I've been reading on this sight for what seems like forever. This is my first time posting. I struggled with NC in the worst way and had been so caught up in his smoke n mirrors jargon and cog/dis that I couldn't even tell the difference between the truth and reality of things anymore. I lost track of alot of my friends, do not have much of a social life or basically anything that brings me any feeling of pleasure or happiness in my life because I have been so consumed with him and what is going on with us...I have been obsessed with trying to make thinks work or just trying to pretend I didn't care..
. And than finally this seed of thought was planted and it grew into helping me get to where I am today...

I am 6 days NC. I changed my number and I know, like I know that the only way I could salvage any clarity is to break him off. I have to fight for my happiness. I have to go to war with this wool that i wear so heavily over my eyes. I having been living in denial for the longest time and it was this site that has been this little voice in my head screaming to be noticed... I didn't want to deal with the pain that it was and always has been a lie. But even while living in denial, I read, read, read this site almost daily.. My relationship was being told by all these women on this site almost verbatim!. Everything that women on this site have gone through, I've gone through it to and it freaked me out to read posts that described my living hell so detailed and so very similar to mine, and it hurt to accept that his man was an impostor, a fraud and sadly but truly mentally sick!..so lliving in denial was easier than acknowledging I was in love with a zombie, a pscho, narcrobot, just playing the game and I was just a pawn... I couldn't accept this fact. It hurt to much.

A few months ago I was tryin to explain to a friend how it's hard to break away from him... She didn't understand how it was that complicated. She just thought I should tell him that it was over, he would than accept it and go away.... I came up with this example to relay the sort of craziness I was dealing with while trying to breakup with a man like this... And the way I was able to randomly describle and explain what I was dealing with was the exact seed I planted in my head that I thought of daily until it just clicked... He's not real. Nothing about him is real. It bazaar, but true. Everything about him is fake.

So here is my seed for thought.

In the-movie the exorcist,
where the priest is trying to exercise the demon from Linda Blair and the priest is making some headway and the demon is getting weak.. The demon than fights back at the priest by presenting himself as the priests' illing/dying mother in life form begging the priest to help her. Which than screwed with the priest willpower to exercise the demon to where he lost clarity of the situation and the demon got over on the priest.. (cog/dis, gaslighting)

Anyway I used this as an example to describe to my friend what it is like trying to get away from him. I told her its like once I try to exercise him and his pathology out of my life he presents himself or puts on this mask of his fake self just to weaken me or place doubt within me just to keep me hookd and to keep drinking his kool-aide, to simply suck me back into his web. I told her its almost the same as when the priest was tryin to exercise the demon, just a different mindfuck game. It's like everything I grow strong to get the hell a running, he morphs into the "illing/dying mother" role. And the more I replayed that part of the movie and associated it to the many times I watchd him go from dr. Jekyll to mr. Hyde... The more I woke up from my narc comma...

Its a slow crawl, but I'm getting there. I witness him change masks as its happening. I see the moves as they are being played on me now because I'm starting to see him through different glasses. And even though I am starting to see him as disturbed and disordered. It's still rips my heart out. I still crave his fake illusion to come back. Sometimes I feel like I am morning a loved ones death...

Cognitive dissonance, gaslighting, manipulation, doubt, lies, smoke n mirrors...... Nothing real, it's just an illusion.

I know 6 days isn't much but it's recording breaking for me. I changed my number and it is actually making this hole process of detoxing myself from him easier because I know he can't hurt me, well at least through the phone... No more nonsense texts to obsess over, no more checking my phone throughout the day, or goin to sleep wondering if he will wake me up with a call... It's silent. It took mr forever to jump off the cliff and change my number and go no contact but jeez it friggin work.

I know he will oneday come back. He really is the Hoover master!. I just hope I will remember to see him for the demon he is and not the illing dying mother...

This site has been my lighthouse thought the darkest storm for me. I am very thankful I found this site !..NC I know will save my life. It's the process of getting there and the maintance that's hard and this site keeps me focused and supported...