I remember that desperate feeling, that no one would ever understand how hurt I felt. Somedays, I literally felt as though my heart physically hurt and I thought the crying would never end.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. It will get better. This man is a drug to you. Think like a recovering addict, not a heart-broken woman. An addict who choses to recover goes through the toughest times. They do so, because going back to that addiction, whether it is a drug, alcohol, gambling...will ruin their life. He is still in your blood, your veins, your brain and your heart. And just because your brain knows he is not good for you, your heart has not caught up to your brain. I know, that is how it was with me.

Going cold turkey (NC) will only help you, but it takes time and you need to allow yourself that time to heal.

You can do this!!!!! If I can beat this drug, you can too!

Ride it out, that is the only way, let it be, don't be hard on yourself, don't try to feel better and fake it, don't make yourself feel bad about this, you are entitled to feel this emotion. Every emotion in the book has to be felt, accepted, then you will move in your own time onto another emotion.

It's all hard, breaking up, broken heart, broken promises, everything in your future ripped away, you must just let it be. It will go.

Do what you can to ride it out, stamp, shout, swear, throw things, (I paced up and down my garden, swearing and cursing), rant, cry, whatever it takes. Eventually you will move on. It's agony, but it will not last forever, it will go when you are ready.

Dig deep, find the resolve, fight for yourself, a much brighter future is there, you will have it. Just go through it, you will come out the other side of this. YOU CAN AND WILL BECAUSE YOU CAN NOT GO BACK TO ABUSE.

Give yourself time, work at it, you have had trauma, there is no magic wand to cure it. Accept it, let it happen, it's temporary. That's all. You will show strength, more than you knew you had. We are all behind you, and alongside you, we have been there, we understand. You can do it, do it for yourself, and be your own best friend.

Brit c

I like your name. Good for you, for chosing to join the support group.

It takes time and work. Have you ever loved yourself the way you loved him? Pouring yourself into your life, caring for yourself, by making you well-being the number one choice in your life.

Goldie gave me the best advice, she told me to spent an hour or two a day working through the issues. If you let yourself put up with any type of abuse, their are issues that allowed you to put up with this type of treatment.

Change your lifescript.

I understand about missing him. NC is the only way to go, to get through the addiction to him.

Stay close to the forum, and you will make it through.

hugs
ff

do you think you might need a new therapist? you are not far out at all, it took me years to fully recover, it is a long process, be kind and patient with yourself and know in the end it would have never worked out, unless you like being a doormat!!

It does get better, I promise you.
2 months is not that long, although at this stage (I am over 3 years NC ) I remember it seeming like a life - time and I remember the agony only too well.
You just have to keep wading through, crying when you need to, and just let the healing process do its thing. You have to trust that that is what is happening to you - that you are healing.
This experience has so many components to it that it is difficult sometimes to grasp hold of any kind of life raft within yourself to keep yourself moving forward.
A 'relationship' (can't really call it that - as it is so one - sided) with a 'disordered' person is so traumatic on so many levels,and that is why the healing process is SO long and SO exhausting.
It has also, in most cases, turned into an addiction and there is traumatic bonding involved.
The journey back to yourself is a long, hard slog and it takes time.
A disordered person takes you on a journey into their fucked up, messy reality and we go with them, for whatever reason. When you get right deep into the healing, you find out ALL the reasons this happened to you, how and why you got drawn in, what you thought you wanted from a 'love' relationship, what you believe to be real love and just exactly what it is NOT.
If each day - you can dig deeper and deeper into your strength and tell yourself that you are now on a journey that will bring you out into the world again and see yourself in a way you NEVER EVER believed was possible and that you will look back on this fool as the one that delivered that amazing gift to your door - then you will be on your way, because I am telling you now, I have NEVER experienced pain like I did, consistent, agonizing, heart breaking pain with no let up, I could only describe it as a soul rape (and you will have heard that grim phrase bandied around the forum - to the naked eye I could see how it could be perceived as a bunch of sore, duped women unable to get a grip and move on - but I believe EVERY single one of them ).
You must be kind to yourself.
Keep on the forum if you need to because this is a unique experience and many people wonder why you are not just getting over the idiot and moving on - and this only serves to isolate you further.
So don't apologise for your feelings or for being negative - just keep getting them out of you.
There is so much built up toxicity in your system that it needs to come out and you and your body will find the best ways for this to happen - but you must try not to add to your hurt and pain by telling yourself off.
You have done NOTHING wrong.
You just fell in love with someone who is totally INCAPABLE of reciprocating it.
Not because you are in any way 'lacking',or someone else is better, or you were this or that - but because HE CANNOT.
He does not have the resources within himself to give you what you require.
And it is NOTHING to do with you.
It is the most painful dynamic ever.
Whereas in a 'normal' relationship (whatever that is !!!!) it would run its course and it might get a little tedious day to day etc - we never really get to find out where it could have gone because it is just constant drama, crazy - making, manipulation, and everything else you get with a PD - and instead what happens is a bonding that is sick, unhealthy.
That makes us believe we are somehow failing because we can't get it to work.
So we keep going back to try again and again and again.
You know the story.
If you are in it for long enough - your reality becomes so distorted, you think it is normal.
It is SO NOT !!
Despite how bad you feel - you MUST keep going.
You are on the healing path and I promise you you will get there.
When you feel weak - let yourself be weak.
Be kind to you.
Tend to your wounds in the best way you know how and bit by slow bit you will come back to you.
And you will develop an inner strength that you didn't know was inside of you.
Best of luck my love......keep going, you will get there.
This story is about learning to love you.
Not some prat that wouldn't even know where to start.

You are suffering from PTSD ..

Did you join GOLDIE'S GROUP .. It will add to the feel better tools!!

2 months of NC is just the beginning !! Hang in there..

Hunter