NC day 12= I'm a mess

NC day 12= I'm a mess
Posted August 9, 2012 - 6:06pm
0

I am having a horrible day. Why can't my feelings just be consistant?!?! I want this stupid ass hole off of my mind. I want to forget about him! But instead I have a good day like yesterday and then today I can not stop thinking about him and putting more and more pieces together to the fucked up puzzle. I hate him. And I am so upset today that I can cry at any moment. What doesn't help is how horrid work was as well today. I know it is his disease. I know he doesnt care about anyone. I know he is not right for me. I just want to feel better already! I get in this funk because I can not believe how blind I was!!!! It kills me knowing how much I put into this man for him to just drop me like a bad habit. I know I will be better tomorrow. I am just so upset today! This is day 12 no contact and I am not going to lie that I did have the urge to contact him today because of how sad I am. But I didn't. I won't. Contact = pain and I dont want to feel any worse then this.

‹ Someone that I used to know I am grateful ›
Totally Stunned's picture

Dear Dawny

August 10, 2012 - 8:52am — Totally Stunned

What you are going through is perfectly normal and part of the healing process. I am sorry, regardless..that you have to suffer through this. There is a lot of pain in your post, but please know that we have all been in your shoes. And just know it is ok to feel hate, grief, sorrow and want. Its ok, because you are normal, human and are capable of experiencing feelings.

Most of all..KUDOS to you for not contacting him. This act shows strength that I bet you didnt know you had. Please look at all of your positives, I bet there are a million good Dawny things - focus on them.

Stay strong. Remember, this man hurt you. You did nothing wrong, yet he still hurt you. This will pass. You will get better.

cdngemini's picture

Stay Strong

August 10, 2012 - 8:44am — cdngemini

My heart went out to you when I read this - I understand this feeling all too well.

Just when you think you are strong, poof!

I'm proud of you for staying strong and NC.

I might need you one day - and I know you will be there

sending you a big hug

spinning's picture

Dawny, good for you

August 10, 2012 - 8:24am — spinning

for posting here and getting it out.

Good for you for not breaking NC because you know that contact = pain, truly.

Good for you for choosing yourself just one more day, one minute at a time. All of these things are GOOD and you are the one doing them! That is outstanding. Remember that! You are strong and smart and capable and you are minute by minute REJECTING chaos, confusion, abuse, torture, etc. by reaching out to the one who caused all of that in the first place! That is YOUR POWER and you EMPOWERING YOURSELF.

Shoulder through this Dawny. The early days are not easy. Trust the process and trust yourself. It truly does get better.

I know you don't exactly feel it right now, but you are doing great.

Love,
(not) spinning. AND SO VERY GRATEFUL FOR THAT!

sweetpeasarah's picture

Oh Dawny

August 10, 2012 - 2:07am — sweetpeasarah

I remember SO well, how you are feeling, I like SMNP said was a basket case 7 months ago. You will experience EVERY emotion known to man and some.
It sucks, big time. But it does get so much better hun. I posted recently how, for me, the highest hurdle was accepting that he didnt love me. I was POSITIVE that I was the special one that really mattered to him, and when I eventually gained enough knowledge of the disorder to realise that they CANT love, things started to ease. All the will in the world cannot change that fact.
Take each hour, day at a time hun, it's flipping hard, but its the only way. I like many other's had a blip and went back a few month's ago, and it was HELL, lasted 10 days, and put me right back to basket case mode. Please, please dont break NC, trust me here, YOU WILL REGRET IT.
Keep reading, posting here, and learning, and one day soon, you will be posting here,that you are in a much better place, long hard road, but sooooo worth it!
Hugs to you
xx

smnp's picture

I'm 9 months, 1 week NC Just

August 10, 2012 - 1:14am — smnp

I'm 9 months, 1 week NC

Just wanted to tell you: just take it one day at a time. Let the feelings be what they are. I remember the early days. It's hell. I read old entries here and I was such a basket case. Sometimes it feels like nothing will make the pain go away.

At 9 months out, it still aches sometimes. Like a bum knee on a rainy day. I'll hear someone laugh JUST like him, or I'll see something & for a nanosecond forget that I can't call him to tell him about it. And it still hurts. But it's not as raw.

I'm not sure if it ever goes away, but it will start to feel better. Just one day at a time. And cookies was a good suggestion. :)

round3's picture

DITTO Sister!

August 9, 2012 - 7:12pm — round3

9 days and screaming... ugh.

I don't know why. It just is what it is...

have you tried cookies?

round3