Jokes on you...'s Story

I maybe new here but...

But my story is not. I write a little and then I delete then i remember to justblet it all out and it doesnt have to be typed perfectly. My need to have everything perfect has become boring. Two weeks ago I shared my story to great lengths..spent the entire night composing it. I previewed it and boom...my computer shut down and my story was gone. I was pissed at first but then realized it was no big deal.. I would type it again to share with you all. I haven't seen many new stories lately so I figure id add mine tonite. It is a beautiful night... My daughter plays next door with her friend and I sit here on my porch listening to the crickets chirping. I so love the night...the early part of it anyway. It's the later hours that get to me sometimes especially when like someone said earlier that the holidays are the worst. So true. Even as a child growing up, the holidays were anything but merry. My mother a photographer was always snapping pictures and having us kids posing with those fake smiles. As if our lives were picture perfect....my mother always wanted to portray it that way to others. We weren't allowed to have problems.She would have been a great spokesperson for las Vegas...you know the saying...what happens here stays here. She couldnt handle the idea of her husband ( my stepfather) molesting her daughter. She couldn't handle the idea that her first husband ( my biological father) molesting her daughter either and she certainly couldn't handle anyone knowing that they were doing it in the same time frame. ( they were never present together with me and they also didn't know about the other and what he was doing) nice family hey? As you can see I had nobody showing me the way on having a good life. It is a miracle I am not dead already just from the pain it has caused me my entire life. You'd think I'd have been able to go to my mother for help. My mother was Joan Crawford in mommy dearest.

She was abusive to the point where she actually took a scene from the movie and reenacted it with me. The part where the daughter is playing dress up in her mothers bedroom mirror pretending to be her mother. Mommy dearest loses it for whatever reason and has her daughter sit there looking in the mirror while she chops off the daughters hair with the scissors. That's MY mother...only I was with a boy and didn't know she was ready to leave the basketball game that night. I was 13. She took me to her hairdresser the next day after she butchered my long hair into the incredible hulk look and told her that I did it to myself because I was having a bad hair day. Lol...WTF? Don't want to let on to people that she was a psycho...always covering shit up. And this happened AFTER I told her about what them mother fers were doing to me.

My father, stepfather, my brothers and my mother all lived under the same roof from the time I was about 4 years old until I was fifteen when my father remarried and split. My stepfather continued to make advance towards me until I fled to another STATE when I turned 18. It was during those three years that my life became even more crazy. Needless to say, I slept with any boy that was willing to have me. But not just any boy...it was always the bad boys of course and with that came the pregnancies. Twin boys at 17...I went into premature labor at 6 months along..underwent an emergency csection. My babies both died shortly before christams that year. I left the hospital with empty arms and an empty heart. The drive home that day was one of the most surrealist I've ever had in my 41 years on this earth.

A year later I was pregnant again. The father split shortly after me telling him. He had another girl pregnant at the same time and denied both us and our babies. 9 months later I had a healthy beautiful boy. I named him Nicholas. I made the best choice I could for him to have a happy life...I chose adoption for him. There was no way in hell I was going to let my family fuck his life up like they did mine. He was two months old when I put him in another womans arms. That was over two decades ago. Since then not a day has went by that I haven't thought of him. I struggled hard for many years and still do at times. Not only the choice I made for him but all the bullshit that lead up to it. I was running amok. I was out of control then and didn't know how bad it all really was. That's when an opportunity presented itself in the form of an airplane ticket 1000 miles away from there and a family member who was willing to take me in and away from hell. I took it. A job soon followed that. I was happy for the first time in my life. I met someone at that job. But not just anyone.

He was the first person that Treated me like I was a person and not a toy. I was 19...he was seven years older and stable!! Everything he had he earned. M worked hard. Both his parents were deceased long before I met him. He had to make his own way after that. Responsible, trustworthy, trusting, caring, good looking, mature. I told him of my past and he still wanted to grow old with me he said. I deserved a chance to have the life I never had. We got married couple years later. I was so happy. Our daughter was born soon after. My life was starting to make sense. I loved being a mother. I loved being a wife. I loved being taken care of and not having to worry about bad shit happening. I was safe. So I thought...

Around the time my daughter was three, I took up a part time job. I worked the late shift and sometimes after work me and co workers would stop in the bar that was next door. Mind you I never really had that partying time earlier in my teen years. I was usually pregnant. I took the partying too far you could say...my first affair began. By the time summer was over, I was pregnant. I had an abortion. My husband took me back . I thought I had learned a lesson....what it was I didn't know for sure BUT things got better and we moved on. M bought us a home. It started to feel normal I guess is the only way to explain it. Despite the fact that I didn't know what normal was exactly. M and I had another child together. I continued to work that part time job. Less than a year later that's when and where I met the N. The ultimate N.

I did try to escape that house soon after the above time. It was while I was with yet another guy...my mother didn't approve of. WTF? Anyway..to make a long story short...I came out to the house to get My belongings. As I was packing it all in bags next to the front door here comes my mother pulling up in the driveway. She comes in and sees all my stuff then starts grabbing all the bags and tosses them out into the fire pit where we burned the garbage if you lived out of city limits. I tried stopping her. She continued until she felt satisfied with what she had done. She left. It wasn't until then that I walked upstairs to my bedroom and discovered she had taken a sledgehammer and totally obliterated everything...everything....pictures...mementoes...shit that I loved..that I had taken care of. It was all I fucking owned!!! Gone....smashed or burning. I hate her for that and so so so much more. I hate her for still being with the beast this whole time. She's STILL with him.!!!!! He's went on to create even more pain for the ones that were left behind with him. My brothers. And I hate to even mention it, but he s brought my mother pain. I don't know if that's something I should even acknowledge. She shouldn't be worthy of me thinking about her in that way. I don't want to feel sorry for her. I don't. She has kept a lot of this shit going. How the fuck did she think I could any of us could heal when that piece of shit was always there? Are you kidding me? What woman chooses a pedophile and a repeated one at that over your own flesh and blood? I just can't understand it at ALL. My whole family is toxic. They will never change. They haven't changed. All but one of my brothers ( and he is my only biological sibling) are products of two very fucked up people. And they all stick together. It's me against them. They still to this day tell me I enjoy making problems for them. Haven't I moved on yet they ask? When are you going to get over it? My reply....when I'm good and damned ready. Well...I was on my way..... And that where I introduce my N.

HI...my name is so and so . I'm sexy and charming with the ladies, all my guy friends think I'm cool because I play BaSEBALL and gambling is my middle name. Dd I mention I'm a recovering cocaine addict and I worked for and was fired by a MLB team for selling drugs, forging players autographs and stealing MLB equipment? By the way, I live with my momma, have no car and haven't held down a job since my demise as a clubhouse manager. Want to hang out and smoke some crack? Oh youre married with children? No problem. Im a jack of all trades. I do it all. No job is too small or too illegal for me. And to top it all off you'll be happy to know I live only two blocks from you. Oh, I mean my momma lives two blocks from you. I hope you don't mind that I will soon turn into a stalker and scare the living shit out of you and your family. I wished I had a family. All they did was help me the best way they could and took care of that big lawsuit that the MLB brought on me. I owe them nothing but my continued fucked up ways. After all it's all about me. Can you buy this round of drinks and then give me a ride the three blocks to my home? In case you didn't notice, I'm a fat ass too, you just can't tell by my sweating profusely under this ghetto yellow track suit. did I mention I love cocaine? And I love you?

15 years. 15 years I have been back n forth with this piece of shit. That's how long it's taken me to figure out what vie been allowing for the last 30 years. That's a long time to be spinning...but thats how it's been. Him and all the other narcs in my life have taken each there own chunk of me. You bastards. How dare you do these unspeakable acts to another person and live to breathe another second? There is no special place in hell for you to burn. I prefer you burn now. While I watch. I'll take extra butter on that popcorn asshole for the show and make it a fucking large. Did I mention I'd like to see you all castrated? Bonus feature.

I am not going to go into much depth with this latest N. At least not for tonite. I'm sure you have a pretty good idea what he's all about and what he continued to be up until about a month ago when I went cold turkey no contact on his hairy ass. Yes, I have lost many and much. I have been abandoned. I have had to fend for myself. I have had to learn the absolute hard way that what I was doing wasn't working. I was alone for a long time, I am my best friend. Nobody knows me better than me and I can honestly say with my whole being that I have fucking had enough!!!!!! I cannot and will not continue on like this. There is no other way for me to go but up from thispoint. I don't want to keep adding to this story. I want it to stop and a new story told. The one where I live happily ever after. Ok so maybe it just wishful thinking ...the happily ever aver part but really when I think about it thats all there is left. So why can't I wish for it? Ive connected the dots and crossed the t's...the shit I went through to be able to talk about it finally without shame is liberating. I feel lighter in getting this all out. I feel human again. I love my children. They are my life. Without them I would not have had the courage to go on. I figured if I survived ALL of THAT, that I can do anything and everything I always knew I had the potential for. It'nwas always there...this drive to become whole again. It never left me. The day would come when it was all going to be ok. The day is here and I am eager to move forward. I know I have what it takes. My past was preparing me for my future. I just took the long way.

Thank you for this site. Thank you god for today, tomorrow and yesterday. Thank you for the love you've kept alive in me. I plan on using it for me and my family and all people that are deserving of it. I am loving the love.