"Some of them think they still have not had sex because they have avoided vaginal penetration, but are regularly giving away oral and anal sex, and hand jobs, because "if I don't do it, he will just get another girlfriend who will."

You know, not to get political, but A LOT of this WOULD NEVER happen, if they taught MORE than just ABSTINENCE ONLY education in so many schools. For those that do not have the benefit of parents taking an ACTIVE ROLE in their lives, to TEACH them such things, having this kind of education in place, in schools, is necessary to prevent TEENAGE PREGNANCY, UNDERAGE SEX, AND STD'S. Without it, you get all of these crazy myths popping up, and wtf do you know, as a teenager? In one ear, out the other. Let me tell you, at 16, "Don't do it until you're married, or Jesus will be mad." was NOT ENOUGH to keep me from experimenting. Thankfully, I already knew about condoms, birth control, etc, because I HAD SEX ED in school. That's the first thing.

The person you're talking about, I think, will be just fine. Ultimately, she'll learn from the experience. It's just going to be a harder road, which is what it takes for some of us. From what I read, the guy told her upfront what he wanted. It was just a matter of her understanding that for most guys sex does not=LOVE. You're not going to pull love out of sex. Add to it, the fact that the guy probably could see she was a little insecure, etc, and all he had to do was send flowers, and work on her vulnerabilities, and there you go! End of story. It's too bad that we have to learn self-respect and self-esteem via situations like these, because we had people at home who cared even LESS about us than some of these assholes did. So, what do you do? All you can do, is pass on what you know, and hope something sticks. She'll be just fine.

Portia, I completely agree with you in regard to both of your points and thank you for addressing them. Although we all have fallen into the hands and abuse of a narc/psychopath, we each need to take responsibility on our path forward. There is certainly no magical quick fix like there was when we were lured into these toxic relationships. One needs to  to decide to make the commitment to themselves, for themselves. We all have choices to make including during our recovery. This forum, both with dedicated moderators and the insight from the members, is a generous gift to us but we should never expect someone else to do the work for us.

Your second point deserves equal recognition and I feel it is strongly tied to why some of us have landed here on the forum. I feel the the lack of appropriate boundaries that we should have developed in childhood was  somehow compromised.  Some of us suffered severe physical, sexual or emotional abuse. Some of us may  have even been subtly manipulated but  the end result is the same.  Any abuse, no matter how severe or mild, is an insult to ones personal integrity. 

Children are natural pleasers and know instinctively not to fight  or resist something that will hurt them. Sexual, physical or emotional abuse as a child results in both self doubt and a longing to be accepted, even if it means doing or allowing  something we aren't comfortable with. This lack of boundaries, from self doubt can easily translate to a eagerness to please, even if the result is detrimental.

This, coupled with today's pressures on teenagers in world of vanity and physical beauty further complicates this issue. Our culture breeds narcissism, in the most generic way the word is used. We  need to be excellent role models for young woman and to let them know, at a young age the importance and  power of their own voices. We need to help them beat the stereotypes of society to be the most popular, beautiful and sexy girls. We need to lead by example and demonstrate they should command respect for who they are as a person and for what they believe in. 

Thanks again, Portia. I want my daughters to know and demonstrate their voices, to stand up for what they believe in and most importantly, be true to themselves.

Stay true to you!
Janie

AMAZING AND TRUE POST....
I have Grandaughters and the wrong message's are beign sent out to young/girls/ women That its Ok to do certain things....ITS NOT OK....
To even fight to be with ONE OF THESE LOWLIFES, Depresses's the hell out of me......
even rhianna, crying saying she lost the BEST FRIEND SHE EVER HAD...HUH.....He hit her!!!!!!!!!!!!and she says this......wrong messages going out there all the time......