Today was a day of alot of REALIZATIONS!
I had the opportunity to go out last night with friends. I have had so much anxiety (and it's been for over a year, but recently took a terrible turn for the worst), that I just pretty much stay home. I get full of fear to run in to N, I make myself physically ill, and then decide to hole up in my house where I feel safe.
But I went. I had a wonderful time. I made some new friends and I came home slept. And I slept in for the first since I can remember. And I did not wake up with those thoughts of N or OW today.
I stayed in the moment for most of the weekend. It's work. It's REAL work but I really sunk my heart in to it and tried.
While I still had thoughts here and there, I called on my God and asked him to remove those thoughts and I realligned myself in the moment. And I had some peace.
I know it won't stay like that. I get that. But I wanted to post for people who think they will never feel OK. It comes and goes, but I feel OK.
I also had realizations reading the posts over the weekend. Ns are very sick and I shouldn't for one minute let my guard down. I have done that in the past. And ... news flash... they come back. And it doesn't get any better. N picks up where he left off and because I never took the time to do the things suggested here, I was never prepared for the next bout of N-attack.
Another realization I had is how this affects the friends and family of the victim of an N. I never really took the time to think about that. And there was some reality in the posts over the weekend that really made me think about that. And a little story here to back up my words on another post I made earlier today.... I went to a meeting today and took my kids with ... when we were coming down the street where the parking lot is my oldest son says "now Mom, you just don't worry. I'm going to walk in front of you and if we run in to XXX, we will handle it together". And my youngest son says "yeah mom. We are here with you". These two boys have seen me have an anxiety attack in that parking lot, so bad, that i vommited next to our car and I shook and cried. They have seen fear in their mother to those levels. They have witnessed the N screaming at me. They have seen me cry in emotional pain. What I said to them today was, we are going to park, and we are going to say a prayer together and we did. And we asked God for strength and to give us an intuitive thought on what action to take, should we need to take an action..... And then I told them, XXX doesn't deserve us. He never did. And I will work really hard to never put us in that position again. We deserve someone who loves us as much as we are able to love them. To which I got a resounding "YEP".
My boys have not seen the N for a very long while... and they remember that. ... children, family and friends of the victims of Ns ARE affected.
I feel the seriousness of this sickness and what it does to victims like me and others. I'm forever grateful to this forum and to the mods and to the "balls to the walls" feedback that is given here. Clearly, I'm not won over by the faint of heart or the soft spoken. I needed a smack of reality. And I need it every day. Sometimes several times.
I'm scared. Every day. But while I am afraid, I feel like I'm on the right track.
So... goodnight... and thanks! In 4 years, this is the most secure I have ever felt about myself and my decisions and my actions! And I owe that to this forum... (and my badass therapist!)