movinon's story

My time with him

About 4 years ago, I was approached by a co-worker who worked the night shift and I worked evenings (we both work in healthcare). He wanted to let me know that he specialized in a certain type of nursing, and that if I ever needed advice in that particular area, that he would be more than happy to help me out, to just call him anytime. As we were talking, he informed me that he had a couple of different jobs in nursing, and that calling anytime was fine with him, because he had erratic hours that he could never expect me to keep track of. So I kept that little bit of info, and I would contact him now and then when I thought I needed advice when I was at work. Seemed harmless. Plus I liked that I was receiving his attention, since up until that point, he always seemed distant when our paths crossed.

A year passed, and the new gossip at work was that the night nurse was finally moving his ex-wife and daughter out of his (enormous, expensive) house, as they had continued living there for a year after they separated because they didn’t want to traumatize their daughter (she was 17 at that time) by separating and moving away all at once, so they took a year to do it. I remember at that time thinking how strange that was, as I had also been through a separation, and the first thing we did in our separation was we “separated” – we lived in separate places.

One evening shortly after that, one of the other nurses came in to work the night shift because it was “his” night off, she said she had been out with “him” for dinner, and hoped that she didn’t have the smell of wine on her breath, because she had had a glass of wine with dinner. She was very braggy about having had dinner with “him”, and it bugged me because she had a man at home. In fact, her man was a lovely man, and they had a couple of kids together, and a gorgeous new house. So, I asked her what was up with that, and she said that they were “just friends”. And at the same time, I sensed a bit of insecurity from her, like she wanted to keep him all to herself.

The next time I saw him at work, I told him that I thought it was unfair that he was taking someone out who was “unavailable”, and that he should take me out sometime. He said he would love to, and had hoped that he and I could initiate a friendship, but wasn’t sure how to tell me that. He said to call him anytime, and we’d go for dinner. I told him about a workshop I would be attending the next day, about a 2 hour drive away. He said he had some time available (which I found odd, considering he had been working at 3 jobs at that time, as far as I had known), and would love to join me, if I was ok with that. I was, so the next day we drove together to the workshop. Along the way, he said he liked the way I drive, that he felt comfortable with me when he doesn’t usually feel that way with other people driving. That kind of made me special. While driving home, he told me how he had first noticed me when he was a student, doing some practice experience on the unit I had been working on approximately 3 years earlier. He mentioned he liked my butt, that it seemed pretty special, that he had never seen a woman with a nicer butt than mine. I was flattered, but also felt a bit of dread that he was attracted to me sexually. I had been hoping that we could just be friends, as I had put a lot of effort into healing from a recent heartbreak (with a previous narc), and I really didn’t want to have to deal with this man being sexually attracted to me. He admitted he had been attracted to me from that day on, and he didn’t know how to tell me now that we are colleagues. He said I’d seemed preoccupied then, and wasn’t surprised that I didn’t remember him from there. I was pretty embarrassed that I couldn’t remember seeing him when I worked there. At the point in my life that he’d been referring to, I was going through my separation from my ex-husband, and was very preoccupied. I guess it showed.

Over the next several weeks, we would talk, go out for dinner, go for coffee, generally hang out and get to know each other. He gave me his cell phone number, and told me to call him anytime, that if I called or texted, he would answer – maybe not right away, but he would definitely get back to me within a couple of hours at the most. The next weekend, I went to a party with some acquaintances, got incredibly drunk and stayed over, and was so embarrassed the next morning, I called “him” to come and pick me up, because I didn’t want to drive (I was still a bit tipsy), and I wanted to avoid seeing everyone else who had stayed over. He picked me up straight away, and after I was settled in the car and we were driving away, he asked me, “your place or mine?”. I told him I didn’t care, that I just wanted to sleep it off, so he took me to his place. We went in and got settled in the living room of his gorgeous house, he made tea, and sat and chatted with me for a few minutes while I sang my sob story about how the guy I had a crush on went for the younger girl at the party and I proceeded to get more and more drunk. He seemed to empathize with me, and offered me a shower and fresh pj’s to change into, and to crash anywhere in the house. I felt very comfortable in his home, even though this was the first time I had ever been there. He then went outside to do some yard work. I roamed around the house, thought about the fresh pj’s (still in the package….?? I thought that was a bit strange, but decided to ignore it at the time, after all I was hungover!) and decided to have a shower, put my own clothes back on, and then I crashed on the couch (wasn’t sure I should be crashing in his bed…..after all, what kind of message would that send him?? I was a nice girl, not some flooosy!). Later that day, he bbq’d some steaks and mushrooms and brought the deck chairs out. It was spring, and the air was still a bit cool, so I went out on the deck all wrapped up in my blanket from the couch, and had a bit to eat. He seemed to be taking excellent care of me, something I would never have done for myself! Then we watched a movie, but before it started, he offered to take me home, either at that point or after the movie. I wanted to watch the movie, so I stayed, and after the movie he asked me if I just wanted to go upstairs and crash with him. “after all, it would be the natural thing to do after dinner, then a movie, to just go up and get into bed – only to sleep, I’m a grown man and can control myself – sometimes it’s nice to sleep with someone.”. I declined sweetly, and said I had had such a full day, all I really needed was to go home to my own bed. I thanked him profusely after he drove me back to where I had left my car, but he wouldn’t look at me. He just said he was hurt and disappointed, and hadn’t he behaved well all day, leaving me to rest on his couch while he could have been making advances toward me, but didn’t because he knew I had to sleep….? That’s when I felt so bad for him, and realized that I hadn’t given him much attention, considering that he was interested in me in that way. So I promised him I would come over and sleep at his house on Friday night, after we had dinner (this was on Sunday). He agreed to dinner and a sleep over, Friday night, “just sleeping”.

Of course when Friday rolled around and we had gone for dinner and went back to his place, had some wine and watched a movie, when we went to bed, we didn’t “just sleep”. And in the morning, he happily announced that I was the most amazing woman he had ever been with, and that we were starting a long-term relationship. I inquired as to what that meant, exactly, and his response was “my last one was 18 years, let’s just see how long this one goes”. I felt a little unsure, especially since we worked together, but he put my mind at ease by assuring me that we just keep it to ourselves, not tell anyone at all. So I didn’t tell a soul. Except for my best friend, who doesn’t work with us. Her reply was that I was crazy. She thought it would be a nightmare of a relationship, and I wish I had heeded her words! I had such trouble keeping it a secret, though. I sincerely felt dirty keeping a secret about the fact that I was in terrible, raging love with this man. I wanted to share it with everyone I knew! So little by little, I would tell more and more people. I requested their confidentiality, of course, but I just felt like I was his “dirty little secret”, which made me feel uncomfortable. I told him about that, and he just brushed me off. He wouldn’t really discuss it, except to say that he wished I would just shut my big mouth and not feel the need to share information with others.

Over the next few months, we had a wonderful relationship, and talked about a lot of things. Looking back now, I see lots of red flags, but at the time…..denial, maybe?...I just didn’t see them. He told me how he believed that in the past, he helped married women in their relationships by providing them with sexual satisfaction so that they could go on in their lives satisfied, and be able to communicate better with their husbands because the sexual satisfaction meant that the hormone levels were balanced, and provided them with more peace. He also said he would meet, but never hang out with my kids because there’s no point in starting relationships with them, because who knows how long we would be in each other’s lives. He also said his daughter was too distraught about his separation, that I could never meet her, it would “just kill her”. He told me lots of narc-speak, like I needed someone like him in my life, that he doesn’t “talk about” love but to observe him in action – he won’t ever say he loves me, he’ll just “do” it, and that he’s too old to lie. He said I had taken “a lot of space in my life, in fact, I’ve just removed 2 other women because of you”. He ran hot and cold, at times I really believed he loved me, and just when I was absolutely sure he did, there would be no contact on his part, or if there was contact, it was very brief. I did all the initial calling – he seldom called me except to return my call, the same with text messaging. I didn’t know if I was (as the expression goes) “coming or going”. I was so confused! He would laugh and joke with me at work in front of other people, then would walk away without saying goodbye. He always left me wanting more. I never knew when I would hear from him again.

One time, when he had the night off and we had been spending his nights off together, he texted me that he wouldn’t be going home after work, and would just contact me the next day, I asked where he was and what he was doing. His reply was, “my ex KNOWS not to ever ask me those questions, you should know too”. It turned out (or so his story was) that he stayed at his ex’s house, “on the couch, ‘cause she suspects I have a woman in my life, so she won’t let me sleep with her anymore”. As soon as he saw the look on my face, he instantly back-peddled, and made up some other story. I was pissed. Yet I didn’t leave, like my guts were telling me to!

Another time, some of the women from our work (who at this point had become very nosey and wanted to know what I was up to, but I wouldn’t give them the time of day) were getting together to party, and had invited him. He told me he was going to go out with them. I was devastated, and told him so. I was upset at not being invited, and I was also upset that one of the women (the one who came to work worried about having wine of her breath…..?....that one!) invited her friend to come from out of town especially to meet him. I lost it instantly. I went outside to gain some perspective, had to get out of the house and away from him. After a bit of thinking and calming down, I came back in, and he acted very hurt, like I had done something to him. I told him I had no idea what I was to him, if he wasn’t willing to tell these women that he had a girlfriend! I said I was going to leave, and his reply was “you can’t leave, I worked too hard to capture you in the first place”. So I stayed, and he didn’t go out with them the next night. But the woman from out of town called him while we were together, and he told her he couldn’t talk at the time, that he would call her later. I have no idea whether he called her or not. After that, he was incredibly sweet!

All along, the sex was incredible – not just at the beginning, although as time went on in the relationship, the amount of time spent having sex dwindled a bit. We would spend hours having sex together, something I enjoyed immeasurably. I’ve always wanted to be with a man who would have as insatiable an appetite as I have, and it looked as though I had met my match! He even introduced me to a few “new” things (well, new to me). It was wonderful.

Then there was last fall, when he would come to my place every Monday evening after his squash game. He played squash with a woman that he knew from one of his jobs. When I asked him why he couldn’t find a man to play with in our whole entire city, he said she was a good partner because she wasn’t too competitive and he actually had a chance of winning now and then. He said, “don’t be jealous, I’m not fucking her. If I wanted to fuck her, I would, and I’m not.” I said I wanted to meet her. Funnily enough, he didn’t play squash again at all….that I know of.

And last Christmas, there was a staff party held at a restaurant near my home. I had planned on going, and at the last minute, he decided to go as well. We got dressed up and I was about to get into his car, and he said, “what are you doing? You have to take your own car, or else people will know we’re there together.” So I took my own car. I let him leave ahead of me, thinking that we had to arrive at separate times as well, and when I arrived after him, he was perturbed that I made him wait – he had been awaiting my arrival so we could go in to the restaurant together! How confusing!! Then, I thought we should sit at separate tables, and picked out a spot with some of my work crew, and when I got up to go to the bathroom, he told me to grab my coat from the other table and to sit with him. Exasperating! We had a lot of fun together that night, and after that, people at work got the idea that we were a couple. For Christmas time, I had wonderful plans made, and bought some beautiful lingere, but at the last minute, he took an extra shift, so we didn’t get the chance to go with the plans. I bought him a lovely gift, and when I gave it to him, he looked at me like a piece of dirt, and gave me grief over getting him a gift! He, of course, had nothing for me. I was starting to feel hurt, and abused, although I couldn’t quite put my finger on what was bugging me. I was hurt that I didn’t receive a gift from him, as I truly believed myself to be his significant other……wasn’t I?.....but I was equally hurt to have him respond to the gift I gave him in that way. That cut me deep.

My birthday was the next milestone, for which he made a very huge deal. He told me he didn’t care who I invited, to just invite anyone, even if they were from work. So I invited several people out to dinner with us at one of the most popular and expensive restaurants in our area. We had dinner, and he bought me the latest smart phone. Then we spent the night in a hotel. It was a wonderful evening! Talk about running hot and cold. Don’t tell anyone from work that we are together, but get together with people from work and pretend like we aren’t together…????

The heat continued with our trip to the Caribbean for my best friend’s wedding. We were away for a week, and there was no expense spared. We went on tours, and spent time on the beach, and had a really great time away. It seemed like life couldn’t get any better. And when we got home, we continued our vacation with another couple of days off work. We just hung out, read, slept, and enjoyed each other’s company, made love. It was wonderful. I was happy, and feeling like he really was in love with me. I started to relax a bit.

By this time, he had been living away from his house, because he felt it was getting difficult to afford it, so he rented it out to a very large family. In the meantime, he had been staying with me, or staying in motels. So when he came to me with the idea that he would look for a room to rent in the city (because I live outside of the city), I thought it was a good idea, and supported him. After several weeks and interviews and such, he found a room to rent in an apartment right in the city. He didn’t want me coming with him to look at the rooms he was thinking about renting, because he didn’t want any “second opinions interfering in the decision making process”. It turned out that the place he was renting was owned by a young, single woman. One evening I called him, and said I was looking forward to sleeping over in his new place, and he told me I wouldn’t be going over there. I was very unhappy, and he could tell. He said we could meet for dinner and he would explain it to me. So we went for dinner, and his explanation was that he was uncomfortable in the place on his own, how would he feel if I were there too – probably even more uncomfortable! I was so angry I wanted to spit, so I told him where he could get off, and I walked out of the restaurant.

The next day, he contacted me and invited me to join him on a trip to a nearby city, where my parents live. I agreed to go, and we went and visited my parents. He helped my dad build something he had been working on, and I visited with my mom. We had a good day. That night, however, when we were alone, I really let him have it. I told him that I knew he was trying to make everything “right” by bringing me there, but that the issue was that he needed to learn how to tell people “I have a girlfriend”. After that, I was allowed to go to the place where he was renting the room, but only when the woman who owned it was away. Otherwise, he would come and stay with me on his nights off. I never did meet her. And eventually anytime he brought her up, he referred to her as “that little bitch” or some such put-down. I think that was his way of manipulating the situation, showing me that she didn’t mean anything to him. Still, I thought a normal person would introduce us…..wouldn’t they???

By this time, I was so sure he had been involved with other women, I was searching through his text messages on his phone every chance I could get. Anytime he was sound asleep, I would tiptoe around to his side of the bed, and search through the phone, looking for any indication of another woman. One time I found a little conversation where a woman replied to his text. He was answering her ad for a room mate. He asked her old she was, she answered that she was in her 40’s. He then asked her for a photo to be emailed to this random email address that I had never heard of. The next message was him, saying, “wow! I wish I was that yellow bike!”. I felt devastated, and at the same time, I knew that my gut was absolutely right. This guy was a player, and a very sneaky one at that. I just didn’t have any absolute proof without letting him know that I had also been sneaky by checking out his phone.

Then he started talking about taking a trip, and that he had all this vacation time at worked booked off because his daughter wanted to go away, and although she was already away with her mother in a vacation destination, she was willing to meet him in another place so she could have two vacations, one with each parent. So after he bought his ticket, I helped him with his arrangements and drove him to the airport. While saying goodbye, he gave me one of the deepest, longest kisses he’d ever given me, and said he’d miss me. He told me that he’d take me with him “next time” (this man never, ever once said he loved me, so to hear that he’d miss me was really ‘wow!’). He said if I needed anything at all while he was away, just to email him. Something came up at work, so I emailed him, and he happily emailed me back, and included some of the pictures of the activities he was involved in while he was there. He was very kind and loving to me while he was away, and assured me that he wasn’t messing around with anyone. That he was dedicated to me. When his trip was over, I picked him up at the airport, and he had a different air about him than he did when I dropped him a week earlier, like I was a pain in his butt or something. I just didn’t get it.

Then summer came and he decided he didn’t want to rent that room any longer, and went to find a little one-bedroom place to rent. He said he couldn’t handle being there, because she didn’t understand his sleep patterns (he works night shifts), and “besides, it’s not like she was giving me a good bj every day”. I looked at him sideways when he said this, and then he muttered, “just kidding”.

During the summer, I had had a bit of a blow-out with my father, who was also my landlord, and I decided that I needed to finally bite the bullet and move. I very carefully broached the subject of “he” and I living together. I had to be careful, because there was a hidden rule that one must never, ever speak of the relationship, because that would mean that he would have a little tantrum (caused by me, of course), and he’d have to leave. So I very carefully asked him about maybe he and I could kind of share, sort of, a house, or even his house…..?.....maybe? He flat out refused to live with me, saying that the kids were in the way. Well, my kids weren’t, they are teenage boys, about to launch their own lives, and were very happy that I had a man in my life who seemed to make me so happy and was very well-off, which they thought was a bonus because they worry about their poor old mom’s finances sometimes. And he was at this point, not on speaking terms with his daughter, so I didn’t really understand how the children were in our way. So I went out house-hunting, and in the end, I bought a new home, which he had absolutely nothing to do with. He didn’t come and see it at all when I was initially thinking of buying it, and once I did buy it, he didn’t congratulate me at all. His tenants broke their lease, and were moving out at the end of the month, so it meant he was moving home to his huge house, to live in alone. At that point, he said, “too bad they didn’t break their lease a month ago. You could have moved in to my house with me.” I wanted to kill him! What he just said was so opposite from the conversation we’d had a month earlier before I bought my house!! Like I said, didn’t know if I was coming or going.

On moving day, I rented a truck, and because he had worked over night, I drove my son and I to his rental in the city and we moved his stuff to his house, and then my stuff from my rental to my new house. (in this case, he was ok with meeting my son – my son was doing him a favour, helping him move!) He paid for the moving truck and went home to his place to have a nap before working that night. I went home and unpacked and tried to settle in to my new place, but I didn’t have much furniture! Thankfully, he let me borrow an extra bed he had, and my parents gave me beds for my kids. Other than that, I didn’t have much, not even dishes, because the place I rented from my parents had been furnished, and I left it all there. So a few days later, after not hearing from him at all, he and I went grocery shopping, and he bought my groceries, but he didn’t come over for dinner when I invited him.

Then I spent the next week in complete confusion. He wasn’t answering my text messages, which was weird for him, but I had seen him completely ignore text messages from other women when I was around. I immediately sensed something was wrong, so I called him. He sounded angry with me for phoning him (something I did every day, and he had never had a problem with it before). I said I would meet him at his place later, he said he was going for beers with his friend. I met him at his place later that evening, and we slept together, but we didn’t have sex. It was the strangest thing, because no matter what, we always had sex. The next couple of days, he said he was going to be busy working on a project at home, and I could come over, but he didn’t know how much time he would have to spend with me. I did go over, and it was true – he basically ignored me. So after a couple of days of being ignored on the phone, or having my texts unanswered, I went to his house in the evening and I questioned him about what was going on. He said he just wasn’t comfortable lately, and thought he might be wasting my time. He said he thought it would be a good idea to take “a bit of time”. I told him I love him and would happily give him anything he asked, he said, “yeah, I know”, like it was a curse rather than a gift. I said taking time in relationships usually ends up in breaking up, and is that what he really wanted? He said yes, and I left.

I was devastated, and one of my girlfriends suggested I try an online dating site, just to “shake” myself out of it. So I joined a local site, and was looking around, and who popped up in front of me?? HIM!! His profile listed him as looking for a woman between 20-30 years old “because that is the age of my current social group” – he is 45, I’m 44, and his current social group consists of another 40-something year old grease ball, and himself! He also said on his profile that he wants children (contrary to everything we ever discussed during our relationship). I went to his house immediately, and asked him what that was about. He said he put it up there over 2 years ago, “before you and I became involved”. I said, “really? Then why are there photos on there of your trip you took last spring??!!”. He then looked pretty sheepish, and said, “oh, but I haven’t been on there in about a month, I just did it as a joke, I wanted to see how many hits I’d get”.

I didn’t talk to him for a few weeks after that, other than seeing him now and then at work at shift change, but I’m pretty professional, so nothing much was going on between us at work. Then one day he called me, ‘cause he wanted some help with proofreading an assignment he was working on for school. So I went over and helped him with that, then we went for groceries again, and came back to his place for dinner. He asked me upstairs, and I was so proud of myself! I turned him down!!

But two days later, when he asked me out furniture shopping with him, he also bought something for my place, and we had dinner and spent the night together. He offered to lend me some money, enough to help me get set up at my place with the basics, and he said I could just pay him back anytime that I just happen to have the money. I told him that would take me a long time, and he said he wasn’t worried. He said he wanted us to continue being friends, to help and support each other when we can. So I took some money from him, and a friend and I went shopping in the city later that week. Initially he was going to come with us, but then he changed his mind at the last minute. Later that day when I was coming home with my stuff, dropped my friend off at her place, I texted him, requesting a sleep over. He said, “I’d rather not”. He came over the next day after he borrowed my car, picked up his car, and I invited him for dinner. “No. Thanks”.

A couple days later, we were in contact about trading some shifts. He had some previous commitments with another job, so I agreed to switch 3 shifts with him next month. Then one evening I was at work, and he was due to come in for the night shift. He didn’t come in. He didn’t call. I checked the staffing records from the previous few days, to see if perhaps he had called in sick, but no such record. So I called him – FIVE TIMES. I also texted him. This was totally unlike him, unless he was pissed off at somebody at work, and then he would “no show” on them, which meant they would have to stay and work his shift. I assumed that he was fast asleep, and just couldn’t hear the phone for whatever reason, so I left work for 5 min to go to his house and ring the doorbell. There was a car in his driveway that I didn’t recognize, but oh well, that didn’t matter to me at the time. I really didn’t want to work overnight, I really just wanted to go home. So I was hoping I could wake him and he would come to work. I walked up to the house and rang the doorbell, hearing music and seeing lights on. This gave me hope that he was awake, and would at least answer the door. But instead, the music was turned down and nobody came to the door. So I rang the bell again, and still NO ANSWER.

I was so disappointed! Suddenly, I had become one of the colleagues he couldn’t stand, and he was “no-show”ing on ME!! I was so angry. I went back to work, and I called the manager on call, and reported him as a “no show”. The manager asked me to stay for overtime, which I agreed to. And because I was so angry, I texted “him” all night long. I just verbally slung poo at him, calling him a narcissist, and telling him how I felt at being abandoned at work for another woman. In the morning, he texted me, “what’s all this?”. Then, “oh, shit, I forgot to come to work, I was so tired, I just crashed”. I was really mad by then, and called him and told him it was me who was ringing the bell, dumb-ass! And I told him I knew what he was doing, and that I didn’t appreciate it. I cancelled the shift trades we did for the next month, because I feel like I can’t trust him to show up and work them, and then I will be responsible for coming in to work the shifts. He believes it’s because I’m jealous and being vindictive. Honestly, though, at this point, I don’t care who he’s screwing, I just don’t want to be left at work to do a double shift while he is THERE, he’s just being irresponsible! If he had called in ahead of time, and gave some lame excuse, I could forgive him, but what he did was unforgivable to me!! I felt completely abandoned by him that night, and utterly alone.

The next day I texted an apology to him, believe it or not! I felt bad for slinging shit at him the night before. But he had spoken with our boss, and he was suspended for “no show’ing. He emailed me, blaming me for the fact that he will lose money because I won’t switch those shifts with him and he’ll have to take leave without pay, and because I reported him he had to also take leave without pay. And because of that, he demanded I pay him back every cent I owed him, and to return the bed I borrowed as well. He also said not to ever contact him again.

It’s been 12 days of NC, and I’m hurtin’. I returned the bed. I paid him the money with a loan from my father. In a way, I miss him, yet I also feel a bit of freedom. I’m hurting, because I said some horrible things to him. Plus, he’s blaming me for the money he’ll lose while he isn’t at work, and I just cannot stand to think that someone thinks I would hurt them like that! I wish it hadn’t ended this way, yet I wonder if it could ever had ended any other way? I think I would have been tied to him forever, always doing little favours for each other, never really ending any of it. As you can see, I am feeling very unsure about everything. But also very definitely feeling sad and lonely.

As I reflect on the time we had together, I now see there were a lot of red flags that I just completely ignored. I also feel the pain of cognitive dissonance, and I struggle to find any reason for loving this man so deeply, which I really truly did. In fact, I still do! Even though it doesn’t make any sense for me to. And now here I am, trying my best to not drown in tears, to learn to love myself, to heal.

Thank you for reading my story.