I am grateful

I am grateful
Posted August 7, 2012 - 7:01pm
1

To sit and think about what we all endured and for how long. The lies, the cheating, the secrets, the habits, the patterns, the mindnumbing and mindtwisting games they played. It's just crazy.

And then to sit and think of the different phases.

The just being blindly in love with the N while they are idealizing. Then when they are starting with the D&D and I am just sitting in denial.

The come the phases of strength. Oh... I can see what's going on here. It is real. And I am so strong. And I walk away.

And then.... the text, or the call, or the "sighting", or the email... and the CD starts. I forget all the bad. ALL of it. All I see is HIM. MY GUY! Oh ... see. It's going to be all different now.

And he - N - is standing thinking, because he can tell just by my body language, that he has me in his grips again and he can just fuck me up some more.

BAM! off to the races. It's just crazy.

And I have never made it this far before. I have never addressed the emotions. I sat in anger, complained to anyone who would listen. Isolated myself from reality and my fellows and waited.....

for the next calling...

and little did I know... 4 years would pass by...

I am so grateful I found this site and everyone on here because at least, no matter how bad the emotional wreckage and pain is right now, I can honestly say I have hope and I think it's the longest I've stayed in "reality" on this whole mess.

so ... thank you....
round3

‹ NC day 12= I'm a mess MUST READ for a good laugh - - potential N??? ›
round3's picture

Today I am grateful for:

August 10, 2012 - 8:22am — round3

1. My God.. who is always there
2. New people on this board - welcome
3. a double digit NC day - this is good
4. hope to get thru this
5. willingness to do the work
6. moments with a quiet head
7. prayer to get me through
8. all the awesome people posting on these boards where I draw much strength and support from
9. LES for thinking of making this forum to try and help people so they may not have to travel as far down the road before finding the path back
10. sunshine
11. forgiveness - for myself
12. Strict NC - it buys me time... and that's what I need right now... time

round3

round3's picture

Today I am grateful for

August 9, 2012 - 6:53am — round3

1. My God who I can feel working in my life
2. this forum, that gives me strength and hope and lots of experience of others
3. getting out of bed. today was hard. the weather is kind of gloomy and I still awake with thoughts of N, thoughts of OW and the conversations "I'm going to have"
4. my job, it's something to do to try and stay out of my head
5. the moments of peace I have had over the last week, they come and go but they give me hope
6. my kids. they are full of spirit and keep me going
7. the lessons I learn
8. the willingness to do the work to learn the lesson
9. Let go and Let God - this one saves me
10. trying to have the "pause" that allows me the time to snap out of the CD and get a list and get back in reality
11. prayer - that quiets my head
12. the fact that I finally found some people that understand when I say this stuff and it doesn't just get written off to "just leave him", "get over it", "move on", there is a place where people know the mindbend that has taken place and what it takes to get it to stop.

today is the start of a new week for NC for me. I can't believe I made it. Thank you!

round3

spinning's picture

round, what an outstanding,

August 8, 2012 - 10:21am — spinning

honest post! You are truly making valuable connections that will propel you on your path forward. Taking ownership of our own destiny and our own emotions is HUGE and moves us from 'victim-mode' to empowerment.

I know this has not been a cakewalk for you. It isn't for any of us, especially the early weeks NC. But it is clear to me that you are committed to changing the script of your life so you can be happy and fulfilled. This means you will be happy and fulfilled!

You are stronger than you feel and you are doing just great.

I'm going to add to the gratitude list too! It truly helps shift the focus off of the darkness and onto the light...something I need to remember daily!

I am grateful for this beautiful sunny day, and the way the sun shines through the trees in my yard making everything look magical.

I am grateful for my hands with which I make a living.

I am grateful for this coffee I'm drinking. I love French Vanilla cream and it makes the coffee so delicious.

I am grateful for my sister, who is my best friend.

I am grateful for my aunt, who is my mentor and spiritual guide.

I am grateful for my sisters in strength and recovery here on the forum and for the trust and friendship I see every day.

Hugs to you dear round3. You are in round1 of your new, disorder and abuse free life!

Love,
(not) spinning. AND I'M SO VERY GRATEFUL FOR THAT, TOO.

round3's picture

Today I am grateful for

August 8, 2012 - 6:55am — round3

1. waking up, I have had many many days where I didn't want to
2. My kids. I have two. And they are beautiful and are pretty much unphased by this mess
3. This forum, that saved me. Literally saved me from myself
4. The new cyber friends I have made on this forum that cheer me on as I go
5. My friends in my area that support me and listen
6. My God, who shows up for the job every day, and the job is not easy these days
7. That stupid "renttherunway" add on the sidebar with the fun dresses, I may order one
8. Hope, that I can get thru this and not make the same mistakes again
9. forgiveness that I can forgive myself and move on
10. grace - that I know N is not my problem to fix or deal with
11. prayer - that quiets my very loud head
12. my conscious - that i know i have and keeps me from doing to others what was done to me

I'm just going to keep a running list here I think. Add to it. It could be fun to see what other people write.

here's to a good NC quiet-headed day!
round3

Janie53's picture

Round3

August 7, 2012 - 10:50pm — Janie53

You go girl! Another day down! Keep up the good work.
"You cannot change the direction of the wind.... but you can change the direction of your sails!"
Unknown

You are doing just that and the pay off from your hard work will be amazing. Keep sailing!
Stay true to you!

Love Janie