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Help me to see! What happens????
MichelleH
Member since:
45 weeks 3 days
45 weeks 3 days
Last activity:
42 weeks 2 days
42 weeks 2 days
Help me to see! What happens????
Posted July 16, 2012 - 8:45pm
My husband is a Narc. He left me three times within 8 months of marriage. Each time he left he went to his ex-girlfriend who he has left a couple of times when they were a couple. The last time that they were a couple he left her dated and eventually met me and we got married. They were obviously communicating because she was very upset when she learned that we were married last summer. A couple of months into our marriage she contacted me via facebook and told me he comes to her home and tells her he loves her and her kids. She has also contacted his family members saying he has been sleeping with her and married to me. Why would she even want his ass? but she takes him in everytime he comes to her. I want everyone to understand that each time he left me, he gave me the silent treatment and then moved in with her. Now we are set for divorce in one month. at our last court date...June 5th, my attorney had the judge issue him a no contact order. So I have not heard from him and I have not contacted him. However, I hear he is having...THE GOOD LIFE. For those of you who have been through this already (this is still fresh for me only 3mos.) please, please tell me if you have any stories of what eventually happens with him and the other woman.
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He got nothing
July 17, 2012 - 8:40pm — MichelleHHi, He got nothing out of the marriage. He did not have me make big purchases in my name. He actually remodeled our bedroom and bathroom. He lost his job 2 weeks before the wedding.He had alot of time to sit and think about the OW.
Forever
July 17, 2012 - 4:54pm — agnesmurphy17Those two could be on-again & off-again for ever. She obviously wants him.
I'm curious. WHy did he marry you? WHat was in it for him? A 8 month marriage. Mine married me to raise the capital to buy a house above his financial means. After the marriage & purchase of the house, he started with the D&D immediately. Started threatening me with divorce within four months of the marriage.
I know with the first ex-wife, he was always threatening to leave her for almost 20 years of marriage. (I met her.) SOme people live like that forever.
GOOD GRIEF AGNES
July 17, 2012 - 9:26pm — neverlookbackThats SICK - married you to raise the capital to buy a house good thing the it didnt take long for the capital to raise and you got out after four months vs longer - well hey, they all have hidden agendas for our usefulness - he gave me the role of his little side whore - god it was such an honor - not much capital can be gained from that ha ha They are such scum
they repeat over and over the same relationship cycle
July 17, 2012 - 1:17am — no more an echoMichelleH,
You ask what eventually happens with Mr. NarcoPath and the other woman. I think you actually know the answer but you may not want to grasp how serious his disorder really is.
Below is an excerpt and link to one of my favorite articles on that topic:
"Because they suffer from incurable personality disorders, psychopaths repeat over and over the same relationship cycle, no matter whom they’re dating or for how long. Relationships with them are always castles–or, sometimes, marriages–built on sand..."
http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2010/12/22/the-psychopaths-rel...
You also wrote:
"However, I hear he is having...THE GOOD LIFE." Think again. Please read:
http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2012/05/12/narcboy-has-lot-prove-now-wer...
And because I so often forget that these Disordered Ones lack the capacity for love and empathy, they are COMPLETELY INCAPABLE of a normal relationship. I wrote this as a reminder of that to myself and others here:
http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2012/06/14/still-missing-mr-narc-still-b...
Really Michelle- stick around here and you will learn what SICK freaky CLONES of each other they all are! (And you WILL get your laughter back!)
Welcome!
p.s. Because they repeat over and over the same relationship patterns- and are UNABLE to learn from their past mistakes - some of us here have named that: LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT!
MichelleH, I was the OW . . .
July 16, 2012 - 11:34pm — JulietteSadly and regretfully, involved with a married man, on and off, for 2 years. :( It was long-distance and didn't see him much, but we communicated regularly. Biggest regret of my life, for sure--and once he divorced, I ended up moving to his state and we tried to have a "real relationship." Sweetie, there is no such thing as long-term happiness with a narc, and things ended just as badly as they started. When he left his wife and we started dating shortly after, he told everyone that I "was it." That he'd never been faithful to any woman in his life, but I was going to be the exception.
Right.
I don't know for sure that he cheated on me, but I would bet a lot of money that he did. He cheated on his wife of 10 years with AT LEAST 16 other women he told me. Somehow I got "lucky" and was the one he eventually ended up with, but in less than a year, he was calling me "abusive, passive aggressive, selfish, mean and nasty, and the one of the 2 of us with issues." I have no doubt I have issues--I never would have gotten involved with a married man if I didn't. And I'm addressing them now. But if it helps you stop obsessing about the OW in your situation, please rest assured that she will not make him happier, he will not love her more, and it will NEVER be a "better" relationship than the one you had hoped the two of you would have. These men do not change, and there is no riding off into the sunset with the OW. It might seem like that at first, but eventually what looks like a fairy tale turns into a nightmare.
And the cycle just keeps repeating, on and on and on. Be SO glad that you are free.
-Juliette
MichelleH
July 16, 2012 - 9:12pm — ruby01You can start here:
http://www.lisaescott.com/2011/10/31/ow-compliments-sparrow
Deidre is absolutely right -
July 16, 2012 - 9:12pm — JourneyDeidre is absolutely right - don't listen to what anyone else says about his so called 'good life' cause it's all for show and ain't real. I'm not sure what WILL happen with him and the other woman, but I can tell you what won't happen.
They WON'T have a happy relationship, she won't get what you always wanted from him, he won't really change for her (even if appearances seem he has), he won't stop cheating when opportunity arises and they won't EVER have a healthy relationship - THAT would be impossible.
Likely he will be discarding her again soon enough when another new supply source strikes his fancy. That is simply the way it works for a narc and no one has the power to stop that from happening, not even the narc himself, even if he truly wanted to try. Disorders don't just go away, a leopard can't change his spots. xo
Leopard never change their spots
July 16, 2012 - 10:55pm — survivaloftheheartAs I sit on the eve of 7 days before I am to stand before a judge from a TRO placed on me because my stbxNH kidnapped my kids.....that is asking for SOLE Custody imagine that for someone who stated he didn't want to have kids questioned our daughters paternity because HE was cheating....that is the statement that my mother made in 2007 "A Leopard Never Change Their Spots" that has come back to HAUNT me as I fight the biggest battle of my life. I am married and i too began as an OW due to his xwife cheating (and we wonder why) D&D during every pregnancy and a countless amount of other times.....I lived it they DO NOT CHANGE! I stayed as long as I did to prove my mother once and for all incorrect but it was her that I had to come back to and say u r right! His xwife when we 1st met said everyone thought they were the greatest couple but no1 knew the hell I was living in.....and i didn't listentoday she is geared in his favor to testify against me in court abt who knows what......but I CAN say I should have listened, triangulation is real and what looks good on the outside with him (with all that he portrays) is not the real him. So don't fret about the OW.....I don't lose an ounce of sleep....if she can handle what he dishes, God Bless! I TRULY wish them well....only thing that has me puzzled since he served me papers, he's clearly moved on why does he hate me SO much....I'm indifferent to that as well. For now I am looking forward for the madness to end....OW Good Luck! THEY NEVER DO CHANGE THEIR SPOTS....lesson learned!
Hate
July 18, 2012 - 10:20pm — PumpkinThey hate us because they no longer have control of us. Sucks to be them.
Revenge motiving for them? Im figuring out
July 17, 2012 - 12:55am — eyesopenedWhat you've been through already sounds so very tough. I will say a little prayer for you in advance of your court appearance. I wish I had words of wisdom as so many others do on this site. I'm just beginning to move forward in this journey.
I have learned that it's all about him...so he doesn't hate you...he loves revenge. See..even that is about him, thought it impacts you and your kids' lives tremendously.
My N has covertly (he has the power) exacted revenge on several by damaging their business reputations. He is in the process of doing it to others. When he finally bragged about it ( as a N will do) I was shocked at his vengeful nature. It doesn't lessen as time goes on. No matter what I'd say about forgiving, moving on, etc., he fed on discussing and plotting his revenge...on innocents. When I discovered the vastness of his cheating, he threatened my job. I have no doubt he could do it..somehow. I hope his huge arsenal of supply keep him so busy and stimulated that he doesn't get bored and come back to me.
He doesn't hate me...he cares nothing about me....he just loves the feeling of power that revenge gives him.
(I hope I reach the point soon where I stop wanting revenge on him. It so isn't fair. He gets away with it all and loves his life. And I feel awful for wasting more of my life thinking about him.)
I'd just like to point out......
July 17, 2012 - 3:10am — Peeksfor what it is worth, you finished your post by saying 'it so isn't fair, he gets away with it all and loves his life' -
ANYONE who is filling their precious days exacting revenge, cheating, threatening people and their jobs because he CAN is NOT LOVING THEIR LIFE. He might be enjoying the drama, reveling in a sense of fake power,losing the plot over how awesome, powerful and 'successful' he is -BUT he is NOT, NOT,NOT loving his life.
But if YOU want and choose to - YOU can love YOURS in a way he wouldn't even know how to scratch the surface of - poor little insignificant dickhead.
These are the actions of a deeply unhappy soul who is desperately scraping around trying to find the way to a happy life and getting it SO woefully off the mark it is tragic.
You do not have to be a mastermind to understand that the secret to TRULY loving your life is not through the willful intention of hurting others, bringing them down and causing them harm.
Call it anything you want - but it most certainly isn't loving your life........
That's where I'm stuck
July 18, 2012 - 9:34pm — eyesopenedI want that to be true...that he is deeply unhappy. I want him to be tormented. I want him to feel empty every second he spends with his various sugar babies. I want him to get what he gives. I want someone other than me ( and one of his sisters)to know his cruelty.
I shouldn't be even spending MY precious days thinking about him. I'm only 1 week out (one slip on contact). I think I'm over the shock...that was painful..the tears..the memories..the obsession. Anger..the next phase? Wanting him to suffer somehow...the next phase? Though logically I know he cannot feel.
To "normals" his is a tormented life...a life we could never live. To the NP, it's gratifying. He knew my pain, he saw my pain, he caused my pain. He felt nothing...perhaps satisfaction. He feels like his is a great life. Since he doesn't feel remorse or empathy, he
is living a great life in his mind so it that real? Or is that tormented? He has no stress financially, he has others to do the menial tasks, he has friends who think he is super (his false self is fun and funny), he has gorgeous women chasing him and etc, he has the respect of many promenient people, his work is satisfying. Can he really be unhappy...since he cannot feel remorse for the harm he's done to those he thinks slighted him?
I prefer your view...that he is deeply unhappy.
Also, yes, yes....I can live a life he can never imagine. I wish it would come sooner than later. I am getting therapy...but it's still about 50/50 with thoughts of him and ME.
Thanks Peeks for your insight.
Why does she she want his
July 16, 2012 - 8:59pm — HunterWhy does she she want his ass??
I don't know I guess I could ask you the same question..
Hunter
I don't!
July 16, 2012 - 9:25pm — MichelleHI took him back because I didn't know that he was staying with another woman. He lost his job and when he left the first time for four days, I thought it was due to pressure and depression due to the job. 7 weeks after he came back he left again and it was for maybe 3 days. I knew about her that time. I guess I still attributed him leaving to his financial situation plus we were and still are newlyweds and I was trying to save our marriage and we did go to counseling. This last time was it. So to answer your question, I took him back twice to save my new marriage. I had no idea about his narcissistic problem at that time. This last episode has shown me more of those traits. I guess I just wanna know how can someone place so much misery on another and live so happily ever after.
"I guess I just wanna know
July 16, 2012 - 9:34pm — Journey"I guess I just wanna know how can someone place so much misery on another and live so happily ever after."
HE CAN'T!!! If he is a real narc, that would be impossible. So you can stop wondering about that now and KNOW it is the truth. Much peace of mind for you will follow that knowledge. xo
My point is.. What he did to
July 16, 2012 - 9:33pm — HunterMy point is.. What he did to you he's doing to her..
We are all the OW..
Hunter
I know
July 16, 2012 - 10:09pm — MichelleHI know, you are so right. I'm still devastated and my thinking and logic is not on point. I guess I'm just waiting for some real proof that she is or will suffer too. I want to see if he will eventually crack up himself. He always want to humiliate others, just want him to endure humiliation just like I had to.
Hunter, good point
July 16, 2012 - 9:44pm — Jenna HOr we're the OOW, or maybe even the OOOW! Ugh.
Yes
July 17, 2012 - 6:39am — neverlookbackThere you go, that is more like it - OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!! Now find yourself in all those O's lol
What happens when you marry a
July 16, 2012 - 8:53pm — Deidre99What happens when you marry a cheater?
You marry a cheater.
He'll do the same to her, and/or she will do the same to him.
That. Is what will happen.
I'm sorry for your pain. I know this is hard.
Advice for you ....REMOVE OUT OF YOUR LIFE ANYONE WHO IS PALS WITH THIS ASSHOLE, AND WHO FEELS THE NEED TO TELL YOU HIS NEXT MOVE. I don't care who it is. Remove him/her/them.
The judge told him to have no contact, and when you hear this news, that court order mind as well not even be in place.
You don't need to hear about this man's whereabouts with whomever.
And if people think the ''good life'' means a man abandoning his family to take up with another woman...they need a new defintion.
Stay classy. Stay strong.
Thank you
July 16, 2012 - 9:01pm — MichelleHThanks Deidre99, He tells everyone we know that I'm a lunatic and I feel so ashamed and embarrassed but I have not retaliated I am staying cool and classy but hoping that one day people will see him for what he really is.
She'll be the first to see
July 16, 2012 - 9:09pm — Deidre99She'll be the first to see who he really is. ;) Trust me on that one.
Narcs spread lies. What you're going through is very normal, sadly, in the aftermath of dating/being married to one.
You're gonna get through this...keep the faith.