evergreen's story

rediscovering myself after a N relationship

I met the N in my life 7 yrs ago.At the time he was living with a woman.He had 2 marriages behind him,children with both ex wives.He left his second wife when his children were babies and within a year he was living with a woman.
I met him in a local bar he was alone I was with a friend.He began chatting me up and remembered meeting me 7yrs previous at his 40th birthday party.I didn't recall him but he remembered the exact conversation we had had all those years earlier! I was flattered.That same night I ended up going back to his he tried sexual advances but it was obvious there was a woman on the scene (his partner was away at the time)so I declined and went home.

I would occasionally see him socially never with his partner she worked away most days of week.He began to socialize with me and my friend. Then the stories began about his unhappy relationship with his partner.Me and my friend would listen and offer advice and an ear.He began txting me to ask if I'd be out.At the time I was working and a single mother so my time to socialize with him was limited.Most of his txts were concerning his awful lot in life with his partner.I was having the odd date myself at the time and would tell him about my dates.I had just got back into the dating scene after 13yrs alone post divorce.

He was having issues with alcohol abuse at the time and his partner was helping him deal with it.He went into re-hab x2 and was diagnosed with PTSD.When I asked him why his partner never came out to socialize he said it was because she "Hated" me! I had never really met her so couldn't understand.He told me she was constantly checking his phone and realized he had been txting me thats why she hated me.It was at this time he told me he was told by his Doctor he probably only had 2 yrs to live and was trying hard to turn his life around.One time I met him in a local bar as a friend and he suggested we go to a new bar When I questioned "why?" he said his partner would be out looking for him.So I phoned his house to let her know where we were.She came out and collected him.He was often leaving her alone and out drinking his time in re-hab had done little to curb his habits.

From all his stories his relationship was deteriorating fast and his partner was leaving to work in another city.At the time I was unaware of all the surrounding dramas ...a suicide attempt by him her depression etc.He moved to an apartment very close by to my house.We began seeing each other taking it slowly. He was still in communication with his ex he said he was offering her support as she was really depressed because of their breakup!RED FLAG! She occasionally visited to see her dentist and stayed at his when doing so! He claimed he was on the sofa when she visited RED FLAG!. She seemed to have knowledge about my communications via e-mail with him and he questioned me if I had communicated with her!? It became obvious she was spying on his e-mail account.
In time we spent more and more time together he said he was falling in love with me. I was the best thing that had happened to him we had so much in common blah blah blah..HOOK LINE AND SINKER!

On and off over the course of our 5 yr relationship if I went away for any time he would be on the phone constantly sometimes threatening suicide one time I was away for a w/e he took an overdose.Mostly during these times he would initiate contact with his ex for any tenuous reasons.He always lied about contact with her always maintained she was nothing in his life.This pattern continued.She informed me that whilst I was away they had spent 2 days together this was after us being together for 4 yrs. She said at the time he had told her he had fallen for her again! of course he denied it calling her a liar she called him a liar! my head was mashed in by it all.He asked me to marry him shortly after this occasion. he even accused her of stalking him at one point said she was crazy etc etc

Apart from the issues his ex he was making more and more demands on my time. Using very subtle clever techniques to alienate me from my friends and family "You're always at your high drams sisters beck and call would she be there for you"
He sent a nasty txt to my friend about her on pretense he was sending it to me so it looked like I was ok with him saying such things about her.Many more very subtle mind tricks and "gaslighting" techniques were used too numerous to mention.
I really had had enough and when I saw several calls on his phone from said ex it seemed the contact between them had stepped up! I think he knew I was onto his mind tricks so began getting her ready for the fallout! (She believes he is her soul mate)
He went berserk and stormed out of my house tried even then to say the number was from his male friend!
After 5 wks of him storming out he was back in bed with his ex. I called around to his apartment his bedroom door was open and he had new sheets on.I e-mailed her to thank her for changing the sheets She e-maild back saying " what are you on about he must be winding you up arnt you guys married yet!? I asked him about her response he said she was there. Then a week later he showed up at my house to ask if we could be friends! I gave him an emphatic NO!

All this only happened 2 weeks ago so Im confused angry for allowing myself to be fooled for so long.