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Venting about NCing
larlu
Member since:
39 weeks 23 hours
39 weeks 23 hours
Last activity:
15 weeks 6 days
15 weeks 6 days
Venting about NCing
Posted August 23, 2012 - 8:05am
I am new here, but I have been reading everyone's stories for days, so I feel like I know some of you already :)
I want to break NC. Very badly.
It's been only a few days, too.
I just want my crack hit right now so freakin' much!
On my iPhone, which I always have with me, is Facebook, Words With Friends, text, call. All ways we used to communicate. Four addictions to break.
Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I miss our connection so much. Even with all the absolute bullshit I just remember how charming and alluring I found him.
It's over. I hate that it's over. I hate the ache in my core.
I just needed to vent. And probably will do it again very soon. This sucks.
© E. Scott Enterprises | Lisa E. Scott
We are not certified mental health professionals and this site and message board is in no way a replacement for professional therapy, legal or medical advice.
yeah withdrawal to this
August 23, 2012 - 8:44pm — foreverfun1yeah withdrawal to this addiction sucks but good going
WWF
August 23, 2012 - 7:29pm — CanadaWelcome larlu!
You know, Words With Friends was another way he controlled my time, was super mad when I won (each and every time), and it was the first line of control that I started breaking away from him with. I realized at the end that those empty, meaningless things we did as 'friends' were getting on my nerves and I began to resent them.
The other four were Facebook, Gmail chat, the phone and email. All very addictive, the hits of crack came from everywhere. Did you find yourself sitting around waiting for him to 'hit' you on Facebook or WWF when you didn't wait with other people?
I actually got a kind of hoovering after stopping Words With Friends, he kept on sending invites after I deleted the app without telling him - he acted like I owed him notice that I stopped playing. !!
''Words with Assholes'' would
August 23, 2012 - 9:18pm — Deidre99''Words with Assholes'' would be what you were playing, when your narc was in attendance. lol
:=P
Bahahahaha Deidre!
August 23, 2012 - 9:20pm — CanadaBahahahaha Deidre!
I pictured it like this.
August 23, 2012 - 7:29pm — Im_always_fineI pictured it like this. Being with him was like living in eye of a category 5 hurricane. So long as I stayed within the bounds HE set for me I could experience relatively low levels of chaos. The moment you decide to brave the turmoil and terror of leaving him (the center of the storm) you'll need to muster up as much courage and power as you've ever had to go through GETTING OUT.
The further you get from the eye the closer you'll get to the OUTSIDE of the hurricane. Keep going...you WILL get out. Grit your teeth..white knuckle your seat.
On the other side of this pain is peace and joy...it's worth it...you're worth it...
Hurricane Narc!
August 24, 2012 - 3:15am — evergreenSo true it is like that! You get swept up in the Hurricane and it is so difficult to extract yourself but you know if you don't ...only devastation in the long run will ensue.....head for safe ground!
that is
August 23, 2012 - 7:33pm — kollontai77a really great analogy, and illustrates perfectly why it's so hard to get out and stay out without spinning round screaming and getting sucked back in again.
And also why people don't get it.
"Just Move On!" "It didn't work out, get over it"........ blech!
i need to vent also
August 23, 2012 - 6:33pm — kimberlyrLarlu, all of you, I am experiencing the same emotions ! I'm lost , I'm scared as hell. And hate this hurt. I just don't know how to cope.
Contact=Pain
August 24, 2012 - 12:53am — BeeckyDIf you contact him and get the silent treatment=PAIN
If you contact him and he degrades, devalues, gaslights=PAIN
If you contact him and you start talking and you get back together and he gets bored or you cross him in any way=PAIN
CONTACT=PAIN...
Trust me it is hard...but do you want to get old before your time and sit around waiting for this jerk to come back into your life...oh...H to the No!!!!
Welcome
August 23, 2012 - 10:34am — HunterYou need to understand that these people Mirrior thier victims .
The person you are missing is YOURSELF!!
calling him.. For what?? To receive the silent treatment or abuse.. Why bother .,
It's time to fall back in love ., with YOU!!
Hunter
No pain, no gain.
August 23, 2012 - 9:21am — Deidre99No pain, no gain. Seriously...we have to experience pain, to stretch and grow.
Vent away! Better to vent here, than to the ex N.
If you felt no pain, I'd wonder then. But, understand that pain is all part of the healing process. You won't always feel this way, but you have to feel this way, until you don't, anymore.
And you will rise above this pain, someday.
Hang tough! Stay NC and be strong!
Going THROUGH the wall
August 23, 2012 - 9:28am — larlu"...you have to feel this way, until you don't, anymore."
And this, exactly, is where I think the heart of success lies. In accepting the discomfort! Which is very difficult.
It's a wall. We can wander up and down the length wall, moving laterally, but the only way to move forward is THROUGH the wall, and that f*cking hurts.
Yes, I know. ((hugs)) :( I
August 23, 2012 - 9:35am — Deidre99Yes, I know. ((hugs)) :(
I think what hurts the most in the beginning days, is that feeling of withdrawal. Not just of the person himself, but of the activities you once shared.
When we break up with someone, often times, we have to ''break up'' with all those people and activities that were woven in with the relationships, itself. That's tough.
You will have rough days, and better days. Super good days, take a while. I wish I could say differently. However, the progress with which you move through all this, will be contingent on you staying NC, and that means not looking at FB, etc. Not just avoiding his calls and texts, or not reaching out, directly. NC as you will learn more and more, goes way beyond that.
I think if you block his number, deactivate apps, and so on...you will find NC a lot easier in terms of just carrying it out. The pain and grief process will still exist, but the actual mechanics of it, will be easier.
It may seem enriching to receive a text from him, but trust us! Hoovering is not a complimentary thing from an ex N. It just means they are bored, horny, want your attention, want 'some' attention, etc. It has little to do with them missing us at all, as wonderful human beings. Yes, they sense we are good people, but they use people, so whatever they need at the time, they will hoover to get it. Until the next 'hit' (girl) comes along.
Stay close to this site, and read read read and educate yourself on this disorder. And work on you. Much of our healing lies within why we accepted such bad treatment from another person.
Hugs! You can do this.
I really need to get off constant FB anyway :)
August 23, 2012 - 9:56am — larluI swear, though, he IS the reason I became so obsessed with FB and my phone anyway. As NC progresses, surely, my laboratory-rat brain will get used to no-more-cheese when the light flickers...I'm hoping!
Alternatives
August 23, 2012 - 9:33am — GracefullyFree"the only way to move forward is THROUGH the wall, and that f*cking hurts."
It totally beats the alternative
Which GUARANTEES the pain continues
It's a fallacy to believe there isn't pain in EITHER direction
This pain is short lived and passes eventually
Remaining or returning to an N ensures the pain continues and WORSENS indefinitely
Deleting Apps
August 23, 2012 - 9:18am — GracefullyFreeWelcome!
It's tough! Especially in the beginning.
You know, you can delete those apps from your iPhone. You CAN even...take a Facebook break entirely.
Posting & reading here instead of contacting the Narc is a GREAT strategy.
As for sharing your story, we all have felt some sense of shame, guilt, or remorse in one way or another about what happened. There's no judgment here. What happened happened. We're here for you, to help in healing and moving on.
Glad you're here.
Stick close.
Grace
I think I WILL delete the FB app...
August 23, 2012 - 9:33am — larluFor WWF, I am trying a different strategy: I got seven people to play a game with me (I used to just play him. It was "us").
So I am desensitizing myself to the sound of the alert...the same sound that used to alert me to "him" is now seven other people, not one of whom is him :D
I still feel the little tiny inner leap of excitement at the alert, but I think it's diminishing.
NC
August 23, 2012 - 8:44am — talktothehandAlso new but have been NC for several months. I totally understand about the 'crack hit'and the addiction.
Delete his number, block him on FB and any other methods of communication you have been using. Cut him off. It's the only way to take control and the only way to break the cycle and move forward...otherwise you are inviting him to continue mistreating you.
I have done those things...I am NC...
August 23, 2012 - 9:40am — larluCongratulations on the NC for this long!
I have also erased his saved phone messages, got rid of his photos...
He used to text me morning photos of coffee in a cup with a heart on it, and say "I made you coffee Baby"...I know, barf, right!?
Well done
August 23, 2012 - 10:29am — talktothehandGood for you. It's brutal isn't it.
Actually it's much easier if he is into the silent treatment and not contacting you.
He sent you photos saying he made you coffee like mine used to pretend we were eating toast together, it's a faux intimacy, they are painting a picture of some sort of domestic bliss together.Ugh.
Thank you so much you guys!
August 23, 2012 - 8:42am — larluIt really helps that I can come on here and express how I feel and to have all of you understand :) I have been reading everyone's posts obsessively!
I'm a bit hesitant to post my story because I am married and my narc is married, and I don't want to offend anybody's values or be judged harshly for have an (emotional) affair.
Married also
August 24, 2012 - 12:59am — BeeckyDLarlu,
I am married also...My Narc was , too....
It happens...they are everything at the beginning....I understand....
You will find very little judgement on this site...
Rebecca
larlu, I am sure you have
August 23, 2012 - 8:52am — spinningnoticed that we have members who are married and became involved with a narcissist, and single members who were preyed upon by a married narcissist. You are not alone!
We do not tolerate judgment, harsh language or abuse of members here and we strive to make this a safe environment for honest sharing and honest support. If you've been reading, then you know we do not enable, however, and often the truth can sometimes sting but if you truly want to learn and grow, you will take the advice and information that resonates with you and leave what does not.
You are honest in the above post and that is a good thing. To get help, learn and grow, honesty with ourselves first and foremost is key. We are here to help and empower those who truly want to be free of the disordered experience.
Getting it out is an important step. Get it out however you choose whenever you choose. It will be okay.
Love,
(not) spinning. AND SO VERY GRATEFUL FOR THAT!
Thank you!
August 23, 2012 - 10:27am — larluI so much appreciate the support :)
larlu
August 23, 2012 - 8:50am — UsedYou wont be JUDGED at all....
We are here to HELP members get away from them and stay away from then......everybody has got HISTORY....
If we were JUDGEMENTAL ....THEN THIS GREAT FORUM WOULDNT EXIST....
WELCOME AND CONGRATULATIONS FOR FINDING US....
Thank you used!
August 23, 2012 - 10:28am — larluI am grateful for this forum!
Hi, larlu...and welcome
August 23, 2012 - 8:29am — spinningto the forum. Good for you for CHOOSING YOURSELF over chaos, destruction and abuse. Good for you for REJECTING poor treatment.
Here's a good read for you at the moment. Keep this handy and re-read it whenever you think breaking No Contact will somehow make you feel better. It won't. Contact = pain. Period.
You are changing the script of your life and ridding yourself of an old pattern that does not serve you well. It's a process. It's work. It's tough, but it's so worth it. I'm on the other side and life is way, way way better than I ever dreamed it could be even a mere year ago. Trust the process. Trust yourself. Stick here. The steps work if you work them. Read Lisa's book--it's all right there.
Here's some food for thought about breaking NC
http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2012/04/18/thinking-breaking-nc
Stay strong. You will be so happy you did.
Love,
(not) spinning. NO WAY. NEVER EVER AGAIN
Great thread, spinning!
August 23, 2012 - 8:43am — larluThat is indeed very helpful emotionally to read. Thank you!
I feel ya
August 23, 2012 - 8:19am — jdubb1980I too feel this constant need or desire to want to communicate somehow. But then I ask myself why??? My narc only wanted me to want and desire him. In the beginning he adored me and told me all these wonderful things. No one has ever said to me. Which is why I felt so special. But he says the same thing to all his targets. I wasn't and I am not special to him. I have to keep that in mind. that everytime I want to text, call or email him that he is probably doing that with other woman. After all he needs his "supply".
Stay strong girl!!! I am on day 2 now! :)
Asking yourself
August 23, 2012 - 8:48am — larluThat is so hard! Here's a bit of a song for you, by Aimee Mann, "End of the Telescope:
"And in time, I could only believe in one thing
the sky was just phosphourus stars hung on strings
and you swore that they'd always be mine
when you can pull them down anytime
I know it don't make a difference to you
but oh, it sure made a difference to me
You'll see me off in the distance, I hope
at the other end
at the other end of the telescope"
We can do this :)
I understand.
August 23, 2012 - 8:17am — kollontai77I used to have a great time with him and his friends on facebook, funny comments, stuffing around, liking each others photos and artwork. It feels so empty and lonely without them. I should have broken away months ago, but the fun times on facebook kept me hooked in as a "friend".....
I've quit facebook altogether, just waiting for the 14 days to be up, as it's just too easy to stalk his profile and feel sad that we no longer talk.
I've become obsessed with reading about narcissism to help, it's still a connection with him (indirectly) but it is helping me with education and insight into how diseased the guy was. Maybe try that? Also talking on here helps. Spending time with family and real friends.
I'm also going to pare down technology. I've just ordered a John's phone (nothing except phone calls, no SMS even). No facebook. Noone in future will string me along using technology! It's face to face/ phone calls or it's Nothing! No lazy communication!
You are being very strong
August 23, 2012 - 8:53am — larluSee, now that's amazing, because you are sort of working on two addictions; your narc, and your tech :D You are so right about the need to spend time with people in real-time, not tech-time.
I think I became much more obsessed with my tech because of my narc in the first place, so maybe the NC will help with my tech reliance, also.
Start reading
August 23, 2012 - 8:12am — Very happy girlWelcome! I am new too!
Keep reading, keep replying too others, keep trying to help others! :)
I am ten days NC and I had/have been a habitual nc breaker.
Read the success stories when you feel strong.
Read the horror stories when you get the urge to break
Read the personal stories "share your story" when you doubt yourself or you feel alone.
But just stay here! It helps!!!!!!
Best of everything to you!
Very happy girl
Yay for Day 10!
August 23, 2012 - 8:58am — larluI'm proud of you!
I have been reading everyone's stories obsessively. Sometimes they help tremendously. But sometimes my brain starts "comparing" my story, and saying "Oh, but he wasn't that bad, he didn't degrade you verbally, he never said cruel things, et al."
But none of this matters. It's the same story. Narc is a spectrum, and mine just uses extreme flattery/love and silence/withdrawing to reward and punish me.
It's demented. *sigh*
Silent treatment
August 23, 2012 - 9:18am — talktothehandSilence is a particularly vile method of punishment/control.
The methods may be different but the result is the same.