Polly75's Story

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#1 Nov 9 - 9PM
Polly75
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Polly75's Story

Pollys Devalue & Discard

Just found this website & have found it both interesting & helpful. I can't believe how many stories start the same at work. I've been struggling the last 3 months after being dumped by my N to work out how someone you think you know so well can you treat you so badly.

I had been friends & working with my N ex for 7 years before we were a couple. Then the last 3 years as a couple, so 10 in all. I was single looking after my sick father, he was married with 3 children. The company we worked for was sold, then things started to get stressful. He was my boss in my department & I was 2IC, so we had to work closely together for a long while discussing whether we had a future with this company or could we see the writing on the wall.

About 6-7 months after the sale, things started to change between us. Well from his side anyway. I was the only female working in a building full of men, we had lunches, morning teas, meetings, we all got along fine. There was usually me, N & one other guy that'd go out for lunches quiet regularly. This one particular week, I had to skip lunch to go do some errands a few days in a row, as I was in the middle of building a house. I'd missed 2 lunches then day 3 my N stopped talking to me, only good morning etc. I asked what was wrong, he said nothing but the silence continued. That afternoon I asked for a meeting so we went into a spare office I asked him what's going on, had said or done something to offend him.

What came next was a total shock. He started by telling me he'd been having these feelings for me over the last few months & thought as I hadn't had lunch he'd frightened me off. I just sat there silently. A few months previous to this he'd been offered a transfer to an office in another state. When that came up he was keen but eventually turned it down. He said he wanted to take it to get the distance & forget about me but in the end couldn't leave me behind. He said things weren't right with his wife. I'd suggested marriage counselling.

I went home for the weekend not saying anything else. On Friday night he rang my mobile late, to make sure he hadn't ruined our friendship, as I didn't say much. I told him I don't know what to say, I'd never been in this situation before.
We left it at being friends. Went back to work on Monday & tried to be normal, I felt very awkward. He went to therapy by himself & antidepressants. Didn't go to marriage counselling but therapy helped him realise he wanted a divorce.
So he did that we, we eventually just got closer being in such a close proximity.
I should have seen the red flags when he told his wife that he wanted a divorce, she asked was there someone else & he said my name even though nothing had happened between us. Plus the fact that he told me he loved me before he'd actually left his wife. I didn't respond.

His divorce came through, I helped him move to a unit, look after his kids, taught him to cook, housework etc. we still lived separately. We went on holidays, I was close to his kids. He was caring, called, texted me all day long. we'd always text good morning & good night, go to the sunday markets. Generally just had fun, and our friendship grew closer. But after about 6 months I saw his first N rage. He yelled at the kids for about 20 mins for making a mess. I was scared & cried then he raised his voice at me saying what are crying for I didn't hit you. I'd never seen that side of him yet.

Things started to change after this, rages were once or twice a month. Well when I was there may have been more often as I didn't live with him. He used every ex use I'm tired, you should know better than to make me mad. Frustration was another excuse. I think he had a touch of OCD as well, if you put things in the wrong spot watch out. But meanwhile he was lazy & the unit was a mess. I overlooked a lot but more red flags to come. When he started to compare with me his ex wife. Say I would guilt trip him, manipulate him, etc, this is where I started to watch what I'd say, doubt my own opinions.

I used to just brush it off as hurt from his divorce. But he'd go into states of depression that could last days, he'd sit in his house in the daylight with curtains drawn playing Xbox games. He'd still go to work in between. I would always say why do you have to be glass half empty, he'd say why do you half to be glass half full. We'd joke about our differences. It was exhausting always trying to bring him back up. But I perserved as I loved him & we'd been such good friends for so long.

His next goal was to save for a deposit to buy his own home as he'd lost everything in the divorce. I encouraged him to save (an impulse buyer of toys), went to open houses, helped with paperwork. He eventually put an offer in & got his house. The night he got the keys, he surprised me by turning up at my house to stay, saying I was the best girlfriend he could have ever asked for. I helped him move, cleaned his new house & his mothers house that he'd been house sitting. Within a matter of 6 weeks he started the come distant. I usually spent weekends with him & the kids, then he'd text he was working this weekend. The last 3 weeks I'd seen him about 4 times. He started not answering my calls or texts, making every excuse as to shy he didnt. Snapping at me for no reason.

Then the day he broke up with me he came to my house, started with bad news, it's not you it's me. Our childhoods were too different, I think of you as my sister now, I don't want to cheat on you but I've already been looking, aren't you sorry you didn't get pregnant & trap me, don't worry my mum will hook you up with someone. You can get a 50 yo like my ex, that can't get it up like me.??? I'm 37 btw. I don't know why he had to say such hurtful things, all the time saying he didn't want to hurt me. Also saying can we trust ourselves to be friends, can we keep our hands off each other?? I cried, then he cried & said I told myself I wasn't going to cry. But I felt it fake. I asked him all the normal is their someone else, he said no. As he was leaving he said I've got your stuff in the car. He then marched my clothes & toiletries from his house & put them on my couch. ??

I've seen him twice since then. He had been seen at a house around the corner from some friends of mine. I asked him again was there someone else. He told me no she's just a friend from work, female friend. Then a few weeks later I'd heard from one of his workmates, he'd been on with this woman for a few months before we broke. He brought her out a few weeks after that to met his parents ?? She speaks Spanish, he wants to learn Spanish. I'd actually babysat his kids while he was on a date with her. That was devastating, that i trusted him & he betrayed me so badly. He always said he'd never marry again. Have anymore kids, live with anyone. This OW is 4 years older than him has 2 kids 10 & 13, so now he's taking in extra responsibility of 4 kids. He's lucky to look after or financially support the 2 he has. She's similar in looks to me but Spanish, she works with him, like I did too. So there is a pattern.

I pass him on my way to work, while he drops his kids off in the morning. He never waves no acknowledgment I ever existed. After we'd been split for nearly 2 months I found out I was 3 months pregnant. I couldn't tell him, his mother said I should, but he wouldn't answer my phone calls, reply to a text, email etc. so his mother called him & told him I needed to talk. He refused to come out, then said he'd go to my house the next day. About 4 in the afternoon my house phone rang. I answered he said mum said you had something to tell me, i cant make it I'm too busy. which was funny as i could see that he'd been logged onto xbox live & was still logged on playing a game for the last 4 hours. I told him, he replied with what do you want from me. I said nothing. Then he said what if it comes, I said I'd have a baby. As he hung up he said ill have to go absorb that, I'll check on you through mum.

I'm just over 4 months now & he's not asked his mum once how I'm going. I've been told that I'm in danger carrying a baby as my kidneys aren't real strong.

So from all of this I've worked out I was used by him to get a house, he never really loved me, he's not capable. Our whole relationship was fake or one sided anyway, he lied the whole way through, he cheated & he devalued & discarded me like I never existed. I'm currently going through counselling to make sense of all this. The counsellor has said I've had a very lucky escape as he asked to borrow money off me for his deposit & previously we'd looked I'd jointly buying a house. All the risk would have been mine as I own my house, so my half would have been cash, his would have been mortgaged. But he kept saying he'd have a legal document drawn up so I couldn't rip him off like his ex did. As all women are out for what they can get.

Each day I'm away from him I start to feel better but still realise what damage he's done. Im not missing the rages, the yelling, punching, breaking things, throwing. I've always been independent & still am very much capable of looking after myself especially financially. I've nursed both my parents through cancer until they died, worked hard paid my house off. I feel very used & just thrown away as if I never existed. I spent so much time giving but not receiving much back. he just wasn't capable. The hardest part I found was losing his friendship & the betrayal of lying.

Nov 19 - 5AM
agnesmurphy17
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Dr. J & Mr. H

Nov 19 - 7AM (Reply to #4)
agnesmurphy17
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P.S.

Nov 19 - 10AM (Reply to #5)
Polly75
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Partly right

Nov 19 - 10AM (Reply to #6)
agnesmurphy17
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doormat

Nov 19 - 11AM (Reply to #7)
Polly75
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The rest

Nov 20 - 8AM (Reply to #8)
agnesmurphy17
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Dump His Mother

Nov 11 - 6AM
Sickofhim
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Welcome to the forum. Sorry

Nov 10 - 3AM
Hunter
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Welcome to Narcville.. Your