The waves of emotion are enough to make me slit my wrists! I swear!

I have a hard time drawing on the truth when they hit.

So he "gave" me some fishing poles for my boys for a trip and he gave a blueray movie for my boys. And then on one of his anger things he says give them back. I say OK. Then he says no. Keep them. that would make him really happy. so i kept them. then after this whole wedding thing and me putting him on the spot with questions and calling him out on his lieing cheating ass self, (i'm the one that emailed first) he says by all rights i should return them or pay for them. so i say ok. and i couldn't find one of the poles. so i return what i can and leave money. then cuz i just can't help it i forward the stupid email to him where says it would make him happy. to which he responds "I have you the option to keep them. yes. it's true. there was a time i would have done anything for you. but i really like her and she really likes me and i want to work at this relationship." WTF. it is written on paper! by him! how can he turn around and say the complete opposite. How does that not GLARE to him as a WTF? OK FUCKER! way to start it off with a BANG. and it wasn't her you banged. Way to "start a relationship" based on a big fat pile of lies.

OMG - i am so mad. I am crying. I was at a thing tonight and I swear like three guys i saw all of a sudden reminded me of him. And then I start thinking - oh see! he is not homely. He is handsome. And I made a HUGE mistake and if I could just talk to him and convince him of my mistake he will come back.

I think I may be losing my mind. I am scared to death to go to bed. I don't think I will sleep....again....

I hate these flashes. I can't stand them.

He lied
He cheated
He probably lied for the past 4 years
he probably cheated at least once on all of our on/off deals
he was verbally abusive
he was a master manipulator
he played on my emotions
He was detached from reality
he used me for sex
he was terrible to my kids
everything was just a means to and end with him
the end was sex it was always sex
sex meant love to him and it had to be first and formost

i had my first appointment today with my shrink and she told me to buy and start reading "co dependent no more". WTF?

I had some good spots today and my stomach actually wasn't wrenching. I stayed at work all day. I wasn't productive but i stayed there all day. I am getting help. I am trying. I feel terrible and the nights are the absolute worst.

I want to drive the stupid fishing pole to his house. And seriously poke his and her eyes out with it.

People don't "ask" for this do they? If one more fucking person says "well you just weren't a match" I swear i'm gonna punch them. wtf. why do other people not see this shit? Why do i feel like the only way i'm going to feel or find hope is if someone somehow inflicts some serious emotional wreckage on him or the OW.?

OMG - i am so angry I am going to have to go run on the treadmill or something.

I think I'm done and I'm going to go order my stupid new book.

round3