When he continued to contact the OW despite claiming she was the worst mistake of his life I tried to understand as his explanation was he had no place for bitterness in his life anymore.
When he txt my best friend on the pretense he was txting me to slag her off I let that slide.....

When the OW said she spent 2 days with him and he told her he was falling for her again round about the same time he asked me to marry him. He denied it called her a liar.

When he opened his friends mail to see how much pension he had been awarded and said he was going to borrow £oos from him and not pay it back That I found was despicable!

When he asked to borrow money from me which he knew I could little afford to take his friends out to a bar and slagged me off to his friend when I asked for the money back.

When I saw several calls logged on his phone from OW almost daily contact and asked him about it He went berserk!

I no longer could stand his LIES LIES LIES .

My mother always said "better a thief than a liar"

How can you trust a liar? impossible!

Then he tells me I have problems with trust!

MIND GAMES MIND GAMES

Hey there,

It's sad but it seems like even when I lost all respect for myself I wasn't blind about how he treated other people. He was always super behaved around my family. After we got married they all came out and he was cold, distant, barely made time for them and I saw it clearer - for what it was. It wasn't the last time that I saw him and I took him back again but it was the catalyst to reading about this disorder and understanding the monster I had married.

...was when his perverted personality came out. Nevermind the 2 months I spent on the couch during the ST before moving out. The perverted bit didn't arise until after I'd moved out and he was hoovering hard. Not only did freakboy insist we go to clubs in order to find a stranger to have sex with both of us (which didn't happen b/c I was "too picky" lol), but not even a week after he got into a relationship, he was over at my house trying to get me in the sack. Enough was enough.

Slow learner and stubborn subscriber to the 'keep my family intact at any cost', I stuck around for way too long and it took him GOING TO EFFING JAIL (theft due to gambling) before I had enough courage to end it with him. I also was the only one who got to see 'the real him' and fought for my sanity most of the many years we were together. The time apart was a Godsend really, and his criminality woke up my family, his family and friends and coworkers to the lies and facade that had us all, well..HAD for years.

Mine wasn't a truly 'brave' break like many of the ones I've read about here. But it was THE break and i hope to have all legalities finalized next year. Unfortunately, he is out now and I have to do LC as we have a son, but I am finding it easier every day. It is a lot of work to not get baited into fights and especially when i get wind that he is bad mouthing me to our son. That is really hard to not react to, but I know that is his crazy making in full force, and going for my emotional jugular.

As far as D&D, even though I ended the marriage, his mental abuse and gas lighting was my regular dose of rejection, and I went back for more for way too long. ALWAYS found it easier to second guess myself, think it was me, rather than entertain the notion that I married and procreated with an ill-willed, selfish, parasitic monster.

Having just had a near miss with another N, post ExNH, I can totally see the benefit of NC when it is an option, and still see how hard it is. Damn it is hard, but it is doable.

This is no fun journey to be sure. But I'd rather be in this anguish - at least it serves a good purpose - than spend any more time in fantasy land or 'it must be something wrong with me' world. At least this pain that comes with awareness is an investment in my future strength, rather than a cheap ticket to further abuse.

NeverEverAgain,
(..I really hope not anyway ;) )

I broke up with my ex last year; but I felt that soon enough, he'd be 'discarding' me.

For me the dealbreaker was verbal abuse. I suffered that as a kid, and his voice, his tone, his words...all brought me back to that fearful and lonely place, when I was a kid.

He also hung up on me a lot, for very minor 'disagreements.' That too, was a dealbreaker.

The night I ended it, he was going on and on and on and on...about something so trivial. How I 'didn't listen,' and how 'you should say you're sorry, dee.' And I didn't say anything. And he started yelling, 'you listening to me, dee???!!!''

I then, said...'I think it's time for this to end, and for us to say goodbye.'

And he bellowed into the phone obsceneities, and hung up on me. Texted me a half hour later, berating me and comparing me to two of his ex wives. (he had 4 lol)

Ah yes...memories. They're so fun to remember post narc-dom! lol

I've asked myself this question, and have come to the conclusion that it was just really everything put together.

The lying, the coldness,the disrespect,constant sourness,argumentativeness reserved for---guess who., playing the devil's advocate all the time with me,UN affectionate, desiring porno but not me, commitment phobic,contant cocain relapses (another whole story even on its own), talking about himself 24/7 (I mean it literally! lol)

Christmas, Valentines, my dad's death....my do they ever like to add sting to everything where they are suppose to be loving! "Let me see, how can I make this about me"......

Anyway, I loved him and it took me a long time to really let go. He would come to my apt now and then when I had asked for space (he knew i was trying to get up the strenth to let go). He didnt fight for me, or beg me to stay....just came and buzzed the apt what ever time he felt like it, usually at a wierd time of night,every couple months or so, if he was coming down from another relapse and wanted to talk. Ide always end up giving in, then being depressed the following days for seeing him.

But the last straw that made me decide never to speak to him or be kind to him again, is when I spotted him in my neighborhood library watching porn. I went up and poked him in the ribs with my umbrella, and told him he had no need to be coming to my small neighborhood of all places. That was in Jan, and I havent got any contact attemps from him since then. I was so angry that day! I knew he was into porno, but there is something about seeing with my own eyes. He's lucky I didnt throw my hot coffee on him! So am I actually:)

if a gun had been nearby. Would I have actually done it...no I'm fairly sure.

Just want to add that I'd taken a personality test during a single visit to a psychologist a few years earlier and my "hostility" rating was an extremely low 2%...the only indicator the counselor felt needed addressing...guess he knew what was in my future. At the time my life was okay so I didn't return. No rage or anger issues with me ever (obvious as I was with a N).

N was being particularly cruel and heartless over nothing...just wanting to show his power and make me feel worthless. I was in the midst of being devalued and dismissed, and feeling humiliated because of the degradation. I was discovering the vastness of his lies and his stable of sugar babies. I'd never heard of NPD at this time. But I was hating myself for allowing the mistreatment.

I can still remember the moment...and I was terrified of that feeling. How could a thought like that ever enter my mind? I've never felt anything remotely close to that before or since.

I didn't go NC at that time...never occurred to me since my previous relationships had ended normally more or less. But, the emotional abuse had led me to a dark scary place and I knew I had to get away from evil.

Xnh had been out of town supposedly to "de-stress" visiting his mommy. I found out later that what he was REALLY doing was screwing OW and his mommy was providing them with a "love nest" because SHE was still very much married as well (along with having two teenaged children of her own to finish raising). When xnh got back into town, he was a huge, cruel jerk to me. He was a total creep. I had done nothing but be friendly to him (including talk to him several times on the phone while he was away - he'd given NO indication that anything was wrong when he'd talked to me).

The morning after he returned home, I had a doctor's appointment 100 miles away in the city, and I had called xnh from my cell phone just trying to talk to him. He was a complete creep to me on the phone still, and he told me that he didn't love me any more and didn't want "to do this any longer" (meaning be married to em) when I told him I loved him. When he told me he didn't love me was the deal breaker. That's when it snapped for me, and I realized that I will NOT remain living any longer in an abusive marriage where my husband didn't even love me. Enough.

At my doctor's appointment, my blood pressure was 154/110 (go figure after talking to xnh). As I left the hospital, I had a truck change lanes, almost driving over top of my car in process, and he ran me into the curb causing a whole bunch of front end damage (the jerk that caused the wreck just drove off and left without a backward glance, of course). After I got my wounded car out of the city, I pulled over into an abandoned gas station parking lot, and had a hysterical, crying fit. Then I drove back to my town, stopped at my lawyer's office to tell him that I was filing divorce papers first thing the next morning, and I got an appointment.

When xnh came home from work that night, I told him that he needed to get serious counseling, or he needed to leave right now. I didn't know about NPD, at the time, but I did know that whatever was the matter with xnh was no little thing. Xnh told me that he wasn't getting any counseling because there is "absolutely nothing wrong with him", and then I told him that he needed to leave. I reminded him of how he'd told me he didn't love me and "didn't want to do this anymore" (aks, he had already dumped me on the phone).

Get a load this crap: In very next sentence after I told xnh that he had to leave, he turned around and asked me how long he could stay in my house with me. I told him 15 minutes max to pack his duffel bag and then he was going or I would call the police. He should consider himself lucky that I was letting him take any underpants or a toothbrush because I wanted him out NOW. On his way out the front door, xnh started whining and crying about "Where was he going to go at 10:30 pm on a Sunday night?". Like I cared, at that point. I told him, "Well, I guess you should have thought of that BEFORE you dumped your wife at 10:30 pm on a Sunday night, huh? I don't really care where you. Go to the Motel 8, go hang off your mommy's tit some more, sleep in your car (but it's NOT going to be on my property), or you can go sleep on the yellow line of the highway, I don't really GIVE a shit. Leave. Now."

However, my actual "deal breaker moment" was xnh telling me that he didn't love me on the phone. He didn't even have the balls to do it in person. We'd been together for 16 years, and married for 8 of those years. He never did admit that he was cheating, even though I had seen pictures of him on Facebook with his hand down OW's shirt while he was kissing her. His mommy was sitting right next to them watching. G-R-O-S-S! I SO glad to have that piece of trash out of my life, and that I'm rid of him. :)

The way xN treated me when I became seriously ill, was hospitalized and had to have emergency surgery.

A normal human being would STEP UP during this time.
xN did the opposite. It was through her abuse and all the physical, emotional and mental stress and exhaustion that put me there, yet she blamed me for it!

After I got out, she was nowhere to be found. I had no other choice.

was pretty much overtly nasty to everyone but me, so I was aware but for some stupid reason had to take it all the way to the point that I felt a negativity aimed my way.

The last night I was with him, it was exactly like when someone has eaten too much and their pants are making them uncomfortable. It was as if he unbuttoned his pants and got relief. In his mind he "had" me, and the mask came off, just like that.

I recognized what was happening and just said I was going home- The end after 12 years of being in constant stress and confusion.

I'm unique in that I was never outwardly mistreated or belittled, not in ANY way. I was his "one and only" and we shared "a single soul" and we'd be "together forever".

Ugh. Then his "estranged" wife found us together in his home and she, graciously, went after HIM, not me, because I learned after 2-1/2 years of being the "only one" that I was just one in a string of OW's and he had used his wife and me in a triangulation, taking advantage of the 100 miles between our two homes. That day, I put all my personal belongings that were in his home in a bag and left. After the hoovering began and he confirmed that he is sick I started NC.

We give advice on this site and many times others say to "fix yourself" before dating others. Because I didn't have the same experiences as many others, I didn't have the shattered self-esteem that some describe here. My heart was busted in a zillion pieces, and it took DAYS to function normally, but I knew from Day 1 that NC was the only way to go to heal from this disaster. A psychologist has helped me see that my trusting nature (and my lack of knowledge about N's) contributed to the N's success in keeping it going so long, but my success at remaining NC successfully, and dating others so quickly afterward, is the lack of abuse and/or belittling from the N. I was cheated on, lied to, and used in a triangulation and THAT hurt me deeply. But I used the distance to MY advantage, blocked him from everything, and confided in my close friends.

I consider the time I invested as a life lesson. And I remain on this board to help others see that they will never change.

My daughter who was 4 at the time started not wanting to go home from school. That went on for a few weeks & he started gettinf so wasted on heaven knows what he was unable to drive home until morning. Stayed on friends sofas. I believe there was no OW then cos he let his appearance go so much. Even my family started commenting. I watched my daughter sleeping one night & thought how can I allow my angel to suffer anymore

But always, always went back. A turning point for me was this one weekend:

We were both out of town, in different cities for the weekend, and we stayed in touch through texts . . . but on this particular Friday night, he wasn't texting back. That kind of thing made me highly suspicious and nervous, knowing that he had serial cheated his way through his first marriage of ten years AND (by his admission) had never managed to be faithful to any woman. Until me. Right.

When I questioned him about why he wasn't texting back, he got PISSED. And so defensive. He was talking to "Joe." Right.

Two nights later, once we were both back in town, I met him at the airport and he spent 2 hours in my car that night telling me how "abusive" and "untrusting" and horrible I was for not trusting him because, in his words, "I should leave the past in the past."

I apologized and groveled and begged for forgiveness for 3 days. Finally, on the 4th day, it clicked. I would never trust him. He would never treat me well. He would always get pissed if I EVER questioned his faithfulness to me. And that meant that I would have to let him do whatever he wanted without questioning, or he'd get emotionally abusive.

I didn't quite go NC at that time, but I shut down and he knew at that point that I was finally willing to walk away. He tried to play the "I love you so much" card at first, but then I think he realized I was done. So he up and disappeared.

Discarded like an old shoe. Bastard.

The affair she started. The lying, cheating, projection, and throwing it all in my face and trying to convince whoever would listen that her cheating was my fault. Variations of that theme played heavily in our relationship for years, but this one went beyond any capability I possessed of working it out.

I do feel lucky to be out now, but that wasn't the case at the beginning. She isn't that important anymore...days can go by without me thinking of her a bit, and its been at least a couple of months since I can remember getting mad at her...and it was a custody thing.

ds