marber's story

The devil in disguise

I have been reading your stories on this site and it is really striking to me, the similarities in what we experience in these relationships. Unfortunately.

I initiated no contact a year and a half ago. Since then he has tried to contact me about every three months. I cannot say I am not affected by that, the last time it made me feel literally sick. I think he somehow knew that the more distance that was put between us, the clearer the air became for me, the fog really lifted, and it was like he tried to keep me in the fog to control me, to make sure he always had the upper hand. But each time he tried to contact me, it became more and more clear to me that he acted in a very destructive and strange way, and that contacting me had nothing to do with him caring about me, just trying to get back some supply, control and use me. I told him it was hard for me emotionally to stay in contact, which he obviously completely ignored and disrespected since I never initiated contact, it was just him. To realize that there was no respect, no compassion, no friendship, was a very painful experience. I considered him a long time friend, and trusted him with my heart and soul when I´m usually a person who does not do that easily. The previous friendship made me feel safe. He always told me he wanted us to stay friends, meaning, as it turned out, to keep things just like they were in the relationship. But, when he called it "friendship" it meant no strings attached for him, no demands put upon him, no responsibilities for him. Then he turned, started to flirt, and then it was a relationship again. Until I wanted something from him, like commitment, he felt "invaded" and it all started all over, silent treatment, aloofness. And when I broke it off, sad, almost sick, and tired of it all, he was the one who invaded my boundaries shamelessly and without any kind of remorse. He even told me straight-out (in e-mail) that he was sorry he contacted me when he knew I didn´t want to, then he did it again. Actions speak louder than words.

I´ve known him for 12 years, we were collegues at first. I would never ever have expected him to act like he did, almost anyone but him, When we started the relationship, we both had very long relationships behind us, thirty and twenty years of marriage. I found excuses - and most of all HE did - for his behaviour due to depression and crisis from his divorce, even though I was in the same position. But the way he acts has been going on for four years, so I guess it´s more to it than depression. He is not an outgoing, bold guy, he revels in martyrdom and pity, which escalated to hidden threats of hurting himself when I started no contact. A real eye-opener to me was that he after he raged, he contacted me again after a month or so like nothing ever happened, really expecting everything to be like before. Talk about arrogance!

He told me that he could understand how hard it must be to be the one who wanted the relationship the most (that was me, not him of course). Arrogance, major one. The next day he could tell me I must be very tired of him, ask how I could stand him, and that he longed for me.
Always ambigious, double messages, sometime several times a day. I felt so confused that I really started to doubt what was true and what was not, that maybe it was me misunderstanding and interpreting everything the wrong way. Did we have a relationship, did we not? Did I overreact, did I not? One day I felt loved and safe, the next he was so aloof it was like the day before had never existed. He could tell me I said things about him I never did. He always talked about how socially gifted he was, and what a burden it was cos it was his false self he had to carry. Then he told me it was me who always called him socially gifted, which I never did. Mindbending, terrible.

He said everyone misunderstood him and women chased him. Sorry ass, he was. This is also some kind of narcissism, I guess, to always be the one who is the most pitiful of them all, who suffers the most, to make yourself the center of the world by controlling it by martyrdom. Who wants to kick someone who is already down, who can ask any form of responsibility from someone like that?

He is a counselor, in anger management and domestic violence, working with abusive men, and in the aftermath of it all, sometimes I think he used the knowledge he has to put me down. It scares me, and has caused a lot of damage in my trust for people, though I am working on not letting him have that power anymore. He is one who sees anyone getting closet him as a threat he must destroy. I hope I have a ability to love. He told me in one of his hoovers that there all these women trying to start a relationship with him, that he hoped I was not too disappointed in him because there was so many others who were, and how much he missed what we had. Luckily I was much more aware by then and it was clear manipulation as I saw it.
It has been a long road, and I have missed him very much, the friend I thought he was and the illusion I had about him and about us. But no contact really really works, though the process, from feeling sorry for him, to the complete sadness of what I put myself upto, the anger, the depression, was very hard and some of it is still lingering.

I have not responded to his hoovers, but then he contacted me at work and asked me to lunch - after I told him not to contact me, after that I had not responded to him, after I had not at any time contacted him, just out of the blue, the shamelessness of asking me that! We work in the same organisation, though far from each other, but I got so sick of it all that I answered yes to lunch, to set boundaries once and for all, and then asked him why he kept contacting me. He said he could´t handle the distance (I would never have figured THAT out!!), and then he refused lunch which was his idea in the first place! So twisted. I told him that if he kept disrespect my boundaries, considering the fact that he is counseling controlling and abusive men and lecturing about it, I would have no other option but to take the matter of his disrespect towards me to our common bosses knowledge. I have not heard anything since then. But I am still pissed off when I see and hear women go on about him, a model to other men by his work, and of course he can also charm the socks off a lot of people, his false self is working very well, for a while...

Anyway, I hope all of us is on the path forward, I know there is one, the one the leads us far, far away from these persons who are sad shells and who have to live with their unability to love. I´m so glad to have found this site!