My Path Forward

I wrote this in response to Deestarr asking me if I could recommend a book to help her understand her role with her narc. I couldn't give her a simple answer...

I don't think there was any one book or article that helped me recognize my part in the dance with my  psychopath. It was the culmination of many things that brought me to the place I stand today; a place of  understanding, acceptance and forgiveness. Forgiveness to myself that is.

I read endless books and articles on narcissism, psychopaths and personality disorders. I read millions of posts, responses and the mods blogs on the forum; often staying up all night. In addition,  I read a lot about marriages,  relationships,  misogynists and emotionally abused women. My eyes burned and were red much of the time.  I worked hard and was determined to answer my question; why I breached my own morality and integrity. Why would I risk loosing everyone that was so close to my heart and important to me? Everything I read offered an additional element to my  puzzle but a major piece was still missing. 

As I read so many sad stories of neglect and abuse, I never considered myself one of these women. I was happily married, well educated and had a career that  I was both good at and well respected for. I had a lot of friends and most importantly,  I was happy. Sure,  my childhood wasn't perfect but then again, there is no such thing as perfection.  Being a true empath, I felt for these women who were abused. I desperately tried to understand why they would stay in a relationship with someone who had no regard for their needs and often abused them blatantly and openly . It made no sense.

This past spring,  as my struggle continued to understand myself and my self destructive behavior of engaging with a psychopath, I read a post by Lisa E. Scott called Feng Shui Your Friends. Her piece motivated me to take a good look at the people in my life,  both family and friends, close and afar. I responded to her post with my own piece  entitled Weeds.

This was my turning moment and the true beginning of my recovery. I have been weeding every since and even do so on this forum. I started slowly, sometimes being confused between a flower and a weed,  but after much introspection and how I feel in each of my relationships, it becomes quite clear and easy. 

I literally dissected every important relationship I have had which eventually brought me back to my childhood. I quickly  discovered and acknowledged the charismatic psychopath that brought me to the forum was not my first. I was born a victim to this insidious disorder. . . My father, the man who was suppose to love  me unconditionally was my first. This was an extremely difficult reality for me to accept, one in which I had been denying for way too long. I always tried to rationalize  my father's ill behaviors but it was too late;  I knew too much. Knowledge is power. I  now know and accept that  my father was a raging narcissist.

Further refection was needed now and I connected my new knowledge on NPD with how I was raised. I grew up with a desperate longing to be loved and accepted. My life was full of confusion, walking on eggshells with the constant and desperate worry not to set my father off. I grew up in a world of contradiction; often being the greatest little girl in the world,  and then, often within minutes, I was considered a complete disappointment. I grew up striving to please and was so happy and proud when I did.  WhenI failed,  I blamed myself and would try even harder to please the unpleaseable.  My successes in life became my father's; my failures were mine alone. I still looked up tp him though, he was my father. These contradictions often paralyzed me both as a child and as an adult.

I met my charasmatic psychopath during one of the most difficult times in my life.  He is a true predator and quickly smelled my vulnerabilities and uncertainties. I  became his prey. History was about to repeat itself. I was once again that child wishing to be loved and protected and yearning to please. I was love bombed in true psychopathic style  and made to feel like the most important and beautiful woman in the world. Endless devotion, flattery and approval;  the feeling I had been searching for my entire life. It all felt so familiar...Oh there  were red flags from the first day he looked into my eyes, but I chose to ignore them.

 Learning about the spectrum of narcissim and psychopathy explained my predator but I needed to understand my part.  This journey was not at all about my psychopath, it was about me. After weeding my garden,  I had to confront the most invasive and toxic weed of all, my father. That place of familiarity that I reverted back to with my psychopath was so damaging and detrimental. It almost destroyed me and my family. I am now choosing not to let it.  Walking away from the familiar is not easy. It means you have to stand up for yourself, love and nurture yourself and most importantly, stay true to yourself. I finally know who I am;  I define myself.

No, my charismatic psychopath that lead me to the forum  was not the first in my life but he is definitely the last. When I die, I will die not only as a survivor, but as a victor as well.  I am and will forever be true to me!

Please, stay true to you!
With Love,

Janie