I just feel so stupid. I talked to my psychologist yesterday and she explained that it is a process and that I am expecting too much too soon. That I HAVE to go through this pain to come through to the other side.
I trust what she says is true, but I just feel so had! Like I look back and now I can see all the little signs that something was wrong with this guy. Still I thought it was nothing and happily moved along. So in love. So happy. Believing this A hole when he talked about being the love of his life. I believed that crap and I'm a smart girl. How did I fall for that?
How can I trust myself that I won't do it again?!
I lost faith in ME. Yes ok he's screwed up and can never love me - but why didn't I see that when all the signs were there?!
I mean this guy has had more relationships that i can count and he is in his early 30's. Why didn't I think - OK, he probably has issues. It was always the womans fault. Oh Bethany- she was crazy, she was clingy, that one was mean, that one cheated, that one wanted to use me, that one (insert excuse here).
I'm trying to hang on. But it hurts. It hurts for what HE did, but is also hurts bc of what I did. I put myself in that position.
Now he is with her. And yeah, I know its wrong, but i compare myself to her. She is a friggin gorgeous 20 something year old bombshell and he is probably making her feel the way he made me feel - just so amazing. How could he just do that? Just drop me without warning, like i meant nothing?
Process of healing -- ugh, I get it but D*** it, it's so hard, esp since I get to see that he really is having a blast and not having a single day of sadness. How is this FAIR?!!