the time) refused because she said “Susan said Daddy’s drunk again for me to stay upstairs”. Of course that was a bad night for me.

Of my father getting pissed and leaving and somehow it was my fault. I would be the one to have to call him and beg him to come home and promise that I would never ever again do whatever it was that made him leave.

Of becoming a teenager and starting to develop and getting my first “real” bathing suit. The kind with a bra cup and wearing it and having my father ridicule me in front of other adults and poke his finger in the cup and say that I didn’t have enough to fill it out. Of always being made fun of and never feeling like I was good enough.

Of having my father be “sleeping” on the sofa and if I walked by he would pull me over on top of him and ask me to kiss him. I was lucky in that I always was able to pull away and call my mom and say “Mom, Daddy thinks I am you”……

Of always, always trying to be good enough, smart enough, whatever it was I was supposed to me. I made Honor Roll all through school. But god help me if I got a B instead of an A. I was never encouraged to go to college, wasn’t ever given the support/help to choose the right classes to go – in those days you took college prep courses or “business courses”. I was told that I was going to be a secretary and I wasn’t going to college – even though I wanted it so bad – I had wanted to be a teacher.

So, I did what I was told, tried to be good enough and when I was 17 I married the boy across the alley/street. He was 3 years older than I was. I had grown up with him – he used to walk me school. Did I marry him because I loved him? I don’t think so. I thought at the time I loved him. At 17 what did I know?

We were so young and he had his issues as well – way too young to get married. I got married two months after I graduated from high school. I had our son when I was 22 and life went on….. My husband was a loner at heart with his issues and was a functional alcoholic. He went to work and he came home but he wasn’t “there”. He wasn’t a father – I did the little league stuff or the cub scout stuff and the guitar lessons for our son. I did everything. I became for all intents and purposes mother and father. I took care of the bills and I worried and I handled whatever came my way. I took care of and fixed everything. It was what I was raised to do.

I may have done many things wrong in my life but I did my very best to be the best wife and mother I could be. As I’ve found ou there were many things I did wrong but it wasn’t because I didn’t try and I didn’t love.

Meanwhile I had completely lost myself. My weight climbed and climbed until I was close to 300 lbs. My son graduated from high school and was heading off to college. I had turned 40 and my marriage was empty. I tried to fix it but I couldn’t fix it alone. I went to counseling. I went to Al-Anon but couldn’t fix it solo.
I saw a picture of myself when I was close to 41 and had my “moment”. I decided it was time to take care of me. I went to the doctors, had a physical, got the numbers and I started. I promised I would give it everything I had for three months and if I didn’t see improvement then I would at least know I gave it 100%.

So I started – that was July 1998 – by September 2000 I was running 5 miles every morning, biking 40 miles each night and weight training. I had gone from a size 24/26 to a size 4. I had lost almost 175 lbs.

I accomplished what I wanted for myself – I was happier with me than I had ever been in my life. My marriage on the other hand went further and further down the drain. My husband refused to stop drinking, refused to talk to me, refused to spend any time with me – he went downstairs and drank and then went upstairs to take a nap. So after 26 years I said I was done.

He moved out and we got a divorce and then I made mistake number one – I got involved with the first man I met. Met someone on a bike ride and I had absolutely no experience and he rushed me and we got involved. He told me that he and his wife were in the process of a divorce and that he was living with his friend. Next thing I know he is moving in with me and I didn’t know how or was strong enough to say no. Come to find out he had not been in the process of a divorce – he walked out on his wife and daughter and latched on to me.

I ended the relationship, made him leave and immediately after that had a complete emotional breakdown. Partly due to the high stress job and incredible abount of work that I was responsible for and partly due to everything that happened.

I was in pretty bad shape for over a year – gained some of my weight back . In fact, there are huge amounts of time during that period that I don’t remember at all.

I struggled to get myself back on an even keel and started to exercise again, cardio and working out, slowly I was getting myself back and felt like I was o.k. enough to maybe try the Eharmony thing. Since I’m a quiet person I knew that meeting anyone was not going to happen for me any other way. I don’t go out, I had stopped cycling (and didn’t want to take a chance on running into him again) so I thought Eharmony was the way to go.

I completed my profile – was 100% honest, because that is how I am and I started. The process seemed safe. Email was through Eharmony – only matched with people who had the same values as you (if they were honest) – then your choice on communicating outside of Eharmony. So I communicated through Eharmony with men – made a separate email account for when I choose to allow communication outside of Eharmony. I had a few dates – met some nice men at mutually convenient places. But nothing clicked. And then…..

Then I was matched with my Narcissisis – We communicated through Eharmony – he matched on so many levels and we started communicating outside of Eharmony. First through email and then through phone. He called me on a Saturday morning and said he was coming to see me and we could go have lunch or something. I was in the middle of painting the bedroom when he called and again I didn’t know how to say “hey, this isn’t a good time”. I’ve learned that I have no boundaries – I never learned how to set them.

So, he came, he saw, he conquered. He was the bad boy to my always being a good girl. He told me he had reformed and that all he wanted was to have a good life with someone who loved him, etc. etc…… I fell for the whole line, completely. He rode Harleys and worked in construction. My father was in construction, as well as my first husband. It was what I knew and understood. I didn’t understand a lot about him but I chalked it up to our cultural differences. He was from the mountains (Appalachian Mountains) – truly – and as I later discovered had the complete mentality that it was “do what I say” “keep your mouth shut” “be barefoot and in the kitchen and take care of ME!”….. I also found out that he was high on pot when he showed up on our first date – I’ve lived a sheltered life and that was never a part of it – I never realized he was on something – didn’t realized for a long time – I just thought that he was a happy guy. Looking back I know I used to wonder why he was so happy one day and then more serious the next – but again I truly had no experience in that lifestyle. I was naïve and trusting – believe me when I say that I’ll never be naïve or trusting again.

I didn’t really see this or admit I saw this until after I married him. He hurt me sexually and told me to “take it like a woman” and he did it many times. I started gaining weight again – maybe a defense mechanism, I don’t know – but here I am again and I now have to relose 70lbs and regain my sense of self-worth and the feeling that I had when I was happy.

He spent the last four years slowly and completely destroying the person that I had worked so hard to become. I completely went back to the person who doubted herself, thought that nothing I ever did was good enough, and would have bent over backwards to have him say that something loving to me. There was nothing I would not have done for him. Ran up my credit cards to fix up his house in the mountains because that was going to be “our” place – our “special place” – and we would have a place for when we retired.

I filed bankruptcy last year.

Never got a birthday card, present or anything. I would spend enormous amounts in the beginning because I had felt so bad for him never having had anything or anyone – what a joke. Never once got a birthday present from him, ordered my own Christmas presents – and spent way too much time in the past 4 years crying.

He quit his job in December of 2012 so that he could “spend more time with me” and build a business. He went completely through his retirement in the past 11 months – no business in sight and he decided in July to make a profile on Match.Com. I caught him. He broke my heart – turned it all back on me and then said he was leaving to go back to the mountains to take care of things. And that is where he is now. He still claims to love me and wants me to retire and move to the mountains. Guess he wants me to sell my house and he can live off my retirement. Not gonna happen.

Meanwhile, my son had decided to drop out of college and became a rock star (really) – it was hard work on his part – early years were lean and mean and I was the one who supported him – in every sense – I paid his bills, gave him money, gave him one of my credit cards. He did without as well – sold most of his stuff in the early days – but it paid off and he is successful – but I lost him as well – I lost him to the California lifestyle and drugs.

Two years ago we had a major blow out because he had by that time become successful and we had a difference of opinion on an important topic and he decided that he would no longer talk to be. He, too, has always played the card that he knew that he could just cut me off and that it would hurt me more than it did him.

Early this year I almost lost him to a drug overdose and I truly wanted to die. Since then we have been making our way back to the closeness that we used to have – I don’t’ know that it will ever be the same but …..

So who am I? My name is Susan and I am a mom, I am a daughter, I am a sister, I’m an adult child of an alcoholic, the ex-wife of an alcoholic, I am an enabler, I am a people pleaser, an empath and I don’t know who “I” am….. but I know that I will never again allow myself to be a doormat for someone and I will make this journey and I will do the work because as my counselor says “I had a lesson to learn” – I’ve learned my lesson – and I will not make this mistake again….

Thank you if you made it to the end - I promise I will do the work and I won't let myself down ever again.....

Dec 11 - 6PM
TruthbeginsToday
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For me, when I ask the

Dec 12 - 12AM (Reply to #4)
trustnomore
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You are so right and I want

Dec 10 - 12PM
trustnomore
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Oh an the xNH bought guns and

Dec 10 - 9AM
trustnomore
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sorry typo - he quit his job