unbreakable's story

Narc'd twice in this life

I wish I would've found this site 15 years ago when I was in a relationship with what I now understand was most likely a narcissist. I was young and in love with a man that put on all the charm in the beginning. The relationship slowly deteriorated as did I. It only lasted a year and half and I can honestly say now that I can classify this relationship as one of the darkest moments in my life. I tried to hang on to the good times that we had in the beginning but that became a faint memory as other ugly things started to surface. The blame, the misunderstandings, the misinterpretations, the endless control, the silent treatments, the mean words, the lack of affection, and my loss of sense of self were debilitating. My friends tried to shed light on the situation, but I held on to the hope. He was also involved in substance abuse which I found out a about a year into the relationship so naturally I concluded that this is why the relationship was failing. I honestly can't remember how I mustered up the courage to leave this guy, but I did. I realized that I was crying more than I was laughing and I had to put a stop to this. My self esteem was a an all time low. I just had decided on my own and with the help of my friends to go NC. It was then that the tables were turned and he came running back to me. Classic narc stalking, calling, begging me to come back, getting his mom to beg me to come back...lovey dovey words, apologies, etc... When I wouldn't return his calls he broke into my house begging me for forgiveness. After about 4 months NC he wrote me a 5 page letter which he left on my best friends windshield wiper. My friend read the letter and told me that I should read it, that it was a very nice letter. I ripped it up into a million shreds. Never read it. I just knew reading it would've brought me back to square one and I tried to remember that this 'I'm sorry' would be the same as the others and that I'd be right back to the sad, crying, delusional wreck that I had slowly become. I tried to remember those hard times, and it was what kept me strong. I trusted my gut. Although I didn't know about narcissism then and I mostly blamed his drug abuse for the problem, I knew the way I was made to feel wasn't right. Although I never knew about this & my neighbor told me, he stalked me for 1 year, parked his car down the street from my place and watch. Never saw him again since that time he broke into my house. I wish I would have gone to therapy back then, because I took a long time to put the pieces back together. I was so broken.
Fast forward 15 years... I am now involved yet again with another Narc! Only this time I'm the OW (and I'm married). I feel so stupid for many reasons, so please don't judge me, but mainly because I didn't see the signs. I honestly felt this was a special person in my life and that circumstances brought us together. I've been NC for about 3 weeks now. He writes e-mails & texts but I don't respond. I don't even open them anymore because well, firstly, anything he says confuses the hell out of me, and secondly I realize I'm obviously dealing with someone who doesn't have the capacity to communicate properly because they have a disorder. It's been going on for a bout 1 year now. I could elaborate more about what has been happening, but it's the same old classic narc stuff: control, silent treatments, saying one thing then clarifying that’s not what they meant, wanting me one minute, cold the next, mind games, trying to make me jealous with W, showing disdain for my achievements, not showing concern for my downfalls, writing off my feelings saying'women are emotional, men are not'. It was difficult to see him post family stuff on FB about his W and 4 kids, especially declarations about how much he 'loves her'-this would happen usually right after we would have communicated. So from what I understand it must be a triangulation being done for my benefit? I've realised his Fakebook is so fake! "I love my wife, I love my job, I love my kids- all extensions of him." Oh and I've even caught on that he's stolen (if this is even possible) my humor and jokes. It's like he's sucked out my personality! No wonder I feel so drained! I feel pity for him. I used to be envious but now from what I gather life must not be that great with this man and I'm sure his W is suffering, he did admit that she tried to leave him once before. I'm almost positive that there are others now, especially since I've discovered that he prefers sexting and photo exchange to real sex. I don't look at his profile on FB & I haven't taken him off because he has some information that he could use against me. Now I'm scared because of everything I've read about how they can be vindictive and vengeful. I think we both have equal ammo to use against each other but you know how they get when they feel they didn't DD you properly and they feel like the LOSER and not the winner. The final straw was when we were going to meet up for a weekend together but because he felt like playing cat/mouse games with mixed messages, the weekend didn't happen and I didn't go chasing after him to find out why. Furthermore I blocked my photos and feeds on my social media streams. 3 weeks went by and that’s when he decided to bombard me with texts, emails, msgs, whatsap etc... Trying to explain to me there was a misinterpretation and if I'd call him and give him the chance he'd explain. His main point in his msgs however was his complaint about WHY I BLOCKED him! I answered to 'please not contact me anymore and there was no misinterpretation on my end' left it at that and didn't explain anything. He has since tried to send FB msgs and emails but I don't even open them, YAY me! I am hoping that he'll just remove me from FB and he'll feel like he was the breaker-upper and feel like a hero and not cause me any problems. Do you think he'll return with a spiteful hoover?
I'm continuing with therapy sessions and really trying to learn to love and value myself. Something obviously was missing in order to have let myself put up with such devaluation. If there are any books anyone can recommend on this subject, Id really appreciate it. I'm sad that this happened to me at a time in my life when it shouldn't have. I'm sad that I felt feelings for this person, and it hurts me to realize that it was all fake on their end. I think I'm also very lucky, I could be in his W's shoes, GOD only knows what hell she has to go through. We all know. I didn't know people like this existed, and it's sad that there is no help for them, that's the way they are. This forum has been very helpful, thank you, all of your stories have been empowering. I hope I'll be strong enough to follow through. Any advice you can offer me is like gold!