His treatment of the kids and grandkids

His treatment of the kids and grandkids
Posted August 18, 2012 - 9:30am
0

Has anyone had to deal with the N almost forgetting that he has children and grandchildren? When we were together he saw them several times a week. He left almost 3 yrs ago. In the beginning he was dropping in on them a few times a week for a quick 20 minute or so visit. He would mostly just speak "I and me" the entire time he was there. The children are not acceptive of his new life and often speak their feelings to him. He is with "the love of his life" (#4 since he left) who has children younger than his grandchildren. They voiced their embarassment and disgust to him. He has stopped contacting them and has not seen the grandchildren for 3 months. They say they are glad because he is so selfish and immoral but they are also so very sad that he has just thrown them away. I am mad and sad about it all. Has anyone else had to deal with this and how do you get through it? He is cosidered an upstanding man in the community. That too is hard for the family to accept. Do they even see how he has thrown his family away? They accept that? We don't get it.

‹ Acceptance For Real..... ›
TruthbeginsToday's picture

Yes, I've been through this

August 20, 2012 - 2:44pm — TruthbeginsToday

My son was 23 when I divorced my N/P. He was 20 when we separated.

My son was the N/P's son for over 20 years. The N/P tried desperately to cause my son to be the bad guy so that HE could blame my son for never seeing him again. My son did not bite...we knew the game. The N/P left anyway and made things up so he could be free. LIES is what he tells. My son is a great young man and is aware of the sickness of the N/P so he doesn't take it so personally.

In fact NOW he chooses to never be anywhere near the N/P again even if he came begging with a million dollars in his pocket.

What you don't realize is...your children are not victims..they are the lucky ones. Do you really want a disordered, lying, manipulative, unreliable man like this in your family's life? TRUST me it just creates chaos and issues in the children. They will follow your lead.Without the N, YOU can have positive influence on them without a fight. BE glad he has moved on. Many here are stuck dealing with the disordered and their negative influence on the children.

I'm sure HE is telling lies to give reason for him not being included in the kids lives...but YOU KNOW the truth and that's all that matters.

Live well and teach the kids to do the same.

my 2 cents,

Truth

Bruisednotbroken's picture

Yes!

August 21, 2012 - 7:34am — Bruisednotbroken

I agree 110 percent! I am so thankful I found this forum. Before I learned about NPD, I had joined a few online single mom support groups and heaven forbid I ever said how I'm glad the loser isn't in my son's life! I'd get responses such as "what kind of mother are you?! He needs a father in his life! How do you think your son is going to feel towards you for saying you didn't want him to have a father in his life?! He is going to resent you one day!" ugh.. I can go on and on. I feel as though maybe 95% of these single moms are dealing with a co-parent that is NOT mentally disordered! They have no idea of the neglect and verbal abuse this loser subjected my child to for the first 6 months of his life.

As Lisa stated in her book, something along the lines of "you never know how to deal with a narcissist unless you have dealt with one yourself." So true!

Bobbie's picture

I do not want them to go

August 20, 2012 - 10:23am — Bobbie

I do not want them to go through their lives without their dad and papa. I still pray for the day that he may realize how much they need and want him in their lives. It's just so very heartbreaking for so many people. After 3 years I still cannot believe this is our lives now and that he has turned everyone's world upside down. What an empty man he must be. I could have never predicted this from him.

alarmbelle's picture

3 yrs on still ignoring our daughters

August 19, 2012 - 3:47pm — alarmbelle

My NX has not bothered with our girls in over 3 yrs, not 1xmas card, birthday acknowledement or even a phone call to check how they are. It is so hard to bear because his new woman has 2 children of her own not his. He has been seen out & about with them, taking them to school etc. He is the most unchild friendly person I know, he refuses point blank to have any contact at all with our daughters, even drives past tooting his horn if he sees us. To top it all he & new woman have had another baby. I struggle daily to understand this. Why on earth he has done this is way beyond me. How much of a sham is this. I have accepted this but will never ever undetstand the depths he will go to & why.

Bruisednotbroken's picture

I'm kinda in the same boat.

August 19, 2012 - 8:08pm — Bruisednotbroken

I'm kinda in the same boat. XN hasn't seen our son since November 2010 when he was 11 months old. He moved 11 hours away to another state to live with his girlfriend. A few months ago, I saw the picture he posted on facebook of him and his girlfriend holding up ultrasound pictures of their baby, my heart sank through my chest. How can he be grinning from ear to ear, pretending to be a "proud new daddy" when he hasn't even acknowledged our son for almost 2 full years? How is my son going to feel if he ever finds out that his dad couldn't pick up the phone and call him to see how he was doing once in a while, or send a birthday card, or wish him a merry christmas, or even just want to spend time with him, yet he went off to have another baby and is very "excited" about it? She is actually due to give birth about 2 weeks after our son's third birthday.

Agnes was spot on when she said " He was extracting what was useful to him."

He doesn't "love" these children any more than he "loves" yours and that is not because they are not worthy of being loved, but because he, along with all other psychopaths, are TOTALLY INCAPABLE of loving, though they love to put on a great performance. It is all about using his image to get what he wants from others. When he is done using this woman or she can't deal with him anymore, he will be honking at her and her children (including the one they share together) when he passes them as well. It seems that they live their lives around the saying "out with the old, in with the new." Unless they see something that can benefit them, then they'll go back to the old, temporarily.

alarmbelle's picture

I feel your pain

August 19, 2012 - 11:34pm — alarmbelle

It beats me how they can do it. I really try so hard but can't help wondering if he EVER gives them a 2nd thought. Does he deep down wonder how they are. Obviously not. My family think he ignores our kids to get back at me for leaving him, maybe so. How disgusting & selfish.

Bruisednotbroken's picture

Oh, believe me, I drove

August 20, 2012 - 7:38am — Bruisednotbroken

Oh, believe me, I drove myself crazy trying to rationalize why he could be taking it out on our son because I left him. Now that I have learned about NPD, I can easily say that he will treat every person, even his own child, like objects for the rest of his life. He will NEVER truly "bond" with anyone. It still hurts because I have something that he doesn't have, empathy for our son. I worry about how his behavior might effect our son's self-esteem. A young child will not understand a personality disorder. His girlfriend wrote me an email last November saying "recently [loser] has been making it more known about wanting to see his son." I said "RECENTLY?? He hasn't seen him since last November and out of 365 days, he has only made TWO attempts! I'm curious to know how often he thinks about his son, much less talks about him!" Her response ws "he talks about him all the time, but has never had the financial means to come see him." He lived 2 miles away for that whole year. I don't see why you have to be loaded with cash to walk 45 minutes to spend time with your child. All I ever wanted him to do is love his son more than he hates me. Oh well, it is his loss. He is the one missing out on a great kid.

Just be the best mom you can be and try not to let his selfishness get the best of you. Kids are smart and if you are their rock, they'll follow your lead. Maybe one day he'll try to come back into their lives and they'll tell him to take a hike. That would be the best revenge!

alarmbelle's picture

I would have had a total break down

August 20, 2012 - 1:37pm — alarmbelle

If it wasn't for finding out about NPD & this forum. It is getting easier but I don't think this feeling of being conned massively & my girls missing out on a decent father will ever go completly. Lately I need this forum more than ever. Maybe because his mom who was the last link rang 2 wks ago after a whole yr of NC.

Bruisednotbroken's picture

Stop right there... He is NOT

August 21, 2012 - 8:03am — Bruisednotbroken

Stop right there... He is NOT a "decent father." By anyone's standard, NO "decent father" behaves this way. Even if he was an outstanding father while the two of you were married, the way he is treating them now cancels that out entirely. I have know men that went through brutally bitter divorces with their ex wives, even ones were the ex wife cheated on them and discarded them, and they never turned their backs on their children because they hated their ex.

I understand how you feel right now. I used to feel as though my son got jipped from having a dad in his life. Since learning about NPD, I now see that my son is not "missing out" on anything. If anything, it is the loser that is missing out on a wonderful little boy, by his own selfish choice.

In both your situation and my own, I also can't help but have pity for his new girlfriend. She must be totally under his spell to be witnessing how he is treating his child(ren) and possibly believe that he will never be this quick to replace her and her children after she is out of the picture. May God help her.

Btw, what type of relationship does he have with his mother? Is she aware of how he is treating the kids? If she is aware of the things he is doing, does she still support him (emotionally, financially, etc.)?

alarmbelle's picture

His mother?????

August 22, 2012 - 4:39am — alarmbelle

Where do I begin? She knows he is no angel but will not accept just how evil & manipulative he is. He puts on an act & lies to her all the time. Only contacts her when he needs cash or sympathy. He is an only child, real dad died when he was 8. Had a step dad who apparantly used to beat him. His mom spoilt him rotten. She idolises her son, her exact words. She is has chosen not to see, speak to or acknowledge her grandaughters in almost 2 yrs but is a full time foster carer. This beggers belief. She maybe a N too.

agnesmurphy17's picture

he doesn't care

August 18, 2012 - 2:41pm — agnesmurphy17

Basically, he really doesn't care about the children, the grand-children, or the 'shared history' that makes a life. Because he was not sharing. He was extracting what was useful to him. Seems that the children have expressed disgust with his present lifestyle. So, they are no longer useful to him because THEY insist one being unpleasant, ie, having thoughts & feelings of their own which do not necessarily include him being the best thing since Wonder Bread.

Maybe it's better that he evaporates?

This is what hurts so much with these narcissists, we have spent our lives & emotions genuinely on them. And it was all for nothing. They could care less. When you're no longer useful, you're tossed aside on the rubbish heap with as much thought as if you were as meaningful as squeezed lemon pulp.

As Adrienne Rich once wrote: "Why does the waste of my love go on this way?"