misshymers's story

I wish I had of been braver to stop it years ago!

I'm from New Zealand!

I just want to thank Goldie for helping me get my login sorted. It means more than you will ever know.

I was with mine for 9 years, we met at a conference.
I didn't want a relationship when I first met him as I was only two months out of my previous manipulative relationship and wanted to focus on my studies and eventually become a Judge.

He was wonderful. I didn't know anything about him or his life; he was someone who I had no mutual friends with but I always saw him laughing and smiling, those beautiful dimples and sweet eyes had all the women around him trying to get his attention; except for me. I wanted to focus on my healing still.

The Ex-N was so beautiful to look at, I often would get that clucky feeling when looking at him, unfortunately, I still do to this day.

He cried when I told him I didn't want to see him after days of receiving txts, emails and phone calls; I felt bad, he looked so cute, innocent and sad. I told him that I would give it a go then.

I think it was in the second or third month he started to do little things to put me in my place, I didn't mind as I saw it like he was going to teach me how to be more disciplined since my previous relationship was so manipulative and chaotic, I had lost my sense of calm. I had never had a man exert any dominance over me in such an upfront way, I had never been with someone so honest before (It was all false), I liked that someone was finally being a man in my life.

He would borrow my car and use anything I had; He didn’t show respect for my things, grabbed all my data cds and copied lots of my stuff to his laptop. I let him because I felt that sharing is a good way to begin a relationship, I wanted this relationship to be open and honest with no secrets. He would share his life struggles with me, how his mother would leave him (when he was little) and his father at their house in the country alone 4hours away from the nearest city where she worked and partied, and how all of his ex's had cheated on him or abandoned him in some way.

He never said a bad word about his most recent ex though; it was always positive, too positive, at the time I just wrote it off that he was a caring man who doesn't put people down... I liked that he didn’t feel the need to talk about her or put her down. It was refreshing to me..

I had no idea what I was coming for me...

I started to realise the girl in all the photos on his wall was his ex, I had assumed she was a close family member. 7months they stayed on his wall, even with all my protesting.

He was taking calls from her, and I would over hearing him saying “it’s ok, it’s for the best.” and he would finish the call saying in monotone “love you too.” He told me it was just to help her because she was struggling to move on and he cared about her enough to not be an asshole. Later he would tell me he was hanging out with mates, and now I know it was his ex he was with.
I fell pregnant after being his 'friend' for 7months and he pressured me into having an abortion telling me I would ruin his chances of doing things with his life and he didn’t need that sort of pressure on him. On the eve night of the abortion he told me that if his ex wants him back he will go back to her, and forced me into a threesome with another woman I didn't want. I was so scared he would leave me if I didn't do what he wanted and felt vulnerable and crushed. I did what he wanted but cut it short and stayed outside crying about how horrible the situation was.

More and more I was being cut off from everyone but I didn't mind because I had my ex-N.

He didn't like it when I went out drunk and would push me around, then he didn't like certain friends, I was always paying for things, even when he was working and I was on a student allowance. I stopped going out, stopped hanging out with the friends he didn’t approve of, because if I didn’t comply it would put space between us and he would give me the silent treatment, although according to him, he just had nothing to say or I was being too sensitive, needy and pushy.

In my mind I knew all of this was so wrong.. I knew it deep down. I am highly social and make friends with ease. And then suddenly I wasn’t bothering. Suddenly he was all that mattered; I even shamefully put him ahead of my babies.

I met all his family, he didn't want to know mine.
Skipping forwards to now...

He started putting me down lots recently, telling me little things about myself that annoyed him, things that one of his family members said about me in passing, things that made him never want to marry me or have a baby. I finally had enough feeling like a loser when I knew I wasn’t, everyone around me complemented me often for my strength, my looks, my socialable personality, my humour and attitude, why would they say that if I was all the things the ex-N said I was? I had enough of talking to myself, watching him shut off and roll his eyes back before he would just close them as if asleep, I finally told him to pack his things and leave.

He cried, he left, but he gave me a look like I was being really mean and unfair. Like I didn’t understand that doing a post-graduate year means he is swamped with work. Forgetting that I work, study, come home be a mum, cook and clean and still had time for him, to txt him, to sexually be there for him whenever he wanted me, even though he would with hold from me because he was too tired.

I missed him, I missed what I thought was a good man. Not the cold manipulate liar that he is. I miss that image I built in my mind, the image I was made to build.
He kept coming around and would tell me how happy he is, how he has a flat with three women, I felt jealous, I felt insecure all over again and thought of all the times he was with his friends (aka his ex) having fun without inviting me along.

Anyway, over the past two months he has been coming back to me telling me he wants to be with me, he wants to have a baby (as we never ended up having kids together - his decision) then the next day he does something to me, or tells me he needs to go back to his flat for the night and so I would tell him to bugger off and not come back because I can’t take this yoyo crap. Or he would tell me he’s changed his mind because he keeps hurting me and he doesn’t want to do it anymore.

Being an intelligent woman my intuition asks me why I fall for his lies. Why is it that it doesn’t sink in to my brain that he’s lying to me? If he really felt that he didn’t want to hurt me anymore he would leave me alone.

But he doesn’t.

As soon as my mind starts to think clearer, once the fog has begun to disappear he shows up in my life, chance meetings, at my house, txt, family or friends mention him and I fall back into square one wondering if he’s having more fun without me. Thankfully I believe that he will do this again, and I can see now that he did this to his ex.

It doesn’t make it any easier to deal with though.

Especially since he played aloof then honest and then aloof again and then lied but lead me to believe there is an OW who he had a pic of on his phone and called him baby in a skype message, he had deleted all the txts between himself and her so I wouldn’t get the wrong impression. I know that was a mind game, I still feel bad and really insecure regardless of being able to identify it for what it was.

I felt so betrayed, but I didn't want him to leave. I asked him if he thought we could work it out (this was after two whole days of getting an emotional beating from him telling me all the cool things he's been doing, but he didn't go to a birthday party he was invited to! He loved me and wanted to be with me, he just doesn’t want to move to the city I want to go to even though he has the flexibility to do so, he wants a baby with me now and misses me... uggghhh makes me so mad!)

I have been fully brainwashed! And I feel so stupid, so dumb and guilty.

When I read posts on here it's like I get clarity. It’s like the apples were never red, they were green and my senses were distorted because I had the flu. Like I thought the salt was sugar, but my taste buds were broken.

I feel so messed up, I have gone NC for two and a half days now after telling him from my heart that I don’t want him in my life, how he is a liar and I am stronger than him because at least I have the courage to be open, honest, loving and forgiving.

I tried to take my life a couple of months ago and again recently when he tornadoed my life. If you knew me personally you wouldn’t ever believe I would want to take my life, no one would except the ex-N, my daughter, my counsellor and doctor.

The sadness I felt at him moving on so fast, being so happy so fast and telling me positive stuff about myself but not wanting to work things out with me made me feel so lost I just didn't think about my babies or my family, I was so exhausted I just wanted to sleep forever. I had tipped over the edge. My 15 year old daughter and this website saved my life, I couldn't make sense of what has been happening before I found this site and opened up to my daughter.

I am fine now, no suicidal thoughts; I know having him around triggers my anxiety and self hate. I feel so mad that I'm on these meds! The ex-N txts me and asks me if I'm ok because he's worried about me. I don't dare txt back.

I feel like I'm having what I can only guess is withdraws. I think about him every so many hours, it doesn't help that when I am feeling the emotions I am feeling that he txts me and tell me how he's feeling and it's exactly the same. Night is the worst time.

I am leaving this city in the next few weeks. I will change my email addresses and my phone number that I have had for 12 years, I unfriended him from fb too.

It can’t come soon enough, I feel stuck in the mud and am so happy I have you all to share with, to read with and to be there, I have felt so alone and look forwards to the day when I look back at this mess and feel happy for the strength I have added to my character and how useless he really was.