Bella05's Story

7 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Nov 11 - 5AM
Bella05
Bella05's picture

Bella05's Story

Best Friend to OW to discarded

I am only 4 days out after after being discarded so I am having a really hard time. I hope by sharing my story I can start to feel better with input from everyone. I have been seeing a therapist who is certain the person I have been involved with is a narcissist. However, I keep wanting to blame myself for not doing or saying the right thing that made him leave me.

The N and I have been close friends for 18 years. We attended professional school together and I have been with him through his divorce, his attempted suicide, his numerous girlfriends, his second marriage, and birth of his children. He is currently married with two young children and a third due any day. I am married with a young son. We share the same career, and I have always had to support and encourage him almost daily before work.

The trigger for our emotional affair began after I shared with him the attention I was receiving from another man. After this, his pursuit began. He started telling me I was beautiful, texting me, calling me, and messaging me all the time on FB. One day on the phone he said that he woke up one morning, and his whole body ached to me with me. He wondered if I felt the same? In truth, I had been in love with him for many years but knew he was not a good man.

Completely wrapped up in his compliments, I told him how I felt and he ramped up his pursuit even more. He would message me songs to listen to that would tell me how he really felt. He told me I could never get mad at him...no matter what he did. He said there were a lot of things I wouldn't like about him and that he was not good enough for me. He said he had so many demons he had been fighting in his life that I didn't even want to know about.
He told me we were like Romeo and Juliet...in love but with families so we had to silently long for each other. He said we were soulmates and emphasized this by telling me to listen to 1000 Years by Sting.

Then he wanted to start the sex talk which I had never done. The first time we did it he took charge and told me what he wanted me to say to turn him on. He said he had never done this before, but he seemed to know exactly what to say. I felt like a whore in a chat room and told him to stop. The next day he told me we couldn't talk anymore because he felt guilty and cut me off. I called him the next day and apologized. We were back on again.

The early days are now a blur but filled with sneaking messages and lots of talking. I was on Cloud 9. Then he suggested we Face Time so we could see each other. Again, this was something I had never done but he was familiar with. We did it a few times just to talk, but he soon started to want to show me all parts of his body which he did. He would ask me if I thought he looked good since his wife never noticed.

He also told me throughout this relationship that his wife hated sex and he thought she was depressed. He said they had nothing in common and she was never nice to him. Of course I felt sorry for him and tried to mold myself into what I thought his perfect mate would be. Meanwhile, I began to question my own marriage which had been solid up until this point.

Then I attended classes in the city he lives on two different occasions. The first time, we sat in class touching arms, hands as much as possible. I left and cried all the way home thinking how much I loved him. He messaged me and said how much he missed me and that he thought he was in love with me. The second trip, we hugged quite a bit and he held my hand. We did have a moment where he could have kissed me, but he quickly backed off and said he couldn't. He said he had to say what he felt even if it hurt my feelings. I felt rejected.

At this point, we were 2 months into this relationship. Then we had a fight. I was tired of sceduling a time to talk to him and then he would back out or change the time. He cut me off for 3 days. I called, texted, messaged and nothing. His excuse was that his dad was in the hospital.

He began pulling away from me. No more messaging during the day at all. No more Face Time visits. He always wanted to know my schedule but never shared his. We would message at night at a certain time and he started not showing up for that. There would be one day that he was absolutely demanding of my attention because he needed me and then cut me off for 2 days. I was living in a cycle of joy for one day to crying for 2 days wondering what I had done. The last two weeks, any messaging became only sex talk, becoming more graphic each time.

The final event occured last weekend so at this point we are now 4 month into this. My husband and I went away for a romantic weekend so I told him I wouldn't be able to talk to him until Sunday night. He seemed unfazed. I messaged him Sunday night and no response. So, back to crying all day Monday. He finally messaged me Monday night and, with the support of my best friend, I told him I needed to talk to him over the phone...I was unhappy.

He called me the next morning and I told him this cycle of talking/cutting me off was hurting me. He said he never knew how he felt day to day. He also said he hated it that he could no longer tell me everything like in the past (i.e. hot women he was attrated to and stuff about his wife.) So he says, "I know you don't want to hear this, but my wife just knew to reach out and touch me and cuddle on Saturday. She also wrote the nicest things about me on FB. She was wonderful all weekend and we did a hospital visit for when the baby is born. It has just made everything so real." He said he thought I was going away for a girl's weekend and was unhappy when he realized it was with my husband. But, he reconsidered and decided he was happy for me.

I then told him I had feelings for him and was having a hard time. I told him I needed to take a step back. He said we only saw the good in each other, not the bad. He said we didn't spend 24 hours a day together or have babies to raise. My plan was to set some boundaries but then he abruptly had to go. He said he would call me later to finish the conversation. That was 4 days ago.

I am devastated and had to see my therapist twice this week. He has been one of my best friends for 18 years and I feel so disrespected and broken. I keep checking FB for a message or a poke and nothing! I worry our friendship is over and cannot believe he has not contacted me. But, in the past, I always approached him first, but not this time.

My therapist thinks he didn't want to hear me talk about my pain or he bailed so I couldn't reject him. I am trying to stay busy and have read most of Surviving a Narcissist. During this affair, I have neglected all aspects of my life including family, friends, and work.
I have good moments but lots of crying/depressed moments. I am not eating or sleeping well and feel anxious and agitated that I can't talk to him.

I know time heals all wounds but feel shell shocked. How could my friend of 18 years do this to me? He seems to fit a lot of the criteria of a narcissist but I really wonder if it was just me. He is also now posting lots of happy family photos on FB which feels like pouring salt into my wound. I really need some advice/help!

Nov 11 - 7AM
Used
Used's picture

Bella05

Nov 11 - 7AM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Romeo and Juliet...

Nov 11 - 6AM
Not-this-time
Not-this-time's picture

'feeling your pain

Nov 11 - 6AM (Reply to #2)
Bella05
Bella05's picture

Thank you

Nov 11 - 9PM (Reply to #4)
thenewjane
thenewjane's picture

"I was friends with him for...."

Nov 11 - 6AM (Reply to #3)
Not-this-time
Not-this-time's picture

I thought he was my friend