Struggling to stay alive-emotionally, mentally & physically

Emjbear

Member since:
1 year 4 weeks

Last activity:
1 week 3 days

Posted July 17, 2012 - 4:25pm

I'm tired. Each day it seems to be getting harder for me to get out of bed. I understand that I am addressing some pretty heavy crap with my therapist and I need to do that to get to the "reason" for my f'd up life, I just cant seem to grasp that I will get there.

I mean, I am terrified that at the end of the day my stupid messed up brain that tells me I need to apologize to him because I knew that I was broken when I went into this relationship is going to be right. I feel like I should be begging for his forgiveness, telling him how sorry I am for hurting him, for not being enough for him.

I have had a few members reach out to me and blow me away with kindness, but I want to push them all away, I want to push my therapist away, I want to push my best friend away, because what if you all really get to know me and find out that I shouldnt be on this site because I am to blame. That he really only did what he did because i was so bad.

I know that i am "lucky" to survive what I have survived and that many women dont make it this far, I get that, I wish I could give all those women their lives back, I really do. I am not trying to be ungrateful for mine, its just today, right now, I dont know that I can take much more.

I am sorry that every time I post it is super negative, I just dont know where else to turn. I go to therapy, and that helps, but you all understand on such a different level. My friend has backed off cuz she just doesnt "get it" and I dont blame her. My family, well they are part of the problem, and here lately, I dont even want to be with my kids and that is the most horrible thing and makes me hate me even more. I just dont want to screw them up too.

My thereapist told me that if I cant be better right now i dont think i can be better. I guess that is true, but at the same time it isnt. I just want some hope. I want some hope, I dont want just more court dates and more ripping me apart on the stand and more visits for the kids and more seeing him around town acting as if life is grand.

I just wish I could curl up and press the stop button to this messed up thing called my life you know pick the "other" ending like you can with some movies. I dont know everything is just so scrambled in my head I am forgeting which way is up.

Emjbear

July 18, 2012 - 9:10am — Janie53

You have come so far and are scared;.tnis is understandable. Please, Hunter's analogy with the necklace is excellent. Take some deep breathes, take a pause and embrace each step forward you have made.

You were proactive and got B out of your home!

You went to court when you didn't think you could!

You were able to let the kids go with him for the weekend even though you were scared to death!

You have recognized, and this is HUGE, that your family is part of the PROBLEM!

You have trusted people and have asked for help!

And Emjbear, you reached out and helped me during a difficult time in my life.

Celebrate how far you have come and use this to help you continue to move forward. Hold our hands and let's go.

Stay true to you and thank you for being my friend!
xooxoxoxo

Janie

emjbear

July 17, 2012 - 8:19pm — onwithmylife

I am throwing out a curve ball, how about getting a new therapist, I am wondering if this one is not the one for you.Goldie is right enough about the' pity party,' it is YOUR life and we old timers have gone through the hell, you are not immune from what we went through, you only have his one life, DO NOT give it away to some MAN, PLEASE, no one is worth it!!!! i did not even have this site early on, i had Sam Vaknin's book and wore it out from reading so much....

I understand that sometimes members do NOT like to hear this

July 17, 2012 - 8:06pm — goldie

HOWEVER, the TRUTH of the matter is that YOU will get out of this experience, (THE PATH FORWARD), what YOU are willing to put into it.

I had a terrrible childhood, filled with a raging violent father, and a passive alcoholic mother which damaged and confused the shit out of me.

I was offered virtually NO support whatsoever in my life.

I was on my own and abused to boot.

Physically, sexually, and emotionally.

It was NOT pretty.

It was fake and took a tole on my self esteem. I spent years working on ME and educating myself on PD's, alcoholism, and RECOVERY.

I knew there was a problem in ME and I was damn well going to do whatever it took to get better and have a BETTER LIFE for me and my SON.

I worked like a dog to support myself and my son, ALONE with NO HELP from anyone.

I bought my own house educated myself in corporate Sales and made a decent living.

YET STILL something was just not right so I dugg deeper and deeper and began to find meaning in my life and began to look at ME.

I STOPPED concerning myself with the SICKO's of the world and began to get to know ME and appeciate my beauty and what makes me tick.

FUCK THE NARC. HE hurt you and abused you and the notion that you owe him anything is........

BULLSHIT.

STOP!!! HALT!!!

TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE AND LOOK WITHIN YOU!!!

STOP WITH THIS SHIT ABOUT HOW YOU OWE HIM SOMETHING.

YOU owe yourself something and your children something.

THAT IS IT for now.

This is about healing mode for you. Never mind the Narc. He is poison to you and to your system.

DO THE WORK and STOP WITH THE PITY PARTY about Narc.

You have ONE life to live and it better be for you and your children because if it is not.

YOU will surely repeat the cycle with your precious kids.

There is another group starting soon on Monday nights.

Stop with the EXCUSES and FUCK the TATTOO's.

JOIN the group, have the one on one and for GOD's SAKE for once in your life,

MAKE this about YOU and your recovery.

God bless,
Goldie

Goldie.

July 18, 2012 - 12:49pm — fallingfoward

your story gives me courage to keep moving forward.

xoxo
ff

GOLDIE

July 18, 2012 - 9:47am — Hunter

Well Said...

Hunter

Ditto, very well said

July 18, 2012 - 9:56am — spinning

and I hope EMJ will read this several times. Read it many times today and every day. I hope we all keep this in mind because it is the truth.

Goldie, again, you nailed it and I am so grateful for this post.

Love,
(not) spinning.

I'm no veteran like others here, but I feel your pain

July 17, 2012 - 5:16pm — TruthbeginsToday

You wanting to apologize is your denial system working well.You see, If it was YOU then none of the other stuff is real or true.You are exhausted and just want to make it all go away so you can rest. Your brain is wanting to go back to a perceived easier place.(the illusion)

You say you were broken to begin with. What does that mean?
To be quite truthful is really doesn't matter.We all have our issues.

You are important and worth being loved & protected.It sounds like you are shutting down. It happens but it's isn't permanent.It's normal to feel like you do following trauma.You are still in battle and so it will be very difficult to heal until you feel a bit more safe.

Your loving feelings will come back...you just need to heal right now and forget about everything else.

I took in "broken" children from very abusive lives. I did not harm them or use them. I loved them. I was patient with them and was there for them.

There are people that will harm and take advantage of such ones...and they are sick. Should we blame the children?

NEVER!

There is no excuse for HIM. Do NOT BE his excuse.You should have been loved. NOT harmed. There is no excuse for that.

I know how hard reality is sometimes...but it is the only way. It takes time.

lean on others for awhile..YOU got this far...rest up and strengthen.

Glad you posted.

Truth

Emj - give yourself a break

July 17, 2012 - 5:11pm — brinamarie

Emj - give yourself a break doll. you should be SO PROUD of yourself for coming on this site & having the courage to post. no one here should/can judge you! we've all had similar experiences. I think it's natural to want to isolate yourself. Being abused can make you feel so alone, like you're in a dark hole, going through the motions every day just to get through it.

You said you know you Should feel "lucky" you made it to this site when other women have not.. The way I think of it, we should all feel Lucky to be alive! These freaks are the Scott Petersons of the world. You never know what evil, cold hearted people are capable of. Its not just about finding out the truth, it's about Surviving!!

I don't have any children so I can't fully understand what you must be going through.. but I do know the amazing thing about kids, is that in their eyes (no matter how "fucked up" you think you are), to them - you are perfect. I hope you start to love yourself again & share that love with your children. They need you so much.

My mom was an abusive N... You are not an N, or else you wouldn't be on this site. Give yourself some credit & time to heal....

xoxox

Did you ever have as favorite

July 17, 2012 - 4:44pm — Hunter

Did you ever have as favorite necklace ?

I once had one with a delicate chain .. I was in a hurry .. I tossed it into the bottom of my bag .. I got home and HOLY SHIT !! I wrecked it., four letter words, tears , staring at this mess I created., FUCK .. How do I unravel this chain?? Ugh , what a shame .. I put it down walked away for a while ..a few days passed .. Maybe I should just toss it in the trash .. But .. Ugh .. It's my favorite piece of jewelry .. Little by little .. I get my shit together and I try to untangel this mess.,
Really it's seems hopeless .. Up , down inside out.. FUCK!!!its hopeless ..

Again, I put it aside , thinking " I should just Toss that in the trash" .. But it's my favorite..
Day by day piece by piece ..

OMG .. I think I may see a light to this puzzel .. It's a Lilttle kincked .. But maybe tomorrow I can go back and try again..

Wow .., I'm almost there .. Wham .. I just think I got it .. I finally found the right path to untangel this mess ... Wahooooo .. Happy Dance ... I fixed it .. Good thing I didn't toss it in the trash ..

Oh wait .. Darn a permiminate kinck in the chain.. I think I can wear that in the back..

I'll give a try .. I think it will work .. It looks pretty good even though it's been through a rough patch..

My co worker just passed .. " hey, Hunter I love that necklace" !!!
Wow .. a little hard work goes a long way ..

Emj., you just staring to unravel the chain ., give it a chance !!

Oxox
Hunter

Awesome, just

July 18, 2012 - 9:59am — spinning

awesome.

What a great, great analogy.

Thank you Hunter!

Love,
(not) spinning

You always know what to say

July 17, 2012 - 5:01pm — brinamarie

You always know what to say Hunter!

Thank God we have 5 moderators

July 18, 2012 - 9:23am — goldie

Because one of us will be sure to say something which clicks with the members.

Thanks,
Goldie

Yeah

July 17, 2012 - 5:06pm — Hunter

Tell my boss that !!! Hahaha

Thx
Hunter

Awesome Hunter, love this -

July 17, 2012 - 4:54pm — fern

Awesome Hunter, love this - such a great analogy and I have done the same thing with a favourite necklace, devastated and then a couple of days later I managed to fix it. Very like our down days.

Just needs time!

Hugs

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