I'm an a-hole

I'm an a-hole
Posted August 10, 2012 - 12:55am
0

When will I learn?

I looked G and what appears to be the OW he settled on (the Brazillian, for those of you keeping track). Damn you, social media. This time it was instagram. I'm such an a-hole. Anyway, there they are all smiley and happy and pictures of their apartment-" home sweet home". Barf. And she has this stupid runty midget dog with a damn bow in its hair. No offense to anyone with a tiny dog, I'm sure yours is lovely. But seriously, how many times did he tell me he hated dogs smaller than a football??? Oh, and he DYED his hair!!! No more salt-n-Peppa for our narc! No way! He dyed it this unnatural dark color. Looks awful. And it appears that he's whitened his teeth. Which of course you'd have to do, right? Of course.

Smiling ear to ear. So happy together.

He picked her. He did. You can all tell me again that he hasn't changed but it appears he has. And I know it shouldn't matter. But tonight it does. He picked her. And as F'ed up as it is, it makes me feel inadequate or "less than" her. He. Picked. Her.

And really, if we're going to get all cyber-therapy (as we should at 1:30am), it's really NOT about him. ((sigh)) Not at all. Today should have been my 10th wedding anniversary w my (non-narc) exhusband. And that's why I'm sad. Because my life, while it is wonderful and special and fullfilling in so many ways, did not turn out the way I expected it would. And if ex-h and I hadn't gotten divorced (it's mostly amicable & fell apart over stress of our daughters health problems), I never would have met G. I never would have gone through this. I would be celebrating 10 years and maybe have had more babies. I woulda shoulda coulda....

G was the first time I seriously entertained being w someone long term post-divorce. And it turns out that I wasn't what he wanted afterall. And he hurt me in the process of figuring that out. Maybe he just realized I wasn't the one, and didn't know how to get out of it? Maybe I misunderstood him when he said he loved me, I was the only one, I was the mother of his future children, I was his heart? Maybe he said it because he knew it was what I wanted to hear. Maybe he didn't mean to hurt me. Maybe he just fell in love with her and didn't know how to tell me. You any help who you love. Maybe it was my fault.

But that can't be, can it? Can I have misconstrued EVERYTHING so badly? I always thought I was fairly smart. But sometimes I just question eveything. Still. I play it all back in my head. I try to see it as objectively as possible. And I get so confused. Was it even real? Or am I just a basket case that fabricated every moment? Maybe I'm just a woman who had my heart broken. Maybe I'm just a bitter ex? Maybe I've lost my mind?

It had been 8 months, 1 week since I got that last email that confirmed the nightmare was real. Aside from him trying to friend me on FB 3 months ago, and me being an a-hole tonight, there had been no contact. Will I always have nights like this? Is it like grief, when someone dies? It gets better but doesn't go away? If that's the case, this is hell. Will I always question?

I know there is nothing new to be said here. I know there's no magic revelation that will clarify any of this for me. I think I'm just venting. Thanks for listening & as always for te support.

S.

‹ Getting so angry. disordered ›
brinamarie's picture

social media, a narc's best frienddd

August 13, 2012 - 5:57pm — brinamarie

don't let what you "SEE" on a social media site (faKebook, insta, twitter, linkdin.. whatever!) make you forget everything this site has taught you!! social media can be so depressing, but it is so fake!!

remind yourself of the hell you went through. everyone likes to post like they have the best life, but for all you know they were fighting 10 minutes before they took that *happy*, *lovey dovey* picture..

people who are comfortable/secure in their relationship, don't feel the need to constantly flaunt it.

(((gag)))... pray for her.

Walkingonsunshine's picture

Just because you aren't

August 11, 2012 - 3:40pm — Walkingonsunshine

Just because you aren't seeing it doesn't mean it's not happening! Using my n father as an example...He played 3 woman all at the same time, had children with 2 of them and put most of his effort into the 3rd one neglecting his kids. I'm sure the other two woman plus my mother and all the other ones on between all that felt like shit too, like why did he choose her and not me? Well the one he choose is just like him and they are a perfect pair. He cheats on her with a woman who he wants to marry in Cuba. They sleep in separate rooms, often don't speak for weeks and ate generally miserable...however his x's don't know about the Cuban woman, the cheating, the lies he tells to the one he choose. They x's all feel inferior cause he choose her instead of them. He is not happy neither is she, he has a secret ow. That's what you don't see.

agnesmurphy17's picture

heading for a fall

August 10, 2012 - 2:03pm — agnesmurphy17

The Brazilian with the cute pooch is heading for a fall too. Notice he's in her apt with her dog with dyed hair & bleached teeth. Please. A new mask.

Forget him. Time to move on. He's not worth it. He doen't even think of you. He said all those things he said to con you. Made whatever promises he needed to make to get what he wanted in the present. They don't think fo the future. They don't keep promises. And they don't care if what they do hurts another person. It's all about him.

They believe whst they say when they say it. They are "in character" playing the role. A really great actor, playing a role, will continue to be "in character" a bit even between takes or pauses in a rehearsal or a performance. They get into a frame of mind. They become the character for the duration of of the performance.

Think of a narcissist like that. They play a role to get what they want. When the performance is complete (for whatever reasons) it's over. The character evaporates & the actor moves along to the next role.

This is why he HATES little dogs (because that's the character) & now I have no doubt he LOVES little dogs & I bet you he bought that bow for the dog's birthday (because that's this character). That is all they are are characters. They are really very hollow & empty people when they are not playing a role.

lessonlearned's picture

will you feel better

August 10, 2012 - 10:10am — lessonlearned

in another 9 months or 2 years when you peep his fb & the brazilian is gone? replaced by a mexican? or a frenchwoman? or a texan? OR WILL YOU FINALLY SAY "oh, shit, i guess the brazilian wasn't it after all? it wasn't true love. it wasn't her. it wasn't me. it isn't the texan. it's HIM. HE is a freak who cycles through SUPPLY, then tosses them away to make room for the next one. huh."

will you be envying the brazilian & her little dog then, knowing the pain & suffering that he put her through? because he will. it's his playbook. they are all the same.

you can spend the next 2 years beating yourself up & peeping his fb while you wait for it to happen, or you can get to therapy to work on healing yourself NOW. it sounds like you have a lot of unresolved issues with your marriage ending & your life moving forward...all of that stuff needs to be addressed.

get serious about getting well. it's YOUR life's journey, you get one go-round. are you really gonna waste it thinking about his bad dye job, tooth whitening, & latest victim?

smnp's picture

I certainly didn't come here

August 10, 2012 - 10:23am — smnp

I certainly didn't come here to be bested. But thank you so much for your supportive words. As I write, I know there is nothing new to say on te matter. Yes, it sucks. Though not as badly on month 9 as it did on day 9.
You know nothing about me. I am in fact in therapy, thank you. I've blocked him from all avenues of my life. I had one slip. It happens. I will in fact move on.

Again, thank you ever so much for your kind understanding. All the best.

lessonlearned's picture

not trying to "best" you

August 10, 2012 - 10:33am — lessonlearned

trying to give you a different perspective. you did ask for that in your post, right? you did admit to being confused, but when i reminded you that as supply we are all interchangeable & that your priority should be on healing yourself, not worrying about him, you turned sarcastic & bitchy on me? perhaps you will be able to read my words at a time when you are less emotional & see that my intent was not to harm. if i have hurt your feelings with my post, i apologize for that.

i'm glad that you are in therapy & continuing to work on healing. that's the whole reason this website exists.

smnp's picture

Darned auto correct. I meant

August 10, 2012 - 10:43am — smnp

Darned auto correct. I meant berated, not bested.

I just don't respond to the whole "tough love" thing. Personally, I think we have all had enough of feeling bad. Kindness goes a long way. I rhink there is a time and place for a dose of reality mediine, and certainly a way to deliver it. Just felt a little like being liked when I was down.
And I turned here because I thought it a safe environment to vent my feelings.

Truly apologize that you think I'm bitchy. And I think we can agree we have far better things to do than have a sparring match here.

Hunter's picture

Seriously......

August 10, 2012 - 9:58am — Hunter

First.. CONTACT = PAIN

I think you are are suffering some serious CD..

He chose her??? BAHAAAAAAAAAAA.. Ok, Im lauguhing ..

More like he is using her for his benefit.. these creatures are all about " What can you do for me " they hang around to Take, Take, Take

She has something he needs.. Its all smoke and mirriors ..

Mirrior, Mirrior .. re read this.. hes changed to mirror this woman in every way.. from Hair to dogs.. A chameleon ..Dont you think?

Let me reimd you what this disgusting PIG has done to you..

First he left and gave you the ABUSIVE SILENT TREATMENT..

Then,lets not forget the STD... Yep, I rememebr .. you must have forgotton.. HE didnt get this form you he got that from 10 plus woman he was screwing..I bet he loved each and everyone of them in his own "Special" way..

WOW .. that woman sure is lucky.. Im sure she too has that little gift he gave you too.. Isnt that precious?..

I think you need to re group here and schedule a scession with your thearpist..

Hunter

smnp's picture

You are entirely right. In

August 10, 2012 - 10:26am — smnp

You are entirely right. In fact, I almost messaged you instead of posting. It's the confusion. It's the befuddling way it all mixes up in my head. I just need to clear it up every now and again. As I type I am sitting on the beach, listening to the ocean. That counts as therapy until my next actual appointment.

Xo

Deidre99's picture

I think that the bigger

August 10, 2012 - 8:59am — Deidre99

I think that the bigger picture is...that he treated you badly. Right? Doesn't matter how else he treats someone else (if he's a narc, she'll get the same treatment eventually) if he treated YOU poorly, that is all that matters.

We tend to doubt ourselves when our ex's take up with someone else. Well, if he is smiling on a website, with another person, it must have been me then. lol It must be me ...and maybe he's really not a narc. It must be me with the problem, because he picked HER.

No. We have to stop doubting what happened to us. As if because the narc found someone else, somehow this negates what we went through? No. What you went through, really happened. And he doesn't deserve YOU.

Secondly, and this might sound simplistic...but 'HE' chose her, you say. HE. One man. One man in a bazillion that exist in our world, is now with another woman. He's just one man. We get so consumed in thinking this man was our soul mate, that we can't think there is a whole wide world of possibilities out there.

And you can't undo your divorce. It's dangerous thinking to think...well, if I didn't do this, then this wouldn't have happened, and then that would have happened. You divorced because you felt it was the right thing to do at the time. This narc entering the scene, was most likely possible because you were vulnerable at the time. Something narcs love! Vulnerable women.

I agree with Janie, you're being very hard on yourself, but I have been there before. You will have less and less days like this, if you commit to making your life something special, and stop thinking that somehow you lost the lottery. lol Believe me, you won. SHE loses. lol

Stay strong.

smnp's picture

Yes, I do have a tendency to

August 10, 2012 - 10:30am — smnp

Yes, I do have a tendency to be hard on myself. I have a friend, who also went through divorce, who tells a story about just after filing, she dropped a plant in her apartment, broke the pot, and sobbed about the plant.

And then she realized: it's not about the plant.

It's not about about the plant.

It just got all mixed up in my head. Self doubt is tricky like that. He is one man. One. You're right. I'm adding that to my mantra arsenal. Thank you.

Janie53's picture

smnp

August 10, 2012 - 8:40am — Janie53

My goodness, S, you are awfully hard on yourself; full of self doubt and confusion. Hmmm, these are the narcissists best tools of manipulation. Peaking obviously was not a good idea, I sense you know that. Something I think that is very important to mention, though, is that this journey is not just about NC. It is about us and why we compromised ourselves and subjected ourselves to these detrimental and abusive relationships. These questions must be dealt with, head on, in order to find the peace we all truly deserve.

Please re-start NC and I would advice therapy if you haven't as of yet. Take care of you now!
Stay true to you!

Janie

smnp's picture

Oh good lord, when he met me

August 10, 2012 - 10:36am — smnp

Oh good lord, when he met me I was ripe for the picking. So vulnerable. That's an understatement. I'm learning, through a very patient therapist, What my role in his was.

It's the confusion I have the most troubles with. When that tiny voice starts to whisper, what if you misunderstood?, that's when I falter. That voice is quieter recently, obviously as time has worn on. I have made great strides. I have come so far. I will not let last nights gloom ruin all of that. He doesn't get to win.

Next time I'll come here FIRST, if the confusion starts. Far better to touch base here then left to my own devices.

Thanks all. xoxo

Emma's picture

He picked her. He did. You

August 10, 2012 - 7:45am — Emma

He picked her. He did. You can all tell me again that he hasn't changed but it appears he has"

He can change his appearance...but will never change WHAT he is. A narc is a narc is a narc.

sweetpeasarah's picture

I cant stress

August 10, 2012 - 2:20am — sweetpeasarah

enough hun, that YOU HAVE TO GO FULL NC.
Peeping on FB and the like, is what keeps you stuck. Does'nt matter in what form the contact, it will keep you in this place, unable to move forward.
It stinks, its heartbreaking, but has to be done. I even drive 5 miles out of my way to work, just to avoid driving past where ex lives, avoid triggers.
Its a hidious long road, but you will get there hun, we all will if we take the steps.
As for him loving her? Nah, shes just fresh to him at mo, pandering to him, and has'nt pissed him off yet, it will come, BECAUSE THEY CANNOT LOVE, they dont know the flippin meaning of the word. Supply, supply, supply, thats all we are to them, get this and you'll be on your way...honest!
Stay strong hun, you CAN do this!
Hugs
xx

smnp's picture

Scratch that, I meant NINE

August 10, 2012 - 12:56am — smnp

Scratch that, I meant NINE months & 1 week since the final axe. At least I should give myself credit where is due...

Done sourcing's picture

Shoulda coulda

August 10, 2012 - 1:44am — Done sourcing

Shoulda coulda woulda's...those thougth filled moments are never really very pleasant, are they. Looking back into the past with shit colored glasses, usually when all alone, ignited by boredom or a brief memory or a quiet moment or an innocent observation....it really makes no difference, because shoulda woulda coulda is a game of the ego, and therefore a stupid mindless activity, which the ego loves. I do it sometimes, and so through personal experience I earn the right to say it is stupid, circular, and always will spiral right on down into an abyss of self pity, lethargy, mental masturbation with no pleasurable climax, gluttony, envy and sloth.

It is a good idea to set apart a time for these activities ahead of time with a pre arranged time limit, like 10 minutes of shoulda coulda woulda tomorrow afternoon from 3 til 3:10....then back to recovery. But to waste more time than that on the past is a waste of the present, which is a present.

Maybe we all had brain injuries at an early age and were never told about it, lol. They shoulda told us, we woulda, and they coulda, lol

Congrats on the nc, that is good and a strong positive example for the new members that keep finding their way here.

ds