SandraLisaPrincess Story

A Lifetime of Clarity

Just over two years ago, I met my dream guy. He was gorgeous, tall, smart, witty, exciting, and up for anything. We spent three glorious weeks spending time together – going out for cocktails, barbecues at his friend’s 5000-square foot house on the golf course, karaoke-ing, and FABULOUS sex. I was so happy!
Then, one day, I received a text that said, “Clearly, I made a mistake. Take care.” What? What just happened? We were having such a great time, his friend told me that he had told him I was The Perfect Girl. There MUST be some sort of misunderstanding. But he wouldn’t text me back. I frantically emailed him, messaged him on Facebook, texted him…all the while scouring my brain to figure out WHAT I HAD DONE. I spent a week on the couch with a box of Kleenex, trying to wrap my brain around what had just happened.
A couple of months later, he texted me. We met for drinks, had FABULOUS sex, and started seeing each other again. I was so happy! He told me that he had overheard a conversation that I was having with another woman at one of the bbqs we went to, regarding a guy that I had coffee with, and that he was looking for a relationship. He thought I wanted to “date the city,” and he just didn’t want to be a part of it. He didn’t want to talk about it, and he was over it.
We had dinner plans, and half an hour before we were supposed to meet I texted him to see where we were meeting, and he didn’t respond. What? Was he okay? Did he get hurt? Have a heart attack? Once again, I frantically texted, emailed, called…and to no avail. Two days later, he “checked in” on Facebook at a hamburger joint. I deleted him.
A few months went by, I was baffled at how someone could just stand someone up with no remorse…for their time, their feelings…I was so excited to be seeing him again, and he claimed he had missed me. It was very confusing. I pushed him out of my mind, and dated other people, all while secretly hoping he would be back…because for some inexplicable reason, I still wanted him.
Sure enough, he came back! I was so happy! We had cocktails again, FABULOUS sex, and he explained that he stood me up because he was actually seeing someone at the time, and he “didn’t want to be rude” by taking me to dinner. (I guess having FABULOUS sex with me wasn’t considered rude. Just meals. I get it. ) He re-added me on Facebook, and everything seemed back on track.
We hung out for a couple of weeks, and then all of a sudden he disappeared again. This time there was nothing. Or wait. Maybe there was…there were SO many times that I allowed him to come back in my life (among other places – yeah I said it), that it’s all kind of melded together now. Maybe we stopped talking because of the condom wrapper that I saw on the very top of his bedroom trash, or maybe it was because of the time he had initiated contact again, while he was headed out of town, that Wednesday, texting me pics of his trip, telling me he wasn’t back until Sunday, but then he was immediately leaving again until the following Wednesday, then we bumped into each other on Sunday, while he was with Barbie? Mhmmmm…Barbie’s posts on his Facebook wall after that day were so cute. All the same little jokes he had with me – and the two other girls that were posting. Yeah, maybe that’s why.
Needless to say, I let this guy back in so many times, hoping that I was gonna be the one to change him. There HAD to be a reason he kept contacting me, right? I mean, there was something there. I was willing to let him date his Rolodex full of women, because I knew that we would be the ones who would end up together. I didn’t understand why he wouldn’t just commit already.
We ended up working for the same company – truly randomly, on a fluke. I was scheduled to do a couple of months worth of training at HIS office. Shit. When I found this out we were casually texting…he was constantly asking to see me, I would make up excuses because I was seeing Nice Guy, that was treating me well…
One Sunday a month before my training was to begin, he sent me text after text asking to see me. “Let’s have drinks.” “I want to take you to a nice dinner.” “When will you have some time for me?” “I SAID, ‘I want to take you to a nice dinner.’” “You must have found some other guy.” Finally after SEVENTEEN texts, in a matter of 4 hours, he sent one that said the following:
“I really love you but I can’t be the only one trying anymore. Now you’re
just somebody that I used to know. Goodbye.”

What? What just happened? He loves me?!?! Shit. I think I may love him too. Yes. That’s it. I love him. THAT’S why we keep doing this. Crap, I had better text him back. I formulated this fabulous text, telling him that yes, I did love him too, and that we needed to just DO this for real. He had blocked my number. I tried again. Same thing. What? Finally, he had let his guard down. I had been waiting for this for so long! So what that I couldn’t trust the guy for shit, or that I constantly felt like I needed to be wearing name brand clothes because he actually noticed that stuff, or that I felt nervous that he may disappear at any time…He loved me. And I loved him.
I ended things with the Nice Guy, telling myself it wasn’t because of the Clearly (that was what I had nicknamed him, after the “Clearly, I made a mistake” comment) thing. It just simply wasn’t fair to Nice Guy that I had these feelings for someone else. I had to work it out. Of course, that’s not what I told Nice Guy.
Within two minutes of entering my training site, we made eye contact. He said hi, I just said, “hey how’s it going.” I was determined to stay away from him. I didn’t know how he’d act…I was going to be professional. I immediately got a text from him – “You made my heart skip a beat. You are seriously going to have to stop looking so gorgeous if you’re gonna be around here for the next couple of weeks.” I just texted, “Weeks? Try months! And yes. Crap.” (Sidenote – he didn’t listen to anything I ever said, and would even go so far as to say “shhh…” while I was talking when things were “good” between us…so not surprising that he didn’t know how long I was going to be in his office.) Then he responded with, “I love you. You’re a pain my ass. Yup, that pretty much sums it up.” OMG. I was so happy! This was it. We were doing this.
After two weeks of hanging out here in there, having drinks, FABULOUS sex, being ecstatic, my birthday happened to fall. He texted me the day before asking if he could take me to lunch. I told him the only time I could go, he had a meeting, I told him to change it, and he did! OMG. We were really doing this.
I heard NOTHING from him regarding lunch after that. The next day, at lunch time, I walked out of my office and was headed to take myself to lunch for my birthday (asshole), and he was standing in the hall, talking on the phone, and he put up one finger, as if to say, “one minute.” I just shrugged, and walked to my car. Fuck him. How dare you stand me up on my birthday. I got in my car, and he came running over and got in (still on the phone). I drove to the restaurant we had discussed the previous day, and we ate. Then we went back to work. That was it. For my birthday. I was not happy.
We ended up hanging out for a couple more weeks – dinner, drinks, FABULOUS sex…he made me breakfast, I made him dinner (incidentally, the night I made him dinner, he wouldn’t touch me…I thought he had possibly been with someone else earlier in the day, or on his way after our dinner…but I now think it’s a shining example of the Madonna-Whore complex. I did something domestic that I had never done for him before, and it was a turn off…weird). Then, on the fourth week, his texts started slowing down…they became very short…cold even. What?
I had been waiting for the ball to drop…for him to disappear again…but everything was going so awesome. I started obsessing – why wasn’t he texting? What was he doing that was so time consuming that he couldn’t send me a quick text? WHO WAS HE FUCKING? I was driving myself insane. Again.
After four days of not hearing from him, I sent him a text initiating a DTR (Define The Relationship) conversation. I wasn’t going to waste any more time with his head games. I knew it wasn’t me. I dug him, he knew it, I was being the perfect girlfriend, giving him space, not questioning him when he said he couldn’t spend Thursday night with me, but with no excuse why, other than “puppy” (he had just gotten puppy…the perfect female attractor, no?). I told him whatever “this” was I couldn’t do it anymore. He came back with stupid things like, “You complain a lot. That’s not my thing.” And, “You’re doing that THING again.” I asked him if he was seeing anyone else. He responded with “I haven’t.” What the hell was that? So he was going to? He sent something to the affect of “We tried, but it’s just not meant to be…” All I said was, “OK.” I think it threw him off, because he came back with an hour more of devaluing statements, including his “You complain a lot. That’s not my thing,” followed by, “I have your complaint file. Read it. Discarded.” He literally used that word!
I was doing okay, because I was expecting it. But I don’t think he realized that I was doing it for good. I wanted to tell him that this time it’s for good, but something wouldn’t let me. We stopped the conversation, I went to bed crying, I woke up crying, and of course he was the first person I saw when I walked in the office on Monday morning (the very next day). Luckily I had my sunglasses on so he couldn’t see my teary eyes. I sent him a text (now I SO wish I hadn’t!), just saying “stupid.” He had parked in my spot, which was totally unnecessary…this was gonna suck. One more month of this, having to see him, not being able to touch him…UGH.
Then, once in my office, I Googled the book “Smart Women, Foolish Choices.” I don’t know where I had heard of it, but I was determined to find SOMETHING to help me get over this asshole. He was toxic. He was poison for my heart. I was so mad at myself for allowing this shit to happen again. I stumbled across THIS website instead of the book I was originally searching for. I started reading posts on here, and the Homepage…OMG. I went from being so sad that my dream guy didn’t want me (again) to understanding that he was NEVER my dream guy, except in my dreams…This shit has a name. He is a textbook Narcissist. There is a reason he comes in and out of my life, on a (what I used to tease him) “Quarterly Basis.” What? It wasn’t me. It wasn’t anything I was doing, or wasn’t doing. I’m not unlovable. I’m not crazy. I struck gold when I found Lisa’s website. There were so many things that I read on that first day that struck chords with me regarding Clearly, and our rollercoaster relationship. Everything from not being an option to someone when you make them a priority (my girlfriends and I say that to each other!), to the crazy-making behavior (my mom and I say THAT all the time), to people saying they have found “clarity.”
Now, I must explain my tone in this essay. I have written my goodbye letter, his to me, my lists of things that I will not forget, my lists of things I can and cannot control. I have read the first 5 chapters of the book. I have cried. I have admitted to myself that yes, I DO love this asshole. But I have also decided that I will NEVER feel the way I felt when we were seeing each other again. EVER. It’s a dark, shitty place to be. Like the bottom of the grossest outhouse you have ever had to pee in, because it was either that or the bushes. I also am very, very sad. Sad because the man that I am in love with does not exist. I have to keep reminding myself of this. He is not the guy of my dreams; he is the guy I tell my friends to stay away from. I have known this all along, now it has a name.
I am allowing myself to mourn. I am mad at him for sucking ME into his Rolodex. I am mad at myself for actually thinking there was hope. I am sad that we will never be together. I am sad that the “we” I wanted will NEVER exist, because half of that “we” is not who I thought he was.
I deleted his pictures. His “sweet” texts. I threw away everything that reminds me of him. I changed his pic in my phone to a huge stop sign, and his name to “Delete Immediately, Do Not Respond, Do Not Believe Anything” (yeah, that fits!).
Shit. I just got a text from that number. Just now. “Stupid.” I will not respond. I have to see him for work tomorrow, for three more weeks…I can do this. I am calling this a lifetime of clarity, because Clearly, I am NOT a mistake.