Slingback15's Story

7 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Aug 1 - 9AM
Slingback15
Slingback15's picture

Slingback15's Story

12 years with female civil partner, trashed

Wow, firstly I'd like to say a huge thank you for this site and all that share within it. It has been a total life line in a time of absolute despair. Now I have registered, I really want to share my story of my female, same-sex partner who I thought the world of and who ultimately crushed me to the point I have no idea who I am anymore and what the hell happened.

We first met at university. She was studying Psychology of Counselling (oh the irony), and I was studying Health Studies. We had started to get to know each other as friends and nothing more. She, at the time, was dating a guy and had been for 4 years, so I didnt really expect any romance at all. Then, suddenly out of the blue, she told me she had finished with her boyfriend. I was shocked and said "I'm so sorry, I hope you guys can work it out". She really didnt appreciate the comment and left the bar we were in at the time. I had no idea she had dumped him for me, as there was no sign in my mind of any romance at all. Over time she spent more and more time with me, payed me more attention and explained her feelings towards women and used this as her reason for splitting up with her boyfriend. Despite friends warnings and some initial reservations of my own, we started to become very close and then she initiated taking things on to a much more intimate level. We started dating, it was extremely intense, whirlwind-esque. Didnt see friends for approx 4 months - went travelling to france, Amsterdam, USA. Like we had to be doing something, we had to get the absolute most out of being together and the time we had. It was totally full on. Like an absolute fool, I was completely besotted with her and after only a short time asked her to marry me (civil partner/ceremony), which she more than gladly accepted. However, towards the end of university a lot of very stressful, negative things happened to me and within my family. My father (an aggressive alcoholic) developed psychosis and subsequently stabbed himself in the chest 3 times - survived physically. Still drinking to this day - nothing has changed. This clearly was emotionally very stressful for me. I didn't get much reassurance or support from my partner. A lot of confused/concerned looks and "lets go out and take your mind off it" comments. I wont go into the situation with my dad, its very complex and separate from my issues with my partner. Then, later in my final year of studying, a month before my final exams before graduating, I was diagnosed with malignant melanoma. This was understandably a huge shock for me, but quite simply, my partners reaction was way worse than mine. She had no idea what to say, was totally stressed/confused/irritated/angry/snappy. Spoke to the medical staff like they were insane, all the time Im just sitting there thinking "I cant react, Ive got to hold myself together for her". I'm not sure why this didnt set off an alarm bell at the time but basically I went onto auto pilot and buried my emotions. My cancer was treated aggressively with surgery and very successful as, 10 years later Im still here, thank you NHS!

2 years later, after graduating (I got a 2:1 - very pleased!), we were both working full time and things had definitely changed between us, I had become very tired and to a degree depressed, as I can only bury feelings for a while. It is obvious now that a lot of resentment had already built up within our relationship but at the time I put it all down to me and my feelings. My partner began texting a colleague from work at 02:30 in the morning, thinking I was asleep, and she started spending more time with one of our friends, who turns out wasnt much of a friend. Then after I confronted her, she moved out claiming she need "some space" and moved in with said friend. After 3 months she came crawling back and stupidly I took her back. No counselling, no discussion, just tried to carry on, like an idiot. Somehow, we did manage to carry on, but it was never the same. My partner became very demanding re: housework expectations, comments were made about my family members, about friends, about my work. I started having less contact with family and lost friends. I gave up my job within the ambulance service as my partner started showing similar "attention/obsession" signs with another friend of ours - who didn't exactly beat her off. Things settled after I changed jobs and eventually we completed our civil partnership ceremony. Which I organised on my own, despite desperate attempts to involve her. She told her parents via text message and eventually invited them. Told her dad on the day to make a speech. Nightmare. She spent most of our special day hanging out by a wood burner smoking cigarettes and talking to whoever else was stood there. Whilst I spoke to the majority of our guests, danced with people, sang karaoke and tried to make out the day was amazing.

2 years down the line, she has cheated on me, started an affair, is continuing with the affair and basically made it very clear she wants to be with the OW. This all began on my birthday, in a nightclub, whilst I was stood 20m away. Gutted doesnt even come close. We went to a counselling session together and it was a train wreck. My partner took no responsibility or ownership for anything and spent the entire session trying to argue with me about the definition of "affair" and then slagging me off to the counsellor, accusing me of being aggressive (i'm sincerely not - im a nurse), controlling (I never stopped her from doing anything and always encouraged as she seemed to have a low self esteem) and self -righteous (as I wasnt over the moon about her affair). The counsellor didnt really have much to say and nearly shook my hand when I said I want a divorce.

Being with this woman has been a nightmare. She has accused me of being like my aggresive alcoholic father during arguments, she has criticised my family who have always tried to accept her, she has ridiculed me to members of our social circle and put me down in front of friends. Nothing has ever been good enough. I secured a property in London (3 bed house with back garden) within our budget and ensured the sale went ahead, I did all the DIY - with her dad, I am still doing all the DIY, I relandscaped the garden so it looks stunning for her, I got double glazing put in throughout the house as a surprise for her whilst she went on holiday to the USA with her parents, you name it I tried it. When the sex became almost non-existent I tried introducing new things, she wasnt too sure, so I stopped straight away and pretty much left that side of things up to her. Now, she has the audacity to claim that she doesnt want to be in a marriage as its too much pressure, too much committment, too many expectations, too much responsibility. She also claims "Im not attracted to you anymore, there's no spark anymore, this OW makes me happy, makes me feel excited". If my heart hadnt have stopped for so long and my intestines just leapt out of my mouth, I think I would have exploded. I have done nothing but try my hardest to keep this woman happy for the last 12 years and now after everything she has put me through, she doesnt even have the decency to leave our marital home. There is so much I could write its unbelievable. SHe is currently sulking upstairs as I refused her guilt gifts that were supposedly for my birthday and have returned them to her. I have also blocked her from my facebook, so am having to endure listening to doors slamming and things being slung around the room. Im so exhausted. I havent eaten properly for weeks, my immune system is awful and hence I have just endured a vomiting bug followed by flu. Im absolutely washed out.

I think I have prattled on long enough. Just wanted to share and I hope people understand that this is not because of our sexuality, our relationship in my eyes was just the same as everyone elses. I just have no idea what to do now.

Aug 5 - 2AM
Slingback15
Slingback15's picture

Let the games begin!!!

Aug 4 - 3AM
evergreen
evergreen's picture

Karma chameleon!!

Aug 2 - 3AM
evergreen
evergreen's picture

12 yrs

Aug 2 - 4AM (Reply to #4)
Slingback15
Slingback15's picture

Hello Evergreen, Thank you

Aug 1 - 4PM
spinning
spinning's picture

Slingback, my heart breaks

spinning

Aug 2 - 4AM (Reply to #2)
Slingback15
Slingback15's picture

Thank you