Tiny Artist's Story

Just my story

I was married to a Narc for 16 years all told, our divorce was finalized this past September.

In the beginning of our relationship, I was just getting out of one bad marriage, he seemed to be all that and more. And I jumped in with both feet despite the reg flags that I can see so clearly now.

We separated many times during those years, then I moved with him to another state 500 miles away. I thought it would be a new start and we could really work on our marriage. But as you would have it, things got worse and we separated again, he moved 100 miles away, I wasn't able to afford the mortgage and lost the house. Despite his promises that he would pay the mortgage, he didn't.

It was just another control tactic, he thought I would follow him. He had many tactics that he used, but one in particular was that he would threaten me with divorce if I didn't tow the line. For a long time it was effective in putting me in my place.

I never could do anything right, I always waited to get yelled at for some perceived lack on my part. He treated everyone else better than he ever treated me.

In the end, we were separated and decided to have one last go at it. Then he confessed about an affair. I suspected for some time, there were a lot of clues, I just couldn't catch him since he was still living elsewhere. We would spend the weekends together as much as we could, since I had to work.

A month after his confession, he tells me that he lied about it to see what my reaction would be. I didn't believe him, mostly because he isn't that smart to come up with the details he did about this other woman.

In the last couple months, he treated me worse than ever, and I decided to just finally end it for good, and sold most of my things, packed the rest, put it in storage and moved the 500 miles back home. He filed for divorce when I left.

A month after I moved, he called to tell me that he loved me but was in love with someone else. Yeah, you guessed it, the other woman.

I was hurt, but at the same time relieved that his attention was elsewhere.

The following month, I met someone. I just thought we could be friends, he knew my whole family, I never heard a bad word about him, and I thought I could trust him.

We started going to dinner together, spending time together, and eventually we slept together. He was so very attentive in the beginning, loving, sweet and kind. I thought.

But then, he started backing off, then he would be back, it was back and forth for months. He would in one minute call me his girl, then tell me he wasn't ready for a relationship.

He was and I am sure he still is, getting a lot of attention elsewhere, he is a musician and has a lot of groupies. In the end he was just mean and said nasty things to me, after I snapped and told him he was just a user and lead me on. He didn't like that, he needs positive attention to feed his ego. How clearly I see him now, people think he is this great person, but he just uses them to boost himself up. He doesn't really give of himself, he is very self focused.

We have been completely NC for two months, which is fine by me.

My problem is that I don't trust myself to discern if a man is trustworthy. I jumped from one Narc to another, both exhibited red flags, but the red flags were different for each.

I am very depressed, although I try to combat it with positive thinking, affirmations, keeping busy with work and hobbies and spending time with friends and family. I don't let anyone see the depression or tell them.

Men ask me out on occasion, and I give them lame excuses. I am very guarded around men.

I have been talking to one man online, he is from my town, we seem to have a lot in common, he makes me laugh, but I still have my guard up, even though mutual friends tell us we would make a great couple.

I know I am not ready for coupledom, I have a lot of healing to do before I am ready for that so I am keeping it at a friend level.

I am so afraid of giving my heart again and being devastated once again. I am afraid of making the same mistakes again. I am not a young woman, I am in my late 40's, my children are grown, and I am basically alone.

I don't want my loneliness to push me into another relationship that is not good for me. And yet at the same time, I cry when I see other couples who are happy because I so long for one man to really love me. And I don't want to settle for less.

I don't know how to move on, or how to trust again. I don't know if my heart will ever be truly open again. I feel like I will always be alone, that there must be something wrong with me to attract these types of men.

Is this normal to feel this way?