Imok123's story

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#1 Sep 5 - 4PM
imok123
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Imok123's story

Another for the same-sex N…My story starts about 8 years ago. I was coming to terms that my relationship with my then husband was coming to an end, and also that I was gay so I filed for divorce. I met my N on a message board for a soap opera of all things, and she was going through the same thing. We started talking, and hit it off. At first we were support for each other, and then we started to IM each other. I noticed that there were hearts on the IM, and that kind of threw me off a bit. I thought, wow she is already doing hearts with me. We really made a connection. We talked more, and I ended up traveling to see her, and of course she was charming; we were attracted to each other instantly and later had sex. I had never been with anyone but my husband and she said the same thing, so we were a bit nervous. Basically, we were in the heat of the moment, and she says “*** bit**” in the middle of it all. I was shocked and I immediately stopped, and she started apologizing profusely. I should have just left and never looked back at that point.
She was still married, but was moving to a new apartment. Little did I know that her ex was helping her and the kids move to an apartment because they were having problems paying bills, and they had just filed bankruptcy. He thought she wanted them all to live in the apartment. ( I moved in instead) She told him she never said that, but who really knows now. She also told me she had gone to counseling to help her figure out what was going on, and what she should do since she was gay, and married.
I am not saying her ex is not a total ass, and he is a big time N as well, but I can see now in hindsight I was used to be the “out” for her relationship. I quit my job, and came to where she was (1000) miles from where I lived at the time. I had some money saved from my previous job, and I was divorced, so I moved there to be with her. She needed my help after all, her ex was a bad guy, she was going through a nasty divorce, and she had children for goodness sakes. The church they had attended was turning against her for the divorce and being gay, and since she worked there, she had to find another job. I supported her through all of this. I watched the kids while she worked odd hours. Side note* neither she nor her ex seemed to care that the OW (me at that time), was watching their kids. We rocked along through her divorce and custody and all that good stuff that comes along with divorce with an N and kids. (It was hell, but I supported her) I totally took on the protector and nurture role, supported her emotionally (it distracted me from my pain too). I stayed home with the kids for 9 months, and then decided I needed to get a job. I was able to find one pretty easy, a good job, too, but it was never as important as hers, and she had to make sure she made more money than I did. We started out good in our relationship, we convinced each other it was meant to be, and we were there to help each other through hard times. But I started to notice that the only one that was being helped was her. I took care of the kids, handled her emotions when her ex would be the typical ass, I helped pay bills, I cleaned the house…and they were messy! I did it all, and still worked full-time. I mentioned something about helping, and she would blow up and started to tell me all that she does, and that I don’t know how much she does; She even said, I gave you everything I have. She did the dishes a few times, but it fizzed out after awhile. She would cook dinner, but then leave a huge mess in the kitchen for me to clean. Basically, mostly insensitive to my feelings or needs, seemed oblivious to what I did. By this time, I was invested though. I had fallen in love with her, and the kids, I was helping, I was doing good. We were actually happy and up-beat. Honeymoon phase, I guess you could say. Her birthday rolled around, and I thought I would be romantic. I got her a small, but thoughtful gift and a card. She seemed to like it, but as the days went by, I noticed them on the floor, or where ever they ended up. She wasn’t using my gift, and didn’t seem to appreciate the fact that I actually listened to her. Jump to a few years later, and she goes off for a week to be with college girl friends. They meet every year. I am not invited (because spouses are not invited), but someone has to watch the kids while she goes, so I did it. I go to the airport to pick her up, and I have a surprise picnic basket with expensive cheese and crackers, and all the romantic stuff along with an apron. It was a welcome home, kinky present that I had thought up. She didn’t even acknowledge it. I could see she wasn’t interested so, I just left it in the car. It sat out in the car for three days, before I just decided to throw it away. There were times when I couldn’t say anything without getting shushed, or talked over. There were times, she wanted to go out, or help a straight friend that she admittedly had a crush on, but the girl turned out to be “just a good friend”, and she was very needy (always had drama). I later found out that after I left, this friend made moves on her. I was told that my N turned her down and that I should be glad because she could have had her. My N would flirt with anything with two legs, in front of me….basically a huge lack of respect, and I let it happen. If I said anything or called her on it, it was my misunderstanding the old “these are not the droids you’re looking for bit” She would get mad if I asked too many questions about her friends, saying that she didn’t have answers, and didn’t have “the words” to answer if she did know. She accused me of not listening to her many times throughout the relationship, and expected me to “just know” what she was thinking and feeling. (She also said that to the ex, so I guess no one listened to her?) She made me feel as though I was a jealous person for asking anything…How dare I question her or ask her what her day was like etc.. I never so much worried about sexual infidelity, but emotional infidelity was happening with the friend. She was closer emotionally with this person than she should have been. When she got mad at me, I never knew what would push the button because I was walking on eggshells constantly, she would withhold sex, and stonewall. She wouldn’t look at me, and when she walked around the house, she would slam things down so I knew she was mad. I would ask her if she was mad, and she would say no, but she was obliviously mad. I would ask her to do something for me, and she would put me off as if I nagged (even told me I nagged), but when “a” or even “the” friend called and needed anything she would jump up and go. I was at home with the kids. Our relationship kept getting worse. She grew bored with me, I think, and said I never wanted as much sex as she did, (even though I gave in to her urges more than I should have), to go out or stay out very long if we did. This was somewhat true. I am not as outgoing, and we usually had to find a sitter if were both going out, so she started to play on her droid constantly, texting, or playing games sometimes games with friends (not the emotional affair girl) I looked. I accused her of always being on that droid instead of helping around the house or with the kids. She would get mad and stonewall. This went on for a few years, and then I said I wanted to go to counseling. I picked a counselor for us, and we started to go. Immediately she started accusing me of wanting to leave to go back where I was from. She started pointing out my weak points (not enough sex for her etc…) Hind sight, it was just really when she wanted it, I didn’t. I don’t think that is uncommon in a long-term relationship, but I was made to feel inferior. I called her on it all (every single thing she said I did), and the therapist started to see that there was something more going on here. Next thing I know, I have to leave. She didn’t know what she wanted anymore, and we had problems, and she was confused, and hurt. She stonewalled me for about two weeks solid in our home. She would leave me and the kids and not tell me where she was going. It was usually out to see the emotional affair or some other friends. When I questioned her, I got nothing. She was fine to other people and even nice when we were in public, but at home. I was the enemy. I had been isolated from my family. It had been a year since I had been back home, and I had no friends. I looked for a place to live around where we were, so I could be there for the kids, and hopefully her when this blew over, but I couldn’t afford to live by myself, so I was lucky enough to get a job back home where I had family and support. I left her and the kids. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. I love those kids, and I loved her and genuinely cared about her well being mentally and physically. I was devastated that she didn’t want me there, and that she turned so cold to me. I packed up and left. I got back and got settled about two weeks, and she text me saying she was sorry, and that she does love me, but she is confused. I took her back, but I had just started this job, and I was reluctant to leave 1. I could get stuck there again with no support 2. She never said, I love you, I miss you, come home. I waited for this. We were on and off again for a few months at a time long distance. She kept telling me she didn’t know if she could do a long distance relationship and our lives were still on the roller coaster of emotion. I had flown back a few times to visit, and of course intimacy always happened. I thought things were going fine. Then she comes out to see me. The only ticket she actually bought with her own money. I got us a hotel room, and we discussed how we would work this out. I talked of getting a job there, and moving back, and trying this again, but she always said it was not the right time. There was always a reason, an excuse. She wouldn’t move here to be with me (even though I made way more money now than she did) again her job and her life were more important than mine. There was one episode where she text me all sad, and finally said I miss you, I love you, I want you here, this was after our last visit where she flew out to see me, and we decided to work it out. So I decided I would just move back (transfer with my company). We made plans for me to come out for her birthday to visit ; the kids and I and even she said she was excited. I would be there in three weeks. She texts me two weeks before I am to arrive, and tells me she met someone else, and didn’t know what that meant, and that now is not a good time for me to come visit. I was reeling. I became desperate, and basically did everything wrong to feed her ego. I got the classic N line through text of course, “we are not together, you are there and I am here. I do love you” What??? We were working it out. I never wanted to leave in the first place, but she gave me no choice. During this whole time the course of a year, that we had been going back and forth, I was supplying emotional support, and money. I was paying a lot of her bills, so the kids would have food, and nice things. She was going out every day to lunch at expensive places with friends and drinking a lot more than she used to. Hind sight, I can see how I was used and strung along; she used love and the kids, and the possibility of working it out to do it. She made me feel bad for leaving and accused me of abandoning her several times. So I guess that’s why she did it. She couldn’t stand to be the one left, and had to be the leaver. I am still struggling with it all. It has been three weeks since she said she met this OW, and has already introduced her to the kids. Today is my full second day of NC. Her birthday is this weekend (when I was supposed to be visiting my family), and I am fighting with my brain and the movie reel in it, of them having birthday sex in our bed. I am so angry and hurt, but reading this site has helped me to see the light. The kids are hurt, I am hurt, but I still talk to them. The OW is a lot younger than I am too, and so I would imagine that is a big feather in her ego as well. It makes me sick, and yet, I still want her to contact me…ugh! I noticed a lot of the Narcspeak lines were used on me throughout the relationship, including tactics to get me to just “shut up”. If she made dinner we all had to say it was the best dinner ever made. If I said I didn’t like it, she would go off and accuse me of not being appreciative. She also had grandiose ideals that she was a real player, very outgoing and loud, and would sexually harass women at work, but still get away with it somehow.That is what made me think she was probably a N. I remembered yesterday, that she had gone to the therapist before she booted her husband out, and she turned cold to him as well. I wonder if the therapy had something to do with the immediate coldness. Was she about to be exposed for what she is? Therefore I had to go? She has dyed her hair, and changed for this girl, she goes out to bars because this girl likes to party…leads me to believe this OW is now the prey. She also told me she is in a good place emotionally now…It’s been three weeks mind you that she has known this person…I didn’t reply to her, but all I could think is that yes you would be, because the new OW is still happy. You haven’t ground the life out of her like you have done to me…yet. There of course is more, but since I have written a book, and I think you get the idea I will stop. That’s my story.

Sep 5 - 7PM
virgoluv
virgoluv's picture

I think you was looking through my window

Sep 6 - 6PM (Reply to #4)
imok123
imok123's picture

not alone

Sep 5 - 5PM
brinamarie
brinamarie's picture

this woman fucked with your

Sep 5 - 6PM (Reply to #2)
imok123
imok123's picture

Eyes have opened