People who stay married long after its over

People who stay married long after its over
Posted August 12, 2012 - 10:07am
0

ok, I can see why an n would want to stay married long after its over cause he wants to keep owning his wife forever plus divorce would make him look bad. I can think of financial reasons, supply reasons and social reasons for a n not to get a divorce. What I don't understand is why the other partner never bothers getting a divorce. In my travels being drawn to emotionally unavailable men, I've met many who claim they are divorced only to learn after asking the right questions that they are only separated. Thing is they have been separated for years( like 5,10,15). Even my own mother never bothers getting divorced from n father. Why do people stay " separated ". If the reason is for the sake of the kids then how does it make any difference if The parents don't live together anyway. I don't understand this behavior. From a narcissist I can think of reasons but from the partner, I just don't get it. Assuming of course it's not financial reasons. I just don't get it. I have friends who will date a separated man, I will not. Not a passing judgement call, I'm just not up for drama of it.

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Done sourcing's picture

I wanted to be with my child

August 12, 2012 - 11:46pm — Done sourcing

I wanted to be with my child all the time, and I wanted to be there everyday to run interference between the exwn and our child. It wasn't my first failed marriage either. I held on for several months after the d and d but finally moved out and slowly moved on.

Things had been strained for a couple of years, maybe three or four. But I hoped (with no reason) that things might get better. I was wrong.

Life isn't perfect today. But it is good. I would have liked a situation where I could watch my child grow up on a daily basis, but that isn't reality. Marry a narc, there's gonna be fallout. I had my part, I take ownership of it, it's all ok now...not perfect...but totally acceptable and doable.

ds

Used's picture

I divorced myexn husband, but

August 12, 2012 - 10:58am — Used

I divorced myexn husband, but if had got his way I wouldnt have....but I got my way instead....

krowten's picture

I have taken him back and

August 12, 2012 - 10:52am — krowten

I have taken him back and stayed with him because he charms me and makes me believe things will change and work out. He builds me up and beats me down. When I'm down, I feel worthless to anyone and feel he is the only person that would put up with me and my insecurities etc. No self worth left - thats the reason.

Walkingonsunshine's picture

Glad you got out used, I

August 12, 2012 - 11:41am — Walkingonsunshine

Glad you got out used, I think it's such a brave move getting a divorce. It's like a stamp on the end of the dream paper. Finalized death.

Krowton I'm sorry your n has destroyed you self esteem. I had been suicidal over it and I remember feeling thoses feelings. Fortunately I was not married. It's a hard place to come up from. I guess these n's go on for many years trying to resecure the wife supply. never crossed my mind that they are still at it years later... Trying to keep their wifes as supply. I will keep this in mind that an n has no boundaries when it comes to time and supply. Thank you for this answer and I hope one day that you can break free from this psychological brain f@@@ that he has done to you because you know it's a state he's put you in and all the things you feel about yourself are not true. I hope one day u can take a leap of faith to trust that those feelings go away once you get distance and clarity. In the meantime... I wish u strength. Xo

krowten's picture

Thank god I have found this

August 12, 2012 - 2:00pm — krowten

Thank god I have found this place where I can actually speak to people that know what a mind f*@%k it really is WalkingonSunshine. I have 2 children with him. He had an affair with a girl a few years older than my son and he lived with her around the corner from me. I had to see them every day because I have a young daughter aswell.
When the girlfriend left him, he groomed me with his charm to get back together. I believed the crap like a fool and I took him back a year later. He is an excellent manipulator and yes, his supply is that I have supported financially for 24 years and he can't look after himself.
Thank you for your words of encouragement. Somewhere inside me, I know that him calling me delusional is not true, its just that I'm humiliated and exhausted and I have put my children through so much while investing in this lie.

abreva's picture

Krowton -- I agree with Walkinonsunshine

August 12, 2012 - 1:49pm — abreva

I hope and pray that one day SOON you will get out and walk the path to restore yourself.

I did it.

It's do-able.

krowten's picture

Yes, he left after I caught

August 12, 2012 - 2:04pm — krowten

Yes, he left after I caught him with the girlfriend, but I lost all my self esteem and then took him back. Now I am here... a year and half later back ar square one with him. I'm afraid of the pain I felt the first time.

Walkingonsunshine's picture

I understand that fear, it's

August 12, 2012 - 2:18pm — Walkingonsunshine

I understand that fear, it's a withdrawal that is sooooo painful... And scary. we are all here for you when u are ready. Many hugs xo

krowten's picture

That is a great comfort :)))

August 12, 2012 - 2:23pm — krowten

That is a great comfort :))) thank you

Used's picture

walkingonsunshine

August 12, 2012 - 12:14pm — Used

I never thought of that as beign BRAVE....but it makes sense to me what people were saying to me at the time....
He never told a soul we were divorced, I happen to mention it one day at one of the kids home, and they looked so taken aback and it turned out he had never told them..