Drew72's Story

My World is Full of Narcs

I had a 5 month relationship with my exN which ended 5 weeks ago by him discarding me without reason/closure. As far as I could see, it was just another fight about something I had done and I had assumed he would come round after raging at me for a few days. I was shocked at the cold and sudden way he discarded me.

The relationship was a roller coaster ride, typically narcissistic. The idealisation phase was fast and furious, we said we loved each other early on, our relationship was not going to be bound by normal rules, it was different, special. A marriage proposal within weeks. I was so happy and in love. Then as the mask began slipping, him having to have complete control, jealousy, verbal abuse, sometimes physical though he never actually hit me, rages that lasted for days due to something trivial I had said/done, sexual dysfunction, flirting with other women, need for attention etc. As far as I know he didn't cheat but from what I have learned since, maybe he did toward the end. He was also a cocaine addict. He never admitted this and said he didn't do it very often, but after about a month gI always suspected he had a more serious problem as the signs were there. I was in denial about this myself as I didn't want to believe it. I knew one can never have a healthy relationship with a cocaine addict. I adored him, I don't know why because apart from being physically attractive and charismatic, he had nothing else going for him. I was addicted to the roller coaster and to him. I was completely under his spell.

The first few days after the cruel discard I couldn't quite understand what had happened and was in shock, something didn't seem right. My mind struggled to find reasons. I started looking online, found this forum and everything clicked into place. He was a textbook narc and I had been conned and used. I was stunned. I read everything I could on the subject. I also learned that my mother and sister are full blown Ns and I have grown up amongst this chaos and abuse. It is normal to me and explained why I have had 3 other narc rships in the past (and alot of pain). I had always thought that I was bad at rships. One of my best friends is a N. My world is full of Ns. It is my blueprint for rships and one I need to change. 

The first few weeks were tough, the gradual acceptance and understanding that I had been used and that he had never loved me, hurt a lot. I didn't have a problem with NC, the only contact I made was in response to a text from him. I told him I had decided I didn't want to be friends/stay in touch  and Good Luck. I did not want him to know I was in pain or missing him. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction. That was MY discard and I feel proud and strong that I let go pretty much immediately and cut him out. It gave me some power back. It's been nearly 4 weeks NC now.

Since then he texted once last week on my birthday. I wasn't even tempted to reply.  I hate him now, he disgusts me. I guess I'm at that angry stage. I have read a lot on this forum and it has helped me come to terms with what has happened. Thank you members for sharing this. I share the experiences of many of you on here. I would like to give something back and be of contribution to others on this journey of recovery.