Be careful what you wish for

Be careful what you wish for
Posted August 4, 2012 - 10:49am
2

I want tho share this, because I see many posts about the frustration of never have been acknowledged as the official girlfriend or having a comitted relationship with the Narc.

When I started the relationship with my x-N, I was OW. Then life changed and I was upgraded to friend with benefits, dark secret or however we want to call it.

After many cycles of I-D&D, I ended-up being the official girlfriend. During the last year, he was showing me off to family and friends as if I was the greatest catch in the world.

I've learnt the hard way that it doesn't matter your status in the relationship, you always feel miserable, because you emotional needs are not met and you feel lonely, insecure and worthless.

I spent over 4 years of my life trying to be his girl and I finally got it. It was like a contest where the prize was an idiot. Please don't waste your time. Time is valuable. I'm starting to regret my relationship by minutes now, not just by years.

A big hug and thank you for all the help I found here

‹ Realizations When will it all go away? ›
goldie's picture

I LOVE it, a contest where the prize is an IDIOT

August 6, 2012 - 6:56pm — goldie

Sounds just about right. Towards the end with mine, I kept asking myself WHY I would even want to contnue this "relationship" with the village idiot.

I looked back over that first year when I loved him so much and put him on a pedestal and would do anything for him.

I bought him lovely gifts.
Made him incredible meals from scratch.
Tended to his sexual needs, YUK!!! While mine seemed to go unnoticed.
Laughed at all of his stupid comments and observations.
Went with him wherever he wanted to go.
Blah blah blah.

By the second go with him, I was mostly just wanting him to shut the F up because most of what he said was meaningless, boring, petty, and YES STUPID.

Talking about dumbing down and settling for LESS.

I HEAR YOU SISTER!!!

God bless,
Goldie

Nancyw's picture

Wow

August 7, 2012 - 7:24pm — Nancyw

I also did all the things you list. I truly thought by doing so, he would love me. Wrong. I just gave him a TV, and then when we were laying in his bed watching a show, he mentioned that I needed to buy him some new pillows. Really??

Then he said he felt "guilty" for having such a nice TV and perhaps "we" should give it to someone in need, Then he never mentioned it again.

Since sleeping with him once again, he has been sending me texts telling me what a great F---'I am. This is after I swore I would not see him again, but he lured me back because at the moment he has no one else. So tons of emails and text messages.

I haven't been strong enough to initiate NC.

TruthbeginsToday's picture

I've never been the OW but

August 6, 2012 - 3:59pm — TruthbeginsToday

I appreciate your thoughts..and that you shared them with us.

The contest. I love how you put it.I'm putting that line on my fridge. Hope you don't mind.

Spending ____ years of my life "It was like a contest where the prize was an idiot."

Fridge worthy!

Sorry for your pain but glad you are on your way.
Again thanks for the post,
Truth

Warrior's picture

It will be a honor to be on

August 7, 2012 - 3:04pm — Warrior

It will be a honor to be on your fridge!
A big hug

Froglegs's picture

Bingo.

August 6, 2012 - 6:34am — Froglegs

Like you, Warrior, I also battled with the last bf to have an official title. Well, I got it only to find out it wasn't really about us. It was about making the OW jealous. The prize was an idiot indeed. That line made me laugh. Thanks. :)

lavendar19's picture

"I've learnt the hard way

August 6, 2012 - 2:11am — lavendar19

"I've learnt the hard way that it doesn't matter your status in the relationship, you always feel miserable, because you emotional needs are not met and you feel lonely, insecure and worthless."

Truly wise words...so true. That feeling of loneliness and emptiness never goes away, until you leave the narc for good (and even then, it takes time)
Hugs:)

Deidre99's picture

the prize was an

August 4, 2012 - 11:46am — Deidre99

the prize was an idiot...lol...that's so true. ;)

good post...and glad you're feeling a bit better. it takes a while, but it's well worth doing the work.

my personal journey has been that i learned i didn't think very highly of myself, from years of emotional and verbal abuse as a kid. sort of had to unprogram all that negative brainwashing, from my childhood. and once i did that, i could see that i was part and parcel to my own abuse with the narc(s) i've dated. not that it was my fault that they are who they are, but it was my fault that i didn't stop it, and i kept attracting that type of male.

i think that now, i have a lot of respect for myself, something that was never given to me as a child. and now, the choices i will make for who i let into my life, friends or lovers...are that someone needs to show me the same respect i show them. if not, they don't need to be in my life.

this isn't to say we are not to help the homeless, and those who can never repay us. i am saying this more for lovers and friends...people we choose to spend intimtate time with...THOSE people will treat me with respect, bare minimum, or they're out of my life.

done with the old me and that old life. here's to being true to ourselves, as Janie would so beautifully say here!

<3

Used's picture

warrior

August 4, 2012 - 11:24am — Used

TRUE WORDS, AS I LEARNED TO MY COST.....
Glad you are out tho and the fog is lifting......we are all nothing to them, whether we have a name or not....its all the same to them.....
I wished for something re exn and it came to pass.....
Was I insane or what?....I was then when I was with him....
GLAD TO BE OUT BIGTIME...

Lovely1's picture

Warriorrrrrrr so trueee

August 6, 2012 - 5:36am — Lovely1

I battled like you to be recognised. Never really was, only to work ppl who arent significant enough I say.

Thats what happen when we start as OW m upgrde to precious GF and then work hard to keep the prize from running back ex gf, prize pig more like it.

Wasted time but lessoned learnt my dear. Lesson nicely learnt.

As for your reference to emotional needs not met, my goodness, that was my catch phrese thru the whole debarcle. He was kind caring giving wanted to please YET i was never emotionally fulfiled and he blamed me aying I was inept and didnt know how to feel. Right! So I feel that same pain-Your body knows when things arent right and so does ur brain.

nolongerbound's picture

Title means nothing

August 7, 2012 - 9:19pm — nolongerbound

Even when you start off as the gf, you're still trying to keep the prize from the OWs and ex-gfs. The funny part? He was still having sex with all of them while I was sitting there trying to prove my worthiness. Ugghhh

Like you, I was never emotionally fulfilled even though I was the "love of his life," he had "never met anyone as wonderful as me before," and "wished he had met me before so he wouldn't have wasted his time with those other girls" blah blah blahdity blah. Whenever we were with his friends and family, I became almost invisible to him. I really think he brought me along for display.

I had so many people (mostly his fangirls) tell me that he was such a catch. THEY CAN FREAKIN' HAVE HIM.

Dawny's picture

Wow that's the same as me! We

August 6, 2012 - 8:31am — Dawny

Wow that's the same as me! We worked with each other and he didn't mind who knew about us at work or anything but I was never around his friends or family.

round3's picture

I did this

August 6, 2012 - 7:01am — round3

come to think of it. I did THIS to! I would beg him to take me places where we knew people. Those where the things he would never ever bring up. and if i brought them up he would twist it and say "well you could have asked me to go". it ALWAYS got twisted around.

There was only one time he actually invited me. It was after he was already there. It turned in to a mess because I had an anxiety attack in the parking structure and couldn't get in the function so i went home. It was a nightmare.

Oh yeah, and one other time and he acted very distant at that function. VERY distant. Like he couldn't really overly let on that we were supposed to be there together. But he could ask me to take his shit home cuz he had to stay longer, you know, the excuse to come over and get laid....

Jesus Mary Joseph! There's another thing! gak!