I'm tired. Each day it seems to be getting harder for me to get out of bed. I understand that I am addressing some pretty heavy crap with my therapist and I need to do that to get to the "reason" for my f'd up life, I just cant seem to grasp that I will get there.
I mean, I am terrified that at the end of the day my stupid messed up brain that tells me I need to apologize to him because I knew that I was broken when I went into this relationship is going to be right. I feel like I should be begging for his forgiveness, telling him how sorry I am for hurting him, for not being enough for him.
I have had a few members reach out to me and blow me away with kindness, but I want to push them all away, I want to push my therapist away, I want to push my best friend away, because what if you all really get to know me and find out that I shouldnt be on this site because I am to blame. That he really only did what he did because i was so bad.
I know that i am "lucky" to survive what I have survived and that many women dont make it this far, I get that, I wish I could give all those women their lives back, I really do. I am not trying to be ungrateful for mine, its just today, right now, I dont know that I can take much more.
I am sorry that every time I post it is super negative, I just dont know where else to turn. I go to therapy, and that helps, but you all understand on such a different level. My friend has backed off cuz she just doesnt "get it" and I dont blame her. My family, well they are part of the problem, and here lately, I dont even want to be with my kids and that is the most horrible thing and makes me hate me even more. I just dont want to screw them up too.
My thereapist told me that if I cant be better right now i dont think i can be better. I guess that is true, but at the same time it isnt. I just want some hope. I want some hope, I dont want just more court dates and more ripping me apart on the stand and more visits for the kids and more seeing him around town acting as if life is grand.
I just wish I could curl up and press the stop button to this messed up thing called my life you know pick the "other" ending like you can with some movies. I dont know everything is just so scrambled in my head I am forgeting which way is up.