Beating myself up!

Beating myself up!
Posted August 7, 2012 - 5:12pm
0

What a mess.

Was a whole 67 days NC and in the real world I hadn't any inclination or desire to contact him in any way whatsoever.

But I wasn't in the real world. I was sad and lonely and very very vulnerable and had just treated myself to a bottle of wine.... and I text him.

Had the sense to use an old phone that the contract was due to expire on, but still I can't forgive this stupidity.

Just said I felt sad we couldn't be friends. Yet I KNOW... I KNOW why we can't be friends. He's at worse a psychopath, at best boring as hell with his relentless stories of self pity and bizarre lies of ridiculous dramas.

Well, my text opened the floodgates didn't it. He saw his "right to reply" as he hasn't had any contact details for me for 7 months. Got a stream of abusive texts, constant nastiness about my beloved kids because I wouldn't kick them out for him. Stating that he would have come back to me but I never asked !!!!!!!! (Was that during his engagement to OW or after she dumped him??)

Just nasty.

I destroyed the phone after wasting 2-3hours on this.

But I can't forgive myself. All my good work is undone. I have made him think I care. I have let him hurt me again. I have even analysed myself to death and concluded that now I'M the one who's done the hoovering.

‹ laughing Help....can someone tell me how to ease away slowly from my N??? ›
Hunter's picture

Oh well.. Pick yourself up

August 7, 2012 - 7:02pm — Hunter

Oh well.. Pick yourself up and dust yourself off..

You will get over this little mistake very quickly..

Hunter

losing the battle's picture

Hmmm

August 7, 2012 - 7:13pm — losing the battle

Now I think about it, why do I care what he thinks?

His values are way out of line with my values.

I mean.. I'm a devoted mum, he thinks thats a deplorable quality. I'm responsible with money so my kids get fed and housed... he doesn't see why bills should be paid. I look after my elderly parents... he charges his money for anything he does for them...

Yeah... F@CK WHAT HE THINKS!

LoserFree's picture

losing the battle Now THAT"S

August 7, 2012 - 7:32pm — LoserFree

losing the battle Now THAT"S a great attitude!!! I see that you are forgetting about the "little" mistake and looking at the BIGGER picture!!

He is not worthy of the air you breathe!! He is the dirt on the bottom of your shoes!! You are a good person with values and morals. He on the other hand has none that deserves a woman of your caliber!!!!

Good for you that you don't care what the assclown thinks anymore! Focus on what YOU think from this day forward. A Narc looks in the mirror every morning and hates what he sees. You can look in the mirror and love what you see.......A beautiful soul who is TRUE to YOU!!!

XOXO

LoserFree

losing the battle's picture

Yes

August 8, 2012 - 12:36pm — losing the battle

You are all such a wonderful support, who knew that just putting thoughts into words could make everything feel so much better.

Thank you lovely people. xxx

lessonlearned's picture

take a moment to consider

August 7, 2012 - 6:40pm — lessonlearned

what encouraged your transition from "real world" to vulnerable, sad & lonely... a bottle of wine, maybe?

not trying to shame you, only to help you reflect on what you could have done differently this time (& hopefully WILL do differently next time!). we all know that alcohol lowers our inhibitions, & it's a depressant as well. not a good combo after a N.

i recommend a 1 drink maximum for the indefinite future as you restart NC. honestly, healing requires a clear head, so don't self-sabotage with alcohol.

it's so painful to read how disappointed your are in yourself :( we've all been there, believe me. i had a period between d&d & finally going NC where i was not only in contact with the N, but lowered myself to dropping by his place for sex. he was always begging me to stay the night, & i always said NO because to be honest, i was afraid that he might physically harm me while i slept. now how f@cked up is that??? i wanted to have sex with him, but i didn't trust him enough to fall asleep there...hmmmmmm...issues??? ugh

so don't beat yourself up, let it go. slip ups happen. blame it on the wine & then do what you need to do to shore up your resistance once again. explore therapy/meds as an option if you feel you need more help with your recovery. everyone here wants the best for you. no worries ;)

losing the battle's picture

Thanks LL

August 7, 2012 - 6:58pm — losing the battle

I really don't drink often these days. The sad and lonely came before the wine, but obviously the loony juice made it worse.

And if theres one thing I've come to understand about having a drink its this. If I drink in a happy environment (e.g night out with the girls), it turns into a happy drink. If I drink when I'm down, its further down I will go. Not rocket science I know, which makes me all the more mad that I didn't follow my own rules.

But, yeah, what's done is done. I think its all combined with a lot of recent new feelings which I've read about on here loads of times and it's so reassuring to know we all get the same way (triggers... new daily route to work which takes me past his place... saw his facebook and hes really sad and lonely now... feel like a total loser if someone with no friends as he is doesn't even want me! All of it has been felt by others before.)

I know what you mean about the not trusting him not to harm you as my exN asked me to go for a drive with him so we could chat. I shuddered and gave him a definite NO! I feared he would drive me off a cliff he's so unstable! I need to remember that feeling when I get those mad ideas that we could be friends!!

Thank you and hugs to you. xx

fallingfoward's picture

losing the battle.....

August 7, 2012 - 6:04pm — fallingfoward

Sorry to hear that your hurting but it sounds like you got things back inline. Good for you. I am like 70 some days NC and thoughts of contacting my ex-narc has flooded my mind. I am in therapy, have been for 3 months now. I feel like I just beginng to get the the root of the issue of why I even stayed with a man like that.

Its hard work, dealing with yourself, the mods weren't lying. Are you in therapy?

I've seen so many women come and go from this site. I have decide that I going to stay close to the forum at least 18 months. I tend to just skip along through life, without really dealing with my issues. Dealing with them, has sent me into a tailspin at times. Let's face it, most of us are dealing with learning to love ourselves, forgiving ourselves and setting boundaries.

So glad you posted. I've been having some very rough days and after I posted, I started to feel a little better. This forum is a great place.

So glad you're on the path forward, again. :)

losing the battle's picture

Hi FF

August 7, 2012 - 6:13pm — losing the battle

I had one session in therapy which due to a waiting list I didn't get until 6 months after we broke up. (13 months post break up now). The problem with that was, I was over the initial shock and grief but nowhere near understanding the narc stuff and recognising the abuse. So I just came across as a woman who's been dumped and was basically told to go away and get over it.

I probably need therapy now. I also prob need anti depressants but I'm BIG TIME TERRIFIED of them.

I really do feel I'm getting worse and that's so disappointing when you expect time to heal. I thought a year would be the marker that had me seeing the light at the end of the tunnel but its not happening.

Thanks for being here FF, it really is the best place to be. xx

gottagetoverit's picture

Antidepressants

August 7, 2012 - 6:59pm — gottagetoverit

Why so terrified of antidepressants? Are you afraid of not being depressed anymore? Don't know who you would be without the pain? There's a line in a song I love: "How much pain will make you whole?" Really, though, if you need them they are very helpful. Some side effects at first (jitteriness is all I remember) but after a few weeks you'll be going "Hey, life is good." And you'll feel capable of handling difficulties much better. Give it a try if your doctor recommends it. And of course get back to the therapy at once! Good luck!

round3's picture

i have done that

August 7, 2012 - 5:40pm — round3

And can tell you from first hand experience it doesnt pay to sit in it. Not only did i do it but i did it pretty consisttently for four years! And not only that with the stupid texts i would cave in and hand over my dignity and self respect in the form of sex.

Fuck him. He is not worth it. Any man that expects you to put him in front of your kids is a fucktard! Only ns do that. Put everything else as secondary. Not us caring giving feeling people.

Pick yourself up. Dust yourself off. And just call a do over. He is not worth it. and the facts you already know show that you know.

No more self loathing. Try cookies. It is my theme of the day.

Hugs
Round3

losing the battle's picture

Ha!

August 7, 2012 - 5:52pm — losing the battle

Yeah... cookies... and no hangover!!

Thanks for your support, R3, been reading a lot of your stuff just lately and I like your attitude.

Yeah, sex was the first prize I gave him last time he cheated on me, quickly followed by me buying him a new car!!!! That was many years ago. Ha! Its not surprising he's got his foul-mouthed angry head on. The only prize he gets for cheating this time is a drunken text message!!!

Yeah, I gotta smile, things could be worse... and have been.

This site is sooo good for me. I've been stresSing about this for 10 days (YAYYY 10 DAYS NC!!!), and one post on here and I feel so much better.

Love and hugs.xx

round3's picture

good stuff

August 7, 2012 - 6:01pm — round3

Well look at that! You already got 10 brand new better model nc days. I only have 6. Today is 7.

I have lived in that hell. Its horrible and here is a fun phrase i learned.....i am only as sick as my secrets.....

I think it takes crazy courage to let all this shit out. I have embarrassment and shame and feel like n is sitting back laughing his ass off just knowing i am rolling around jn self loathing and all sorts of pain.

Today so far is ok. Im still struggling to be productive at work. But i am doing ok with my kids. And i only have sporadic thoughts of revenge. More often its anger at him and at me.

But getting it out and just the education i got over the past week have really helped.

I didnt get my books yet. I was really hoping. But not today i gueas. Maybe tomorrow.

Glad you perked up a bit.

Round3

abandonedandhurt's picture

Beating yourself

August 7, 2012 - 5:37pm — abandonedandhurt

Take it easy on yourself. You slipped but you can still move forward again. In psychology we use the readiness to change wheel. A slip up in your recovery does NOT mean you start at the beginning again, you can enter the wheel just one step behind where you left off, or where you left off. You are not starting over. Go on from here and learn from it. NO CONTACT. When you are having some wine and want to text or write ( I have made this mistake), tell yourself you have a 24 hour rule to contacting him. The next day you WON'T do it, and you will be glad you waited. This has worked for me. Please please don't distress yourself like this! It's not productive to your healing.
Worse case is he got one more time to be an asshole to you. He also had the opportunity to be decent. Which did he choose? RIGHT! So HE is the one who should feel shame.
Relax. Be kind to yourself. Enter the wheel where you left off. Forgive yourself. We are all here for you.
hugs

losing the battle's picture

Thank you so much

August 7, 2012 - 5:44pm — losing the battle

for your kind words A & A, I felt I deserved something more harsh!! This really has affected me badly. A bit too extreme really and I don't know why. You're right when you say my stressing about it is not productive to my healing, it really isn't.

I'm a big believer in what psychology teaches us so I will give some thought to staying on the wheel.

Thanks and hugs.xx