8 Months later and still crying?

8 Months later and still crying?
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Ok, so it has been 8 months now since the D&D. I am better, I do NOT cry everyday, but I still get days when I cry hysterically! I have maintained NC for 4 months now. And I mean it! No FB, No texting, No calling, No driveby's, NOTHING! I am very good with it because I do NOT want to talk to him. I do NOT want to see him plastering pics of him and his NW all over FB. And since he NEVER attempts to contact me, I do not have to worry about hoovering.

So why after reading, reading, reading, meditating, exercising, writing, talking it out with friends, do I still CRY and think of HIM EVERY DAY? EVERY DAY I have to make an effort over a dozen times to CHANGE my thoughts AWAY from HIM. When does this stop? I want him out of my head 8 months ago. I know he is sick person who never loved me, is a Narc, is an actor, was cruel, a liar and a cheater, and WON"T be any better to her,(eventually).
Logic crap I have GOT it! When will my emotions catch up? When will my obsessive thoughts stop? This is the most INSANE thing I have ever experienced!

I am better, I do not cry every day, I can dismiss him from my head "most" of the time, ( although I have to do it dozens of times a day), and then those days when I can't I cry and cry. I NEED relief from him once and for all! WHEN!!!!!
(so tired of thoughts of him and crying)

butterfly1414's picture

It is insane

You said. "This is the most insane thing I have ever experienced". And yes. it is. I can relate. And like me, you seem to be trying to "make sense" of something that just doesn't.

Be easy on yourself. Don't beat yourself up. That is what these narcs do and they don't need our help.

You will grow through this and heal. You will. Just keep watering the good and positive things in your life and they will grow. And in time, will replace the darkness.

Sending you a big hug. And again, I can totally relate. I am simply telling you what I tell myself everyday.

laxl's picture

You are doing great believe it or not!

Hey, if you are not crying everyday, then you have improved a lot! Being D&D'd is so demoralizing - it rips your life apart and makes you wonder your own self worth. But honey, you have LOTS of worth because you made the move to get away from someone who hurt you so badly even as you loved him so deeply. Going NC is not easy - it never is - but the path to success is not paved with winning lottery tickets and unicorns and magic fairies! The path to success in life is always difficult. You are doing the hard things of staying NC and learning about narcs.

Sweetie, my guess is that when you shed tears, it is NOT over him. It is over the loss you feel for someone you thought existed, for a relationship you wanted to exist, and for realizing that the person you loved... well... never really loved you back.

You're not crying over him - you are crying over YOU. And that's ok. As you get even further away from the trauma of getting hurt by a narc, you will do better and better.

8 months is not that long - so just hang in there. If you need to cry now and then, it's ok - just remember you are not crying over HIM. No one needs to mourn the loss of a jerk/narc - but it's ok to be sad that you got misled.

You will be stronger from now on and you will never let anyone lie/cheat/steal from you again. Now THAT is something to smile about. xoxo

neverlookback's picture

not uncommon

to experience these moments of crying hysterically - you are mourning the actual reality of someone that really never existed - so in many ways its like a death - dont compare this to any other relationships in your life that have ended this is far from anything that was normal - you are allowed those extra tears and they are quite justified in this type of recovery from a disordered. Are you tears directed to a wonderful dream that ended and will never come true for you? Mine seemed to be - felt like I lost everything and all hope in everything I ever believed in - I cried bitter bitter tears chanting WHY did he have to be disordered, why couldnt this have been genuine and real - be aware that this is a difficult experience to recover from and it takes well over a year to feel like yourself again = at least it did for me - it will get better the worst is behind you hugs

abandonedandhurt's picture

Not uncommon

I am mourning the loss of the dream he promised. I was very much in love with him, and he discovered exactly what was missing for me, and what I was looking for and pretended to be all of those things. I mourn the loss of my prince and the plans we made for our future together. I also get hateful and angry at him for decieving me and betraying my love and trust. I am disappointed at myself for ignorning the red flags and for hurting others to be with him, banking on his promises. There are many loss issues at once, mixed with hurt, anger, and hatered. All bad for my mental and physical health. I miss what I thought I had, and I hate him for just forgetting me instantly.

neverlookback's picture

we fell

deeply in love with the pretend man they played for us - the act was a personified representation of everything we had always wanted; they basically killed this pretend man we deeply loved when the persona slowly transformed into who they really were - You are mourning a fiction character, illusion of what you thought was a true love story and all the promises that were ever made were as real as this illusion he created for you. The same man that created this invented person for you in reality is nothing but a sociopath /psychopath, very dangerous and extremely disturbed. If you stay focused on this reality of what he REALLY IS it helps greatly in mourning the illusion - I am not saying it will lessen the pain of the betrayal, but it will help you to slowly let go of the deep love you had for this sick person. In time you will not see it as a betrayal but you will see that this is the only way a psychopath functions in all their targets and relationships; they all act, they all wear masks, and what you see is never what you get with them in the end and this is not due to anything you as a person lacked - its what THEY lack and are ill equipped to give to others - you can be angry but it will pass with the understanding that you were with a severely disordered person - this mind set helped me to let go of this sick person hugs

TNR1's picture

Focusing on the wrong goal....

I see this here a lot...I did it...I still do it. We expect ourselves to "get over" someone within a prescribed period of time and when that doesn't happen...we barate ourselves for not achieving it.

A relationship that you were invested in is not somnthing that you can get over "quickly". There are longings that are left unfulfilled, there are questions that remain unanswered, there are final words that did not get said and there are feelings (such as sadness, anger, lonliness) that we must process. We can't pummil them into submission...so we end up on an exhaustive attempt to "fix" ourselves when there is nothing that needs fixing and we talk/think badly of ourselves when we've done nothing wrong.

Accepting that we are human..that we have feelings that must be expressed and lingering hopes/wishes that must have time to be procesessed..that is the only way to move forward. There is no time limit...no gatekeeper...no "if you don't get over him by this date there is something wrong with you". You will have days when you take a step forward and take two steps back...but it is in the acceptance of this dance that you are free. Be curious about yourself and give yourself grace and space to miss what you thought you had...allow yourself to cry from your soul...and yell from your heart....and just be!

This is a process..it isn't a destination.

HUGS

Winter's picture

Yes, TNR

And this advice of yours helped me a lot too. You wrote to me: this is not a race. It calmed me down, when I felt anxious about not achieving the goal. Now, I dont' even try, I don't force myself feeling anything. My Lord, I never felt so light before. It is as if promised to someone to feel happy all the time! Now, I challenge myself on this constantly! I don't owe anyone to feel happy. I finally allow myself to fell the way I feel. And if I feel like re-think the experience again, I do and do not blame myself for it. Surprisingly, the desire to do it lessened tremendiously. I wonder why? :)

Love

Winter

abandonedandhurt's picture

Wrong goal

Ur right. Im still hearbroken but I don't want to be as he erased me and replaced me like our engagement never existed the day after he left me for another woman. I try to convince myself that it will not be any better for her, even though I am sure he is sweeping her off of her feet still, and he will probably work extra hard at the relationship with her so its not so obvious to others that it is HIM who has the problem, but ME as he blamed everything failing on me to his friends and family. ( he also blamed the 3 wives he left before me but no one in his cirlcle seems to catch on to this). I understand 8 months may not be that long to get over the emotional abuse and breakup, but it does seem like a long time to still be crying over someone who never thinks of me at all. I just want to stop hurting and be on the other end of this already and be happy and healthy again. I have to drive through the town on my way to work, and I am tired of feeling anxiety over the possibility of seeing him or worse, the two of them in his truck. I just want all of these bad emotions and obsessive thoughts to stop. This is the worse experience I have ever had, ans I am a 3 x cancer survivor, so thats huge!

TNR1's picture

I understand 8 months may not

I understand 8 months may not be that long to get over the emotional abuse and breakup, but it does seem like a long time to still be crying over someone who never thinks of me at all.

Ahh...yes....the comparison of our timeline to the Narcs timeline. Please remember..he is disordered!! The fact that he replaced you so quickly points to his lack of empathy and also his inability to really connect with anyone in a relationship (which is exactly what this site has stated over and over and over again...to them..we are supply..nothing more). Whenever you start doing this comparison..remind yourself that you are a full, loving, empathetic human being and he isn't. So yes..it will take you longer to get over him...and that points to how much you truly cared and loved him. Let yourself grieve and give yourself grace.

Do not for a moment think that she is getting anything better. She is getting the same disordered individual. These men do not change..they simply change supply.

HUGS!!

jackguy's picture

You may well not be crying over ur ex

I think being devalued and discarded by a narc opens the floodgates of core pains that we carry within ourselves and that made us vulnerable to narcs in the first place. You may be grieving earlier losses and be grieving for the pain of abandoning yourself. Lots of us have a lifetime of self-rejection and self-neglect behind us so you may just now be feeling the pain that was in you before. That was it in my case.

Janie53's picture

Abandonedandhurt

Regardless of his narcissim, you are still mourning a loss. These feelings are very real and cannot just be ignored and pushed under the rug. You are also mourning the person you were in this relationship, you are mourning the love you felt for him and you are mourning the relationship you thought you had. You are mourning because you do have very real and deep feelings; you are mourning because you are able to love and your heart has been broken.

As you said, you are making progress. It does get better, in time. I agree with Winter, don't push these feelings away. Embrace your sadness and it will eventually pass. You will then be able to completely change the focus to you. You will be able to step away and look at the situation for what it was and learn about you and your part in it. I believe this is critical to keep us from repeating the insidious cycle of abuse. You have come so far and have the power to do this!

Keep up the good work- you are well on you way to finding the peace and happiness you deserve!

Stay true to you!
Janie

Winter's picture

Too much pressure on yourself

8 months out is not such a very long time. It may seem long, but it is not. You just passed the initial phase I think. So, you don’t have to worry and to think that if by now you are not “done”, it means it will stay with you forever.

But there is more in your post, which I really want you to challenge on. First of all it is an enormous pressure you put on yourself. It is almost like : “I hate myself for not feeling happy, for having obsessive thoughts”. With all my respect for you, I really think you have choosen the wrong direction. You should accept yourself, your feeling, your emotions, your thoughts entirely. You should love them, respect them. This is the true self love and self esteem. Taking bubble bath or going for a massage is not a real self love, as many people claim, it is superficial.

Also, you say you do everything possible, so where is your “promised reward”? Where is the feeling of contentment, joy? How come the obsessive thoughts are not removed, not erased from your mind? The thing is you seem to be very concerned about the outcome and you don’t enjoy the process.
You also seem to resist too much your obsessive thoughts. The more you resist them the more they persist. Accept them, give yourself some peace, some time, some space. Who told you to make an effort “to change your thoughts away from him”? I personally think it is very unproductive and brings nothing but exhaustion and frustration. It is a lost case to fight with your thoughts, you only strengthen them this way. Aknowledge them, accept them, they are there for a reason. There is nothing wrong with feeling sad, with experiencing negative emotions.

You know, sometimes being proactive can only harm. Take it slowly, be patient, be confident. And please don’t take my post bad, I just wrote to you a part of my inner dialog, because it seemed to me we are much alike at some points.

Love

Winter

abandonedandhurt's picture

Too much pressure

Thank you winter I appreciate you taking the time to talk to me. It makes sense that you say I need to be patient with myself, as the love I gave WAS real and he did break my heart. I just want so badly to be on the other side now, to be over it and not cry or feel sad anymore. I struggle terribly with the fact that he forgot about me instantly, as if I never existed, and is if the relationship never happened, as if we were never engaged and he never promised to love me forever and marry me.
I know it is because of his disorder that he can do this so easily and just move onto the next relationship without a thought. However, that knowledge does not take the pain of it away. I read the article on CD, and I live for the day when the logic I have meshes with the emotions and the CD stops. I do get angry with myself, it is infuriating to me to wake up each day and think of someone who could not care less what is happening to me, and NEVER thinks of me. Erased and replaced. Well now I want HIM ERASED from my head! But it's not happening.

The effort to change my thoughts away form him came from another article I read on how we can change our thoughts, as they are only thoughts, and we are the thinkers, and if we change them we will feel differently. In other words, when he pops into my head to consciously change my thought to something that is happening in the present moment, because that is the true reality, and thinking about the past, and how the Narc hurt me is not serving me, its over and he isn't doing anything to me now. I am doing it to myself via my thoughts about him, and how he hurt me. In essence, he pulled the trigger on me and shot me in the heart, but I am continuing to shoot myself now every day for 8 months since he left via reliving the hurt in my head over and over. Does that make any sense?
I hear you on the point that when we try to NOT think of something it causes much thought about it instead. And I also hear you that it has not been really that long, but I gotta tell you, crying for 8.5 months now feels like a very long time with no joy.
Thank you for the continued support. It measn more to me than you know.
xxoo
Lisa

Belle de jour's picture

This helps me too. Thank

This helps me too. Thank you...

CherryCola's picture

Hang in there, I know exactly

Hang in there, I know exactly how you feel :( It's only been four and a half months for me, but I'm still incredibly tearful. It's not every single day like it was before, but I'd say probably once a week I have a day where I just sit and sob. Like you, I have tried EVERYTHING. I take anti-depressants, I'm doing CBT, councelling, self help, hypnosis, meditation, you name it, I've tried it, lol.
I also know logically that he is not a very nice person and therefore not good for me. But I can't help my feelings and emotions.. :(
I was also engaged and he left me after promising we'd be together forever and that he'd love me forever, etc. Seems to be a common thing for them to use and unfortunately while they're saying it with ulterior motives, we whole-heartedly believe them. I miss very much the person he was and I still feel a sense of shock that he wasn't who I thought. I don't know if you experience that? But that's a big problem for me.. I want to be able to get past the shock and disbelief.

abandonedandhurt's picture

Cherry

Yes the shock was more than I could handle. I still have some CD. It was so abrupt him leaving me. Totally unexpected. Never saw it coming. And finding out he was cheating on me just destroyed me! He said I was the love of his life. That he wouod never leave me. Got up and went to work one morning and he never came back. Just a quick stop a week later to get his things and answer my pleading with " im not changing my mind"! He had already secured the new supply source. Did yours cheat on you? Did he leave you abruptly? I read an article that lists that as a true sign he is a narc because healthy people cannot detach so easily and end a relationship like it never even existed. When I think of him I tell myself that I am not interested in a liar and a cheater. This helps the thoughts to go away again. I read that thoughts cannot thrive in our heads if we do not assign any interest to them. I hope you continue to heal. You are doing a lot better than I was at the 4 month mark. I was still crying every day then.

CherryCola's picture

I know how much it hurts and

I know how much it hurts and I'm so sorry that you're going through this too :( My ex also left me very abruptly. That was why I felt so much shock. Because I was happy and very much in love. I couldn't believe it was happening. I was sure I must be dreaming. I can't imagine how painful it must have been to find he'd cheated on you too! These people are just heartless. Mine also told me every day that I was the love of his life and promised he'd never leave me. I completely believed him. I didn't once worry about him leaving cause I didn't think it was possible.. I cried and begged and generally made a fool of myself when he did. And like yours he also said that he would never change his mind! Ugh, they're all the same! Kept saying he 'could never love you the same ever again'. Why? I didn't do anything!?
Mine didn't cheat on me.. Well not that I'm aware of. I wouldn't put anything past him now though. But he did leave very abruptly. We were choosing our wedding cake just four days before and he seemed really happy and like he was having a lot of fun with it. I was also in complete disbelief at how he seemed to just dump me and then carry on with his life like it never happened and like I don't exist! It's just cold and very shocking. It does help when I tell myself that I now see how he really is. And anyone who could do that to us so coldly and callously is not worth our time, love or attention. As much as I have days where I just wish and pray he would come back and tell me it was all a mistake, I try then to imagine what would happen if he did come back.. Could I really look at him in the same way after all of this? No. Absolutely not. So I know I wouldn't work.
Thank you.. I hope you start to feel better very soon. I know what a nightmare this all is! x

abandonedandhurt's picture

CherryCola

Wow do they subscribe to the same scripts for narc's? The behavior is so similar. It was a total shock that he got up and we got dressed for work and that day he never came back. I did not see it coming. It is incredible how they can justify this in their heads but they do. I struggle greatly with missing the relationship I thought I had, and how easily he was able to replace me and forget about me. I am so grateful for everyone here keeping me on track reminding me that he is a fraud, and that she is NOT getting some new improved version of him, they are simply still in the honeymoon phase and that is why they look so happy and good from the outside. I know my focus needs to be on me strictly and my recovery and self care, but I can't help it. If I hear he has done the same to her it will help me to feel better. It will erase the last shred of doubt that I had anything to do with what he did to me.

And I agree with you, if he did come back to me it would not be anything I could consider at this point. I admit sadly there was a window of time where I would have taken him back, but that has long passed, as I would never be able to trust him or believe in him again.

Walkingonsunshine's picture

I didn't cry for quite a

I didn't cry for quite a while and then suddenly I cried this week. Just a short cry but nonetheless less a cry. Do u cry because you miss him or do you cry because you recall something awful he did to you. I cries for the latter. I can only explain it as having empathy for myself. Like
Seeing someone suffer and being affected by it but then that someone is me. post trauma can take years to resolve. I hope you aren't missing him and his abuse and lies. Crying is ok once in a while and it goes along with the healing. Somebody died and we loved the somebody who died. But make no mistake they are dead.

abandonedandhurt's picture

why crying

sometimes I cry because I am lonely and miss what he promised me, to never leave me and to love me forever.In the beginning, he was so wonderful to me, the best love i ever had. I think I miss that and cry over the loss. Sometimes I cry over how mean he was to me, and how he took everything away from me he gave me, (his romance, his family connection, his work friends,his public clout, special attention, and the promise of marriage), and gave it to the woman he left me for. How I was erased and replaced. I think him moving on to her, and his family just taking her under their arms now, like I never existed at all, hurts me the worse of all. i have so much trouble accepting the erasing like i never existed. we were engaged to be married, and they ALL behave as if I never existed.

Walkingonsunshine's picture

So u miss the masked man. Yes

So u miss the masked man. Yes he is dead. So here it is, you have to create all those things for yourself. With the exception of clout and special attention. that's just ego feed and I know u are deeper than that. Screw his clout, waiting in line is not the end of the world:)

I understand the loneliness aspect but u are now being forced to create your own network. His family/ friends/peeps are his and you need to build your own. When u make new connections and enjoy normal people you will stop missing the addiction to n bullshit.

You are special because you are a strong decent person, you don't need fluffy perks or attention from him to make u special.

it's time to recreate your life, but it takes effort. All the best to you. Hugs!

abandonedandhurt's picture

Missing the masked man

No I miss the fake him, I will NEVER miss what I had in front of me when the mask fell off. Thank you! You are SO right in everything you said here. hugs to you.

Deidre99's picture

why do you miss the fake him,

why do you miss the fake him, though? what did the ''fake him'' give you, that you yourself can't provide?

when you figure that out, you'll stop crying over him, and what you thought he was.

abandonedandhurt's picture

Missing fake him

I think I meant to say I miss the illusion he created. The prince charming I fell in love with who never really existed. The love was real for me. So I think once the CD is gone completely, and I stop missing what I thought I had, and who I thought he was, that the crying will stop as a natural course of the latter. Maybe I haven't figured out how to not be lonely without him. It is getting better, and the crying is less, but I still get moments when I miss what I thought I had. I truly wish I could erase him like he erased me and never think of him again. I pray that day is around the corner.

onwithmylife's picture

It is

a very long haul, I am over 3 plus years out, no more crying or very few thoughts of the exnarc, but it took me well over 2 years not to be depressed, sadden, just thinking of what could have been,time is your best friend, get professional therapy too if you need to, therapy helped me so much..

Belle de jour's picture

I'm almost 2 years out and 10

I'm almost 2 years out and 10 months NC and still I have these obsessive thoughts. I'm not saying this to disappoint you but everyone here (I mean the mods and older members) say that healing takes a lot of time.
The good news is, as long as you maintain NC, better days will come, when you won't feel like crying at all. I guess it's a process you have to go through.
I, too, feel so tired of the thoughts but I trust those who walked in my shoes and made it to the other side, that this will eventually stop.
Hang in there, it will get better :)

HelpMeHeal's picture

Unfortunately, I don't have an answer but ....

.... I can absolutely relate to your post. I try try try and STILL he's my first thought in the morning, last at night, fills my waking moments unless I am extremely busy or with friends. I wake up in the middle of the night every night. It doesn't hurt as bad as it used to, but it still hurts. I guess the best we can do at this stage is to take the good moments in our days and know if we keep pushing forward, there WILL be more good than bad. Life really is too short to be wasted on people who really don't deserve our thoughts. Hang in there.

abandonedandhurt's picture

No kidding!

I hear you. Life is too precious. I HATE that he is on my mind as soon as I get up and all day and before I go to bed. He does NOT deserve this free rent in my head. And what gets me so mad is I KNOW he hasn't thought of me for one minute since he cheated on me and left me for the OW. This makes me so mad at myself! Get Out Of My Head you S.O.B.! I am trying to retrain the brain, and understand the peptide addiction, and did I mention I am a licensed therapist? I have this crap down! But applying it to self? Hmmmmmmmmm. Anyone know a hypnotist?

talktothehand's picture

I could have written this

I have those same thoughts, I think about it every day. I dream about it sometimes. I do the work, I read and I work some more. I have therapy. I have blocked him. I have laughed a lot here but I am sad a lot of the time. I know how long it takes and right now it will not go away. I can see he was not worthy of my affection and attention. He is majorly disordered. I will not be beaten by this. I loved him but he does not control me. I was never a slave to him and I never will be. I sometimes long for him but as much as I know I will never have him I know he will never have me. I may cry a bucketload but I will never pick up the phone and call that motherfucker ever. EVER.

abandonedandhurt's picture

Oh Yeah

I am with you sista soldier! I will NEVER call my X MothaF either! He will NEVER have me again! Major loss the asshole will never realize. But hey, that's his problem.

talktothehand's picture

Oh Yeah

I know I don't want to but I also like the fact that no one here would let me do that, even on a down day. No fucking way.

abandonedandhurt's picture

ttth

stay strong! Don't EVER call him no matter how weak or sad you feel. He never did, nor ever will deserve ANYTHING from you! Here is a deal, you keep me strong and I will keep you strong. OK?

talktothehand's picture

Sure

Bless you. I suspect he knows what I think about him. There's a lot of stuff going on with me at the moment but I know I will not contact him. The only reason would be to say 'what did you WANT from me FFS you psycho because you did not get it and nor did I.' I can cry and do cry for those I care(d) about but I am also a hard arsed assertive MF. I just don't know where that comes from but hey, continuity would be good. Sometimes I get sick of wearing the big girls pants.

Belle de jour's picture

wow, we' re almost in the

wow, we' re almost in the same time frame. It's good to know we are not alone in this.