Yesterday many of us responded to a post from a very confused member, who was worried that she may have misjudged a complete jerk by calling him a N, and she wondered "what if he's not" and she completely excused his vile behavior, and made up excuses to forgive him for all of it because she really liked "being up on that pedastal". This post had it all, Denial, Cognitive Dissonance, Self-blame, Obligatory Sex, thinking a relationship would evolve if sex was provided, unrealistic expectations.
I was frustrated on two levels with this post. First, I just wonder why someone who comes on this forum doesn't READ, READ, READ and find the answers to so many of the questions that she had in this post. It's the difference between being given a fish and learning to fish. One meal vs being able to feed yourself for life. There is no easy way to get better, no fast track to a better life. It takes time and effort and endurance. Second, I despair that we don't seem to learn from our past behaviors, and we are not passing along any wisdom to the younger women in our lives. I read an article about high school girls, most of them have been having some type of sex since their early teens. Some of them think they still have not had sex because they have avoided vaginal penetration, but are regularly giving away oral and anal sex, and hand jobs, because "if I don't do it, he will just get another girlfriend who will." Many admitted they didn't even enjoy the activity, but they felt obligated to provide it, "to have a relationship."
I don't want to see us go back to the way things were when I was a young teen, but this type of attitude is ridiculous. It ignores the risk of STD's, and it ignores the objectification of women. If we supply our body parts to be used and ogled by men who feel absolutely no responsibility for their actions, and actually feel entitled to use us this way and then discard us, we are helping men look at us as interchangeable OW. We have to value our selves if we expect men to value us. We have to learn to help and respect each other enough not to "compete" with OW for these clods. It just makes me so sad -- worse than the N ever made me feel -- because I wonder if there is any hope for any of us.
I did take heart though, as I read through the comments on the post from the others on this site. We have so many awesome women on this site, compassionate, smart, and savy. If we can all just keep on passing on the lessons we have learned, the wisdom we have paid for with our blood, sweat and tears, maybe we CAN help someone else to see the light. I hope so. I would really like to have a granddaughter one day, and I would love to be able to hear her tell some jerk to take a hike, that she didn't need to listen to one more lie rolling off his lips. I think if that could happen, I would die with a smile on my face. Keep up the good work, and fight on. The battle is not even half won!