scorpia22's story

scorpia22's story

12 years ago i was recovering from an amicable divorce yet feeling lonely.
met a great guy through church, he was still married at the time but his marriage had been bad for years.
our two kids, ages 15 at the time, started dating. with parent taxi duty we saw more of each other. fast forward a bit, he has separated, we are seeing each other, he has an apartment, but can't shoulder the rent so after a year moved in with me (big house in the country). we both have shared custody of our kids, different days but alway together on Thursdays -- that was family dinner night.

While the kids were still in school and going to college (two older and two younger between us), we had them as a common goal, being parents part of the time and being kidless part of the time. we had lots of fun, time to be with each other. he is intensely addicted to exercise, body building, and "looking good". i became a gym rat too, lost weight and became pretty babe-licious during this time. had a bit of a rough patch with my menopause, i had to go on antidepressants off and on. but we got through that. (around 2003-04 or so)

we married in 2007. this followed a depression that he experienced in 2006 after retiring from his state job after 27 years and the new company he was involved with going bust. his dad also died in 2006. so he was feeling vulnerable when he finally decided in late 2006 we should get married.

marriage was fine, no real change in our relationship due to that.
then a couple things happened that made it all start going south.
1. two older kids done with college in 2007. two younger kids now in college. we are alone together in house.
2. in late 2008 my company was acquired and i started getting leaned on harder, with longer hours. this got worse and worse until the present day, when i was frequently working 12-13 hours days (including an hour commute each way). my salary is two times larger than his -- he has only state pension to count on; his other income is sales -- commissions only. he wasnt selling much. so it is clear in this relationship that protecting my salary is important -- hence, the need to do whatever it takes to stay in the job.
3. in 2009 we bought our dream home. affordable and walking distance to the beach and boardwalk. he is avid surfer, sailor. Now we're talkin!!! exactly where he wants to be! but my commute is increased by 10 minutes.

we became two ships in the night - i would get home late, want to relax with the newspaper, have a few glasses of wine (he did too). he would be at the computer. possibly we'd watch something on tv, but by 10 pm he was tired and going to bed. we never did anything together anymore. i gained weight due to the stress and lack of time to exercise. i was very depressed at the end of 2010. started exercising again and lost 20 pounds in 2011. not much notice from him, a little halfhearted praise. but felt better, for me, although i still felt like i was doing it to earn his approval back.

During this time he lost another job and fell into a bad depression. he was drinking at all hours of the day (even mornings) and overly reliant on ambien and other sleep drugs. he took a multitude of pills one night; when i asked why, he said he just wanted the pain to go away. spent a week or two at psych/rehab ward. after fnding the right antidepressant he got better quickly, back on his game with a new company. however, still no sales and no income. had a falling out with that company (the office admin whom he ADORED when starting the job ended up being a bitch, c*nt, piece of sh*t). he has also done this with others, people he adored at first but later despised after they "crossed" him.

i was very stressed at work with the long hours and constant pressure, began having a drink or two on the way home. i freely admit this was very bad thing to be doing, but it was definitely self-medicating. this really bothered him, he mentioned it to me several times that what i was doing was "stupid" and disgusting. but never once did he sit down and ask me in kindness, how i was feeling, what he could do to help, etc. in fact one time i remember sitting in a pizza joint, i started crying about the work pressure, but did he lean over and gently put his hand on mine and say reassuring, empathetic words? no, just a hard look with some comment about the fact that one of my bosses had it out for me and i better be careful. another time we arrived separately at a dinner party, i arriving later than he, yet when i walked in the door absolutely no acknowledgement of my presence, hi honey how are you, etc. i ALWAYS had to approach him and initiate contact.

i feel that i had become something distatsteful but necessary in his life.

oh we still had sex very regularly. but the quality went way down. it was rote and primarily centered on him getting off as soon as possible. no afterglow or feeling of intimacy after. towards the end he didn't even stay in the room after he got his -- walked right out while i was still finishing up!!!!

earlier this year one of the projects he became involved with was helping set up his 40th HS reunion. i thought this so unlike him, he never participates in the grunt work for something, just shows up for the fun part (he even had gotten into the habit of insisting i go off to church myself, while he went to the gym and showed up later for coffee hour -- where he sees the whole congregation as a big sales opportunity to "work"). so i deduced that the Reunion meant something special to him this time. he was planning this reunion as his COMING-OUT PARTY!!!! When a week before i asked about the tickets, he said i wasn't going. everybody's going stag, he said. he mentioned several friends who were indeed going stag for various reasons.

he left for the reunion. i felt abanoned but was not going to let it get to me -- i'd go see a movie. however my car was in the shop and although he had ridden his bike to the reunion, had inadvertently taken the car keys with him. i was trapped, decided to take a bike ride and sad to say, found myself at the reunion venue were i sat in a corner where i could see most of the party room and watched him as he was having one helluva good time. dancing up a storm with everyone and apparently spending most of his attention on one of his blonde classmates.

i left unobserved and went to bed but could not sleep. the reunion ended at 11 but he came home at 2 am.
nothing special the next day, our usual separate trip to church and other stuff.
Monday morning i checked facebook and lo and behold he had changed his status from "married" to "it's complicated." my stomach is churning even now as i remember that moment. (this change was made at 8:45 pm Sunday. at that moment i was probably sitting in the same room with him, enjoying the Sunday paper, while he was on the computer and texting on his phone.) i called him immediately and asked WTF? he said "never mind, it doesn't mean anything".
the twist of the knife was that the best friend of the woman he'd been dancing with all night clicked "Like" on the status change. My God, how inhuman.

that night he sat us down and delivered the talk. he said he was DONE. he wanted to find happiness with "someone more like me." we are polar opposites, he is an extrovert (ENFP) and i am introvert (ISTJ). we used to joke and brag to others, that we were so opposite yet got along so well.

i agreed with him, there was nothing good left in our marriage -- even so, i had tried to make a counseling appointment in the last few weeks but he hadn't been interested. during this talk i accepted the fact that the marriage was over, but i told him i wasn't ready to envision what our next steps would be. divorce might be down the road, but for right now, he was proposing to move into a rental place with a couple of his business associates (who -- a whole nother story here -- had been staying as house guests for the previous 10 days because they had been kicked out of the place where they were squatting; of course i was not consulted on this, i was just informed by telephone while at work one day that they would be moving in with us temporarily). he assured me that the C.O. for the place would be ready by Thursday so i just had to wait till then when i would have the house to myself. he said there would be no goodbye sex. we slept in the same bed that night and for two subsequent nights. the first night i clung to him all night long and even tried to use his morning woody against him so to speak, but he stuck to his guns and there was no sex. the other two nights we slept without touching. i was devastated to think that the last time we had had sex, it was the last time, but i didnt know it at the time.

Thursday, the promised moving out day, i learned there would be no CO. The inspection was rescheduled for Tuesday. on Friday morning, i packed some clothes and toiletries and left for work, i would not be coming back to the house until he and his buddies were out. My sister, who lived a few towns over, had offered a bed and i gratefully took her up on it.

Tuesday, again, CO inspection failed. "we are furiously working to get the house up to code", he texted. i asked for updates every day. i had planned to take that Friday off to prepare stuff for a city-wide yard sale -- lots of stuff to get rid of and this would be my first concrete step to ending the marriage. But since he was still in the house, went in to work instead of taking the day off.

i get a call that morning, "when will you be here, i need to talk to you. i'm feeling bad and i need to talk to you. maybe we can work things out, try again." i said i had a lot of work to do and wouldnt be leaving work till after 2, but i would meet with him to "talk". i got there and he met me at the house. we sat outside and he told me that four days after i left he felt a sudden onset of depression and went to the doctor for antidepressants. "i guess i can't get along without you", and wanted a hug.

we continued to talk. i said i was tired of twisting myself into a pretzel to please him, i wanted to be able to be me. as soon as i said that, he seemd to use that as the "all-ok" signal that yes, i didn't want to get back together, and the second part of the conversation could begin, the one where he got me to agree to the outcomes that he wanted to see. he said "of course you want to move up to be closer to your job, your job is important to you." now, he no longer wanted to move into the rental place with the buddies, they were making him crazy; instead he wanted to stay in the house. i would get the front bedroom and he would move his things into the middle bedroom. this would go on until i got my shit together and moved out myself!!! when i did that, he would get a roommate so as to help pay for the apartment i was planning on getting. i ended the conversation with, i'll have to think about this.

the next day, on Saturday, i texted him that i believed he should stick by his original promise/plan to move out. if the original site wasn't suitable, he'd have to find a different one. i did not receive a reply.

today, we talked again after church. i was firm that i did not want to be in the house with him, and that his failure to have a Plan B should not change my returning to the house. He said no, he had nowhere else to go, and that it would work out fine. i was totally flummoxed by the fact that i said no you can't stay, it's impossible, and he would not accept that -- and i had absolutely no way to make him do what i wanted. i could not make him leave. he lightened up the conversation by chuckling about our incompatibilities, recalling better times, and making me laugh at least once. i concluded the conversation by saying that i would have to think about this.

so this is where i am. tomorrow, Monday the 20th, his buddies will be moving out of our marital home into their rental. hubby and i will be living together but leading separate lives. he says he will be "respectful and unobtrusive", coming there only to sleep (yeah right -- his desk, work files, computer, guitar, etc are all there. he will be in the house all day in and out as he pleases, while i am 50 miles away at work from 7 am to 7 pm).
i believe that the "respectful and unobtrusive" reference is meant as some magnanimous effort to not expose me to his new lady. i know he is seeing the woman he spent all evening with at the reunion, as well as possibly others.

i need guidance on the following specifically.
why did i think i could hold sway and get my way? am i really that stupid, gullible, naive? he is currently in the house and cannot be forcibly ejected. this leaves me no choice but to accede to his plan, OR absent myself -- exactly what he would dearly like to happen! so he can fuck his lady to his heart's content in our bed, and push me out into the cold.

what did i do wrong? what do i do now?

how do i get free of this man with my dignity intact?
i do not wish to escalate this into a war by changing the locks or something like that. i still need his cooperation in ultimately, working out a divorce.

when i look at this, part of me wants to be rational and look only to getting a positive outcome for myself -- focus on deciding where i want to be, do i really want to move closer to my job? and roll with the suboptimal plan as long as i can get a good result for myself, the heck with him, dont think about him, he's over and done.

but there is a shamefully large piece of me that wants revenge and a ruthless lawyer.

Please, help me see what to do.