Alissa's story...

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#1 Oct 22 - 4AM
Alissa
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Alissa's story...

Hi everyone,

As you can see, I've been on this board for about a year now, and I decided it's time to post my story.
One of the members asked me about it, and I felt encouraged by her because she posted her story and her story is a similar one, and after sharing it with her, I decided to write it on the site too.
I waited with it because N is my neighbor and because I can't go No Contact in the way of blocking him, unless I buy an electronic fence and start to home school my children and keep myself and them inside the house all the time :(. But I'm doing my very best to stay LC.

Here's my story:

In 2007, I met N when my oldest son started going to school. We are neighbors but never talked to each other in the neighborhood (before 2007, his kids and my kids were still too small to play outside). His son had already started school shortly before my son, and we started to chat when we would see each other. But not all the time.
Summer 2007 came and went by, and after this Summer we continued the 'every now and then ' chats. I felt attracted to him in a weird way, but I didn't want that, so I fought against it (H and I don't have a good marriage, never had, and are more like brother and sister, but I never wanted to fall in love with someone else! I never wanted an affair) and was able to keep my mind on the right track. N didn't initiate much either, except for the occasional 'hi beautiful' and 'you're looking gorgeous like always'.

In 2008, Spring, we started to chat on a more regular basis, in the neighborhood too, not just at school. HE would seek me out more and more... saying things like 'my wife is so busy, she's at work when I come home, I need someone to talk to when I come home from work... Things aren't going well at my job ' (pity play) etc. Btw, N is much older than me, 16 years older.
Our sons had become best friends, and our daughters (very young at the time) liked to play together too (have become best friends too now that they are older)

He started to flirt heavily.. stared at me, said things like "I have been thinking about you a LOT" and "one day you and I will have sex".
I would say: "NO WAY! I will never do that!" But he continued to pursue me, acted like a FRIEND all the time, and then, invited me for tea one day, and then, not much later, the affair began.

At first he was very nice to me...saying "I love you" right from the start (red flag!), texting me all the time, calling me all the time (I was not under his spell yet and I let the phone ring sometimes without picking it up ~he literally called at least 40 times within 5 minutes if I wouldn't pick up the phone~ , it was quite annoying. He was very anxious in the beginning UNTIL he had me under his control) . He said 'I miss you' all the time... Said: "if you will tell your H that you'll leave, I'll tell my wife the same" ( I never believed that though, and indeed , a few minutes later he denied that he said that)

First it was just some kissing, but pretty quickly he wanted more and even though I said "we really can't do that, it's wrong" , we ended up having sex...
He got mad at me when I said 'we really can't do that' and he said: "of course we can! How can you say that!?! We've been kissing and everything, and now you're saying we can't have sex?! NOW you're pulling back?!? " He acted very insulted and that's when I gave in. I have never been able to deal with his 'not being pleased' with me.

I immediately noticed though that he acted different after sex. He would never hold me in his arms, he always jumped up and said: "I'm going to smoke a cig now and drink some coffee". He couldn't wait for me to go home after sex. This became worse and worse.

But still, he seemed to be in love with me most of the time...

A few months after the beginning of 'us' , I got D&D'd for the first time. First he didn't say anything but then he said he feels guilty. I was devastated! I didn't understand! How could he do this to me? After telling me that he loves me? And now so cold?!? How can a person go from loving to cold in an instant? It took me by surprise and it was not a pleasant surprise. I cried for three days straight, he disappeared during that time, but then, after three days, he texted me "I made a mistake" and he wanted me back.

And I went back to him. It must have been the stress of having an affair for him, I thought. But once I returned, it seemed like he was no longer the person who he was before the first D&D. I got less texts, less phone calls etc etc... he acted cold and distant most of the time unless he wanted sex. That's when he would ~for a short time~ be the loving N again. The one he was in the beginning.

I started to question him and his behavior though. N would reply with things like: "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore." and "It's just lust" and "I love my W very much, I love her most of all". I would stop having sex with him (tried to) but he always knew how to win me back by telling me much nicer things.
He would also put BLAME on me by saying that he only walked away from me because of ME, because of all my stupid questions! Yes, he tried to model me into the perfect narc supply but I had no idea what was going on. I believed his lies, took the blame, tried to ask less questions, tried to change myself into a GOOD person... tried to have no expectations of him, but I never really managed. I always ended up asking questions.

N became depressed for a short period of time(I still don't know why), but he said he still wants the affair & still loves me, even though he and his Narc Wife went to see a therapist for his 'depression' (?), and even though he came to see me/ contacted me less and less.

He became very rude. I would get a text that would say 'come xxx' and I would go to his house and he would be standing naked in the shower, masturbated on my back and said 3 minutes later, 'I have to go grocery shopping now' and I was dismissed again. Or he'd come to my house in the 5 minutes that he could spare , to grope me , masturbate and leave again. His sex 'requests' became weirder and weirder... want me to pee on him (I never did), wanted to pee on me (never let him), wanted anal sex ( I said no, but he'd still try to without warning), fantasized all the time about ejaculating in my face

And that's when I started to feel like I was just an object to him. However, if I would say this to him, he would get mad and he'd yell: "You're not an object to me! I love you! How dare you say that!" And I became afraid to ever mention it to him again. I became afraid to ask any questions, because whenever i did, he would fly into a rage. (walking on egg shells)

He often said : "You're my little slut... you're my whore... Yes, I know baby, you love it when I say that. It turns you on! You're a nymphomaniac. You're my Porn Alissa, that's how I think of you." I got upset all the time, denied that I liked being called like that, told him it hurts me, and he always laughed and said: "Come on! I was just JOKING! Don't be so serious! Can't a man make a joke?? Do I have to walk on EGG SHELLS around you??? " (I once mentioned to him that he made ME walk on egg shells and now he used that against me) .
I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt... After all, didn't he also tell me he loves me , he can never live without me?
Yes, I always decided to forgive him for his 'jokes' and his d&d's.

His hoovers (never heard of that word at the time) were soooo convincing. "I love you... I love you so much... I can't stop thinking about you. I don't want to lose you. I've made a mistake.. please baby, please give me another chance. I promise, I PROMISE I will never do it again. You and I are like magnets... you have to understand that pull baby. With you I've had the BEST sex ever. I want that back, I want you back. If I would be single, I would be with you now.... I love IT, I love you "

He kept d&d-ing me, I've lost count of how often he did this, always disappearing and giving me the silent treatment, refusing to answer any questions that I had because of the way he behaved, ignoring me completely unless I sort of 'cornered' him inside his own house and kept asking & asking & asking :
"N, please tell me why you act like this! Please TALK to me! Is it something that I've done wrong? What did I do to make you act cold like this all of a sudden?!? Did I hurt your feelings with something I said? Something I did?!?"
and that's when I got to hear again: "I feel guilty towards my W!!! I don't want this anymore! I have no need for you anymore! I have NO need to see you anymore! I'm done with it, I'm done with YOU!!!" or/ and: "You and your stupid questions! You ask too many questions!! You expect too much from me!!!! It's because of your questions that I go silent on you!!!!"

Only to come back again several weeks later... Thinking he could barge back into my life without giving me an explanation whatsoever, saying "I'll never feel guilty again" ... and also saying "I acted the way I did because of all your questions, I couldn't take it anymore.... it was not really 'guilt' that I felt".... hoovering... me giving in after a while (also because he would rage when I kept saying 'no' to sex.. and punished me for it by giving me Silent Treatment again. I feared Silent Treatment more than anything else. I'd rather have him yell at me than giving me Silent Treatment, because then, at least, I still seemed to 'exist'. It felt like he killed me with his ST. And sometimes it was just 'easier' to give in to sex and let HIM d&d me again, sometimes it felt better than saying no and getting all the blame. I don't even know blame for what, but that's how it felt) ... another d&d, hoovering again... etc etc.

I always believed his lies of 'I love you' and "I'll never feel guilty again, I WANT this. I want it. I want you." Pathetic yes, I know :(. He is an excellent actor.
I believed his lies, I believed that he ONLY acted the way he did because of the questions I asked. I told myself : 'OK Alissa, be GOOD now! Stop asking questions!' and I would give it another try to be perfect for him.

Off/ on / off/ on/ off / on, I never knew where I stood with him. Always getting the silent treatment... Getting more afraid to ask questions ( even though my heart almost exploded because I questioned his behavior and his 'love' for me greatly...!!) because he would go into a rage.
Afraid to say no for longer periods of time, afraid to set boundaries (even though I tried so hard) because he would punish me for that too... I would still do my best to say no, even though I always failed and gave in again because he seemed so real, was so convincing in his 'love' for me

But he stayed the same. After sex, he dismissed me and couldn't wait for me to be 'gone' again. And after sex I wouldn't hear from him for many days. Until he was in a horny mood again, or in the mood for ME again, or whatever... The difference between 'nice N' and 'cold and mean and evil N' was as huge as if I was looking at two different men.

His behavior was crazy making. I started to write down all the encounters I had with him, literally ALL conversations... they became more detailed and more detailed... just so I could read it back and see that he lied and that it was NOT about 'all those questions' that he d&d'd me. I was spinning like crazy. My diary was my last string to reality.

One time, I was giving him a bj in the bathroom, next to the toilet (how humiliating), when the phone rang.
He jumped over me to pick it up, while I was still sitting on the floor with his sperm in my mouth! Crazy! And he had the nerve to say afterwards: "I felt like crying after you left. My poor wife, how can I do this to HER??" While I thought: "Helllooooo??? What about ME???? Do you think it's fun to be dismissed the way you dismiss me?!? Do you ever think of how I feel?? Why don't you take MY feelings into consideration when I tell you 'no, we cannot have sex'?"
Never told him that of course (too scared) but he d&d'd me anyway so ...

Also, sometimes he would disappear and if I dared question him about it, he'd lie another one of his favorite lies: "I was busy!!!! You have too many expectations from me!!!!!"

I've cried so many tears over him. I think I truly love (ugh, sick I know) / loved him. I gave him my everything, I was always there for him, always forgiving, always trusting him again...
Surprising him with birthday gifts ( he never gave me a birthday gift) and him barely acknowledging the gifts.

But I knew something was 'off'. 'This can't be normal behavior', I told myself, 'not all men are like this?!' .. I started reading about affairs.... , lots of books and info about affairs... and then about manipulation, silent treatment.. and that's how I stumbled upon Lisa's site. Yes, about a year ago. And it was totally eye opening to me. A great gift.

I started to 'see through' his manipulative tactics... I realized that the 'nice' N was nothing but a mask, and I think I still don't realize as fully as I should. I find it very hard to comprehend . The real N is the one who is without the mask... the unkind, unfriendly, manipulative man with cold, evil uncaring eyes who doesn't care about my feelings at all.

I've tried to end it many times myself too, always tried NOT to go back to him after he hoovered again after a d&d. Telling him "I can't deal with it, I can't deal with having an affair" .... Trying to take the blame myself , just so he wouldn't have anything to manipulate me with. Because, whenever I'd say, "Listen , you always feel guilty after sex, we cannot do this, you act strange after sex" , he would start raging again , cutting me off, acting like a crazy man, lying that he won't feel guilty again, yelling at me to stop saying that 'crap' etc etc.
Well it was both of course: *I* couldn't deal with having an affair (never could, even if he wouldn't have been a N) and I couldn't deal with his 'guilt' and his behavior either.

Often I would even say 'no, we can't have sex' and he would still TAKE it.
Grabbing me , groping me.... Masturbating in front of me, while I clearly told him 'no'.
I remember when I was pregnant with my youngest (H's child, no doubt!) and N would want sex, I said no, yet he dragged me to the carpet and I couldn't get away because of the baby inside of me, I didn't want to hurt her, couldn't get away without falling on my belly... and then I ended up giving him a bj. Totally against what I wanted, but I couldn't do anything else because of the baby inside of me.

Groping me, touching me whenever he wanted.. He never listened to my 'no'. Especially in Summertime, wearing less clothes, it was even easier for him to simply touch me wherever and whenever he wanted to. He is an expert too in making me feel bad for saying no. Like I said, very manipulative.

And I did not want it. But I still loved him too. Very weird. We had some good moments, but they never lasted long.

Oh and he also started to accuse me of being with other men, which is totally not true!!

Even if he would not be an N , I wouldn't be able to handle an affair. I love too fully, too completely... I never wanted to share a man, it hurts to see him with his wife, to think about him & her and their supposedly 'wonderful marriage' (like he said) , it hurt to babysit his children while he and W went on a city trip (I also watch his kids while they're both at work and I don't really mind, because our kids are best friends , but on a date... ? a city trip??? very insensitive) ... and I tried to tell him how that made me feel, but of course, again, he went into another rage and gave me ST and punishment again. He said: "how dare you comment on my day with W?!? How dare you!" while I just tried to tell him how I can't handle having an affair and that it's best to end it, I tried to explain him numerous times how this all makes ME feel... but I don't think he ever understood.

Anyway, I found this website, started reading here, bought the books.... About a year ago.

.. and this is where I am now...:

We're still neighbors. I still have to see him sometimes even though I try to avoid him as much as possible.
I still have to watch his children (although that will stop now that they're getting bigger) ,
he's still trying to hoover & punish & hoover & punish, but I am determined to never have sex with him again.
I can't take it anymore. I still care about him , I think I still love him (that's how it feels for me and it's probably another lie too) , but the 'nice N', the hoovering N , is not the real one.
The real one is very mean, and very evil, and could care less about how *I* feel. He wants what he wants whenever HE wants it. I miss the nice N. I know, it's a mask that I miss.

The affair was all on his terms. I NEVER wanted to have an affair, even though I'm not in a good marriage.

Telling his W? I would never dare to. NEVER. She is a narc too and she would make my life , and even worse: MY KIDS' LIVES, a living hell. We live in a very small town.
We don't have the finances to relocate, so for now I'm pretty much stuck in this situation. H knows I had an A ( I told him) but I never told him with whom. H is gone all day and he's only at home in the evenings. Like I said, I don't want narc wife to find out, she's creepy and I think she'd kill me. H thinks she's into witchcraft, I'm really scared of her.
N's kids and my kids are still best friends, they play together all the time.

OK I probably forgot a lot (even though the story is already very long!) .

I want to add that this site is what keeps me from drowning and from giving in again. This site has opened my eyes, and continues to do so. My very good friend, who knows about it all and who has been with an N too, is of great help too and she always helps me to see things clear again when they start to get blurry again.

Thanks for reading.

xx Alissa

Oct 22 - 12PM
Sickofhim
Sickofhim's picture

Please do yourself a favor &

Oct 22 - 9PM (Reply to #6)
Alissa
Alissa's picture

Hi Sickofhim, thanks for your

Oct 22 - 10AM
thenewjane
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My heart

Oct 22 - 11AM (Reply to #2)
Alissa
Alissa's picture

Thanks so much for your post,

Oct 22 - 1PM (Reply to #3)
Redrho70
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Ooh Alissa

Oct 22 - 9PM (Reply to #4)
Alissa
Alissa's picture

Dear Red, Thank you so much