round3's story

New to Website, story I think is the same. Please read...I'm looking for support

My story started about 4.5 years ago. I had just started dating after a divorce .

This man seemed charming. I had two very young children. I'm a homebody. he seemed perfect for me. He said all the right things. Did all the right things. At one point he coached a flag football team and made sure my son could be on it even though he was a year too young.

The relationship progressed very quickly. Within 3 weeks we were very intimate. I was just too niave to be aware. I would share things that were said or done with a close friend who would warn me or give opinions and I would get upset and sometimes even defend the man.

At christmas that year he came over with a very fancy nighty and some lovely perfume. I am not really that kind of nighty person. It seemed odd. I didn't know what to do. He got presents for my kids. But they were wrapped. he showed up with wrapping paper and went in the back and wrapped them and came back out (for the kids). But the nightie was good to go. I remember my gut churning. I shared this with my close friend and again..... she was very leary. It was as if he was trying to make me to be what he wanted me to be.

Comments started coming about this friend or that friend. Comments about my kids. Comments about my job. Comments about me not having neough time for him. He lost his mind at me one time because I went to a flea market with a girlfriend. And to lunch. I invited him to lunch. All the while I'm trying to maintain some of my values and try to be a good example as a mother and an adult in my kids life. I was pretty isolated at this point, let go of my circles of friends, knew enough to know there was something wrong so I stopped bringing things up to my friends. YOu know.... everything was just "FINE". There was ALOT of sex (I don't know what all the codes mean yet). And ALOT of turmoil. ALOT. It was just never right. I was just never right. I was tormented emotionally. My kids were starting to be affected and we had a fairly ugly breakup followed by a number of get back together and have make up sex only to find out when nothing changes nothing changes.

I just was not getting it. It took councelling, and going to alanon (I'm a recovering alcoholic too working a 12 step program) and a long time for me to start to feel whole again and i had to work SO hard to not contact him or feed in to his contact. And I wasn't always successful.

But he would only contact me if he THOUGHT i was with someone else. This didn't register with me. But EVERY time he contacted me (including recently which I will get to) it stirs me up like nothing every has before. I just seem to go temporarily insane and lose all grip on reality.

So 4.5 years of that. I did date a couple other men. Casually. I was learning how to date. I was having some fun and being tormented with little pieces of contact from him. Well the last month or so (I'm not sure) I had a couple relapses with him and would allow him over, against my gut, and ...same thing. Never conversation. Never talk about what we were going to do to make this relationship work. Which is what I wanted.

Two weekends ago i went in for more. Last weekend i went to a wedding with a beautiful new dress and a fantasy that he would see me, love me, and we would be together (I'm 43, i have no idea where this crazy comes from. He was there with a date. I emailed him late the next day. The way his response was it appears he had been seeing her the whole time. Some of his email said "I like her she likes me. Not only does she go out when I ask, she asks me out (I'm old fashioned, i want to be asked out). She has a career and kids just like you and trains for blah blah and makes time for me. Another spot said i want to put everything i have in to this relationship (to which i thought well you were having sex with me so you started it on a pile of lies). Another part said he wants to make her feel as secure as she makes him feel (this is my red flag that she finally dropped her drawers for him because that is the only thing that makes him feel secure, that and giving every single moment of time that isn't absolutely required to sustain life (like go to your job, and even that should be limited) to him.

I am not sure but are N's hyper sexual? He is. And I'm thinking he kept me coming back for more (because he probably is aware I assume sex means love and intimacy ... and yes I know that's wrong, but I don't want meaningless sex so I think I try to attach it to something to make myself feel better in this relationship). He was having sex with me and taking her on dates. I am just guessing... but i would bet I'm fairly accurate. That she was not putting out for him. He needs sex. Alot of it. He flat out told me that. He is very self absorbed. He is unconditional. He is consumed with his own body and looks, like OCD consumed. Anybody in my circle of friends that was remotely emotionally healthy, he had an issue with. he sat in judgement of everything and everyone, all the way down to my dog. He would send me nude pics from his camera. He would ask for the same. And the thing is, he is not an overly attractive man. He is really rather homely.

Needless to say I am in the terrible spiral. I am having a terrible time staying in reality. I get in these mind funks where I want to email him and tell him how much I love him. And it's not even true. I am fairly certain he is an N and I am a victim and I'm pretty sick to my stomach about my latest bad decision and about handing 4.5 years over to him. And about possibly having let other potential good relationships go by the wayside for him. I fear I don't know what a good relationship is anymore. I fear I'm to old and will be alone because of what I've sacrificed.

I was smart enough to remove my kids from the situation and I kept them pretty isolated while i was leading this double life. But i gave in on alot of my morals and values thinking it would change things, thinking he would love me and commit and stay. And here for the past who knows how long he was with another woman too.

I had everything i could do to not go tell her I just had sex multiple times with him the prior week. I have alot of anger and want her to know. I want to tell him what a jerk he is and what he did and how wrong it is. But his email flat out stated he doesn't think he did anything wrong. It's like talking to a rock. He seriously doesn't see it. My friend says Ns are incapable of feeling. Feeling anything. Ever.

I do not understand. I sometimes just have this strong desire to understand and then to be right. I think if he admits what he did we can move forward. OK.... he cheated... on her. ... with me... or on me with her.. however you chose to look at it. he's been full of lies the entire time. He has a double life that i have never really found everything out but every once in a while weird stuff would happen and i would ask and get lame responses and then go check the responses with my friend. He would frequent sites that sold male enhancement drugs. And those are the emails i knew about. He tried to work over a number of women at events we would both be at. I saw it. I think because he is generally unattractive (homely) women don't give him the time of day. I have been told multiple times to walk away but i'm telling you ... I can not even see the guy without having a mental breakdown. I have never been like this, but with this man I have no sense of security at all. He even looks at me and i feel unworthy and find it necessary to do all sorts of crazy stuff.

My friend says weak willed people like me are targets for Ns, people like him. I am easily swayed due to guilt and baggage from other things in my life. I never thought I appeared needy or anything like that, but what the heck? How did I look like a good target for this guy? My friend said right now he is in a position of power and i gave it to him. I gave him my power. He is my God and and he relishes in this kind of stuff. I need to get my power back. My security and self esteem back and I need to let go of this and not sit in this terrible morbid reflection about what happened.

I need help.