The new woman

letting go

Member since:
48 weeks 3 days

Last activity:
31 weeks 7 hours

The new woman

Posted July 15, 2012 - 9:15pm

Does it mean that the new woman is better than me? Did he choose her over me because he likes her more?

I feel so worthless. One week he was saying how we should start seeing each other more regularly, that he feels comfortable and relaxed with me and then out of the blue he ended it but then a few days later he wanted me again. He even parked outside my place and called me from there asking me to stay over. He told me he was damaged and not good for me but then I heard he got with someone else a few days later! He'd said how he'd be there for me still but he hasn't and it hurts so much that he's with this other woman now.

I'm so new to all this and feel so lost some days still.

No

July 23, 2012 - 3:15pm — TruthbeginsToday

This does not mean that she is better than you.

IT means that YOU are better than HIM. He is a CON. Be glad that you got away!

Read...there are so many posts about this subject. You will see things MUCH differently after you read them.

(hug) for your pain....I'm so sorry that you are suffering.
He is an evil *&%$#! for doing that to you.

Truth

No she's not better

July 22, 2012 - 9:24pm — Dee30

My exbf triangulated his ex gf and me many times I've seen the hoover attempt he did with me and her back and forth and now tiiangulating his new wife and me. If she was better why is always trying to get with me? My exbf would dump me for his exgf then he would dump her for me. He did it in a cold fashion to her as well, without a care in the world. She was pretty too. I'm good looking as well, they don't care. Supply is supply. He doesn't like her more. we r just objects. I think that at times too, maybe she is better than me, but really u could be the hottest chick on the planet but u would still eventually get D&Ded, that's just how these freaks operate. But I've seen him dump good looking chicks and just go back and forth between us supply. Keep your head up. Don't think you are not good enough. YOU ARE, it's THEM that are nutjobs.

Thanks for the encouragement.

July 22, 2012 - 10:10pm — letting go

Thanks for the encouragement.

When he asked those questions through text I said I'd call him and then he just said 'no'. Since then I've not heard much from him at all. I don't know what that really means. To be asking those questions and to appear playful like that then just snap and ignore, not that I've tried talking much. So I don't know if he just doesn't have any use for me now or if she's told him not to talk to me or he just isn't out of respect for her. It has me really hurting.

Hope you are reading our blogs

July 18, 2012 - 9:13pm — goldie

http://www.lisaescott.com/2012/04/10/pd-happy-now-ow-he-looks-happy-and-...

We have all spent hours and hours writing all these blogs located on the left side of the page here.

We have Lisa's blogs, Goldie's blogs, and the Mod Squad blogs.

There is much in there regarding the OW and a host of other subjects relating to our recovery here on the forum.

Do yourselves a favor and read them when you have the time.

God bless,
Goldie

Hard as it is

July 18, 2012 - 9:02am — Reason2Believe

please don't think the OW or NW is getting anything better from him. If it appears she is, rest assured, it will all come to a crashing end for her, too. How long will it be? Depends on how tolerant of his shit she is or how much she "has" that he wants.

I was with Wanna B for nearly 7 years, with 7 break ups.Long story short,in Feb 2012 he D&D'd me, went on to NW who happened to be OS from 12 years ago. They have been together since April and continue to celebrate their "reunion" on FB. I "watched" for awhile, but no longer do...I got enough of what was going on.

He is all smiles, "happy" talk, over the top, taking her same places we went, riding high on his "find". Guess what? That was me 7 years ago. The only exception is that our relationshit was played out in privacy and dignity, and only shared with true family and friends...as in the way "adults" behave. I believe he is exposing everything on FB now so that his family and friends can "see" how happy he is with NW, because they still can't believe he ditched someone like me. He will pull out all stops to make this last as long as he can hold out or she pushes for more than he can handle. He certainly does not want to have this fizzle too quickly. It's all about his ego, and always has been.

The funny part, is that if he is trying to make me jealous, it isn't working. In fact, I am disgusted by his choice of NW. For God's sake, he could have at least made a lateral move!..LOL..instead he went to trailer trash and now I am embarrassed that I was ever with someone who has such low standards and now acts so inappropriately.
If there was ever even the slightest chance that I would ever take him back, the ship has sailed because of his poor choice of new supply! He did me the ultimate favor by going to her.

This said, I know her fate and actually feel sorry for her. She is giving him more attention and adoration than I ever would have considered giving to a human being. She has her friends and family fawning over him. He is the center of all of their attention.He has a big group of adoring fans. She may not realize this just yet, but he is not just dating her, he is dating ALL of them.

When he tires of this or she demands more than he is willing to give...he will tell her that he needs time to sort things out. He needs a break because he has to take care of his mother and concentrate on his music. He will tell her that he will call her in a few weeks when his head is together. He will ask her to be patient and not call him. He will assure her that it has nothing to do with her, it is all his problem. He will thank her for her patience and understanding. He will exit like a gentleman, leaving her feeling sorry for him and his issues.

In a few weeks or months, he will resurface and tell her he has been in therapy and is feeling better. He will ask if they can try again. She will be so glad to hear his voice she will say yes, and this time she will give even more to him because he is trying SO hard. What is it that they say here on this board...lather, rinse, repeat?

After so many of these "repeats", she will finally grow tired of his shit. He will notice her witholding and her discontent. Then he will let the boom fall. She will not know what hit her. She will spin out of control. She will cry, rage, get depressed.She will wonder what she did or didn't do to deserve this treatment. She will wonder who he is now with and what NW is giving him that she couldn't. After all, didn't she do cartwheels for him and cater to his wants and needs? Then it will occur to her that it was a one way street. It was always on his terms and his time frame. Yes,he tossed an occasional crumb (oh, remember that weekend in Baltimore?) to keep her hopes alive. Now she lies in the gutter and feels like dog shit. Hopefully she will find her way here or to another source of therapy before she waste anymore of her life on him. She hurts so badly.

Will he then call me again? Of course he will. Will I answer? NFW! Will he try her again? Probably. Will she go back? Hopefully not, but who knows. Do you get the pattern?

So we finally come to the end of my story.It is not easy to look back and see what I accepted and allowed in my life. I realize this is now about me allowing this poor behavior and treatment. I confess to being in a difficult place in life when this took place and am trying to go just a bit easier on myself. But, there are still times that I could flog myself for putting up with his shit and not being strong enough to tell him to go fuck off for good. I needed an escape and was willing to put up with such neglectful behavior, but NEVER AGAIN. I am too good of a person to be mistreated and manipulated..and so are you.

Trust me and others here...they (dis0rdereds) are all the same, just different packaging. Keep reading posts, blogs, books. This nonsense begins to make sense. You deserve more than being kept on the hook for sex and empty promises.There is nothing good about him for you or anyone else.

Hugs,

Reason

People have told me how I

July 18, 2012 - 6:09pm — letting go

People have told me how I should feel sorry for the new woman. The way he said how he should get an older woman and then he just had one has made me think that he just needed the right woman though.

The thing that has really hurt is his lying and abandonment and getting with her so soon and shoving it in my face.

I keep wondering if he just can't have anything to do with me now because of our history or out of respect for her, even though he did say some sexual things to me while with her but then he stopped.

It's not normal is it to end it with a woman and then a week later for him to tell me he's not good for me and that he should find an older woman but also suggest sex with me but not that night because he was too tired, then say he'd talk soon and then without telling me put another woman in a relationship for all to see?

Happens All the Time

July 19, 2012 - 9:05am — agnesmurphy17

What this man is doing is called "keeping you on the back burner." He's making sure that if NW doesn't work out, he can come back to you. N cannot be alone for a minute.

Many Ns shove NW into the face of the old supply. Makes for jealousy. The old supply grovels. This makes N feel empowered. And, if NW doesn't work out. Well, you should not complain because you begged him to come back & you tolerated his cheating.

I wonder what took him so long? One week! Heck! Most Ns have the NW all lined up before they leave. Actually, I'd say you have no idea when he started with this NW. Or was there one or several before her. Ns lie so much.

I really don't know when he

July 20, 2012 - 5:27am — letting go

I really don't know when he met her or what went on. He went on a dating site, I know that and he told me that he had a date lined up with another woman that wasn't this new woman so that didn't work then he had this one. So whether he had this new one but was still looking or only found her the same week after the other one didn't work.

It is possible he was cheating. I just don't know.

While he was seeing me he mentioned that if he were to date an older woman he could probably still come see me! But not long before that he said he was a one woman man! That's something that has hurt too even though I wouldn't want to be caught in a triangle, just that if he said he could come see me too, he hasn't. He said he cares for her and then sent me some messages then just quit.

I was SO angry when I read the facebook status. I didn't show him how I felt though. I didn't beg or cry to him. I don't know what he'd think of that. I tried being a friend to him since I cared about him so much by just saying I hope he's okay, not much at all. I don't know what he would think of me.

Letting Go

July 18, 2012 - 8:50pm — Reason2Believe

you need to start reading and keep reading. They all do these crazy things. Of course it makes no sense that they can have such an amazing time with you and then take up with another so quickly. They are sick, disordered, whatever you want to call it. They do not think, feel the way we do. We are all objects to them,not living, breathing, feeling human beings.

Your N left you for an older woman and keeps telling you that to make you feel badly about yourself. My jerk went to a younger woman and is broadcasting how happy he is with her all over FB. Knowing what I know now (from readling, reading, reading) it would not have mattered if she was older, younger, thinner,heavier, prettier, uglier, smarter, dumber, quieter, louder,etc. than me. He was "bored" with me and needed new, fresh supply. The NW is jumping through hoops to make him feel wonderful. She thinks she has a diamond and he will let her continue to think that until he can't hide his real self any longer.

Spend time reading the different posts. No one has written saying that they went back and are living happily ever after. No narc has turned his life around and has earned the boyfriend, husband of the year award.

Of course we all tried to analyze the crap out of what he said, how he said it, what he meant, what he didn't mean. The bottom line is that he didn't treat you the way you deserve and he does not deserve you. The OW will soon be experiencing the same treatment as you. In fact, he will probably tell her that he is going to find a younger woman, just to try and make her feel badly about herself.
They are all EVIL.

Hugs,
Reason

Thank you for all the

July 19, 2012 - 6:38am — letting go

Thank you for all the support. I have a good psychologist I'm seeing but it's difficult to talk about it to other people, most of my family have been really good and have helped me through times where I really felt like ending it because of the pain from missing him and been hurt and abandoned by the one I trusted gets to be so much.

He did tell me early on (after he had had me though) about how he might need to date older women later on but the night before then he said that he's not going anywhere. He was very inconsistent and was going through difficult times but it's no excuse to treat me the way he has. Oh and after he told me about maybe needing to date older women he brought me up high again only to drop me. But of course, he hurt me further by saying how he'd be there for me still and he's been rude since.

The pain gets so much because I like myself and think I have a lot to offer and he can't even be nice to be as a friend or a fellow human. I loved him and still do even though I also hate him. It's very hard and tiring feeling both strong emotions at the same time.

And even though I know he treated me poorly it makes it worse thinking that maybe I just wasn't what he wanted and it's too complicated for him now so he got rid of me and if that's the case then is that okay for him to do?

As much as I am reminded and really try it's still so hard to think it was about him. And even though I can see he mistreated me it's like I question whether his hands are just tied now because he's with her.

Please Read!! You're new and

July 16, 2012 - 9:24am — Hunter

Please Read!! You're new and the answers to most of your questions have been addressed ..

Its best to Read,Read,

We are all the OW..

Hunter

Women & the narc

July 16, 2012 - 4:52am — Brit

To understand really how they see women will help you along. They don't think of us as being a unique individual. They don't believe that we have feelings and needs that matter. They are indifferent to our needs. What they do is assess how useful we may be to them and how they can extract that from us to quench their particular thirst.

If you are wealthy and they need financial support you are good enough. If they need a partner for sex and you are up for it, great. If you are a good listener, they will use your ear. If you are a beauty, this is an ego boost for them as they have landed a woman desired by many. Whatever you have to offer and give freely will be taken from you. If you are a woman with multiple assests and qualities, then they have hit the jackpot. Plenty supply from you in all it's glorius forms.

Eventually we realise that maybe things are unbalanced, well hang on, I think maybe you should have considered me for a change... What? says the narc, I have put in effort here to make you serve me, I have blah blahed my way into your pathetic little life to get what I want, and now you are telling me, I have to work harder to get what I want. That's not gonna happen. You should be
grateful I show up now and again and try to get you back into submission. Haven't you realised that from the minute I met you I have been working you over, so that I can get what I want?

Oh well, this game has become too hard, this bitch thinks she owns me, she expects me to love her, she won't dance to my tune anymore. Ok I'll just find someone that will. Replaceable,
interchangeable, i'll tell myself she is a bit boring after anyway. She was ok, but now she wants whatever, well no, this other one is easier to get things from. Turn on the old charm, boy, you still got it, reel in the next one, oh look model number 008 is calling, begging, haha, she still needs me, haha, she still wants me, haha, ain't gonna give her anything, those aren't the rules. New girl is all over me, she is swooning about how great I am, ok new game on.

Eventually model 009 starts playing up, as he knew she would, so 008 gets a little look in. Let's find out if 008 has remembered how lovely I am. Let's see if she will play with me. No? Oh well back to the candy store to choose the new model, or maybe model 006 is still around. I'm not fussy any one will do as long as I get what I want.

Brit x

Replaceable

July 19, 2012 - 9:20am — agnesmurphy17

We are all replaceable. Exactly. And that's hard to accept.

Mine had a NW pronto when I left him. But, she refused to give him money to buy out my share of the house. So, he kept NW a secret from me but tried to get me to come back so the house would not be sold in the divorce.

But the day his parents wired him the money to buy me out, he wrote he wanted a divorce ASAP because I don't want to work on the relationship. (Meanwhile he's engaged to NW & living with her in the house he co-owns with me. This is month 2 of their romance.)

However, in our Separation Agreement, he structures in 90 days to get a mortgage from a bank to buy me out. But he knows he's been rejected for a mortgage & he's already got the money from his parents in an account to buy me out. So much for the speedy divorce to marry NW. He wants to exert control over me & the money until the last day in the Agreement for the payout.

So he drags out the divorce. Three weeks before the court date for the divorce, he phones me. He wants to see me. To reconcile. Long e-mails. He loves me. He even said: "Come back & take your place. No questions asked." I thought, like an object on a shelf that was missing for awhile, found, & put back.

Well, I said no. Then I never heard from him. He shows up at the divorce looking fantastic & beaming. About a month later I was contacted by the woman who had been living with him. The week he phoned me shortly before the divorce, she had left him! Actually, she had left 32 hours or less before he was calling me.

Everything I learned in this post about the parents buying him out was from her. But she did not know the bank rejected his mortgage application. She was stunned by the e-mails seeking reconciliation because the bank rejected the mortgage. He proposed to her within the first month of meeting because he wanted her to buy into the house. Silly her! She thought that she was the love of his life!

Anyhow, by the time of our divorce date . . . he was already with yet another NW! And I would later fully realize that when I started with him . . . he had also just ended with another woman. One or the other, we are all interchangeable. It's all about what can they extract from you. There are so many single women over the age of 35 out there. These men can pick & chose. Any man who says he wants a relationship will find a woman fairly pronto.

Replaceable

July 19, 2012 - 9:20am — agnesmurphy17

We are all replaceable. Exactly. And that's hard to accept.

OMG Brit!

July 19, 2012 - 5:23am — sweetpeasarah

EXACTLY how it is! you put it brilliantly!
We are all just NUMBERS to them, whoever plays the game at the time.
in the case of my ex toad, he did'nt even have to worry about muddling names, he had that sussed, just called everyone 'babe' or 'girl'!! think he only called me by my real name about 3 times in 3 years!!
god they make me sick!
xx

Awesome post Brit! This is so

July 17, 2012 - 9:36pm — LoserFree

Awesome post Brit!
This is so helpful for anyone trying to wrap their head around the Narcs crazy behavior!! The way you explained it from "HIS" point of view was spot on!!

I'm sure you gave many a light bulb moment tonight!!

This post should be in the favorites!!

LoserFree :)

That really makes a lot of

July 16, 2012 - 6:09am — letting go

That really makes a lot of sense. The only thing though is I don't know what I did to cause it. I mean, I didn't put demands on him.

Right before he ended it he was excited I was staying over and would see him off to work in the morning and then during the evening he just ended it when he was having problems sexually. He then wanted me again but then decided he should find an older woman because he's not good for me. He told me how he'd be there and would help me out and hugged me so big and said nice things and how he'd talk to me soon but since then he's actually been rude to me and shoved this new woman in my face. He was not consistent during the relationship either so now that he has her I get anxious that he is everything for her that I wanted for me.

You did nothing. You will

July 18, 2012 - 9:15pm — kpc

You did nothing wrong. You will read over and over on here how the same thing happened - unexplained. Mine was texting me every 5 minutes, telling me how beautiful and sexy I was, leaving me voice messages at 3 a.m. to tell me he missed me and then 3 days later....doing the D&D dance.

It is part of their cycle, their game. Really key for you to believe that it has NOTHING to do with you. It is NOTHING you said or did not say, did or did not do. It is their cycle their game. They are unordered, sick, and dead inside. They can "out with the old and in with the new" without batting an eye. They then work the cycle and repeat. My EXn is 46 and still working this game. I get it now. I did not when I was in it.

Hang in there and keep reading. There are so many wonderful people on this site to help and to share. I feel like I have turned a corner here, am very supported and you will too.

xx KPC

Letting go

July 16, 2012 - 6:31am — Brit

You don't know what you did to cause the discard, even though you have wracked your brains, it makes no sense, all you did was love him, trust him and miss the big red flags.

The flags were there, but our inner voice only whispers to us at first, when our guts start shouting, that's when we run if we can.

Perhaps you didn't listen to the voice, perhaps your tummy didn't churn enough, but believe me the signs must have been there. A normal person does not get up one morning in a happy relationship and by the evening, just toss it away and move straight on to OW.

My guess is he has the Madonna/whore complex. Only a guess as I am not an expert. Lisa has a blog on this site. See if it fits???

Sending you strength & hugs

Brit x

Well a few days after he

July 16, 2012 - 6:35am — letting go

Well a few days after he ended it he was talking to me very sexually on the phone. I was in disbelief. The things he was saying were very odd then a week later he's with her. It breaks my heart.

It's the sex thing

July 16, 2012 - 6:51am — Brit

Can't get it up (sorry to be blunt) unless he is doing a whore. Classifies women into two types of sexual objects. Very mixed up man.

Honey the info is on this site, you will see how it is no way your fault. Sounds like you were not exposed to too much of the real man, rather had the sugar coated version.. He shows you now. Take a good look.

I know your heart breaks for him, I thought my heart beat only for my ex, until I realised who he was. I thought it was my fault. It's a classic narc trick.

We walk along side you on this journey, stay close here to learn, it will all make sense. You don't know it yet, but I believe you have dodged a bullet.

ps I hate all narcs, and the pain they inflict upon us.

Brit x

Freakin' awesome post. This

July 16, 2012 - 5:32am — Froglegs

Freakin' awesome post. This sums it up perfectly.

Brit this is great! what a

July 16, 2012 - 5:14am — tootsgee

Brit this is great! what a brilliant way to describe the game.... thank you!

I'm sorry, Letting Go

July 15, 2012 - 10:26pm — fearlessfemale

I am so sorry for your pain.
I am sorry that he lied to you, hurt you, abused you and eventually abandoned you. I am telling you this because you ARE WORTHY and he most likely will not ever tell you this, nor will he apologize and if he does it will not be sincere, only words to make him "appear" to be a good guy.

Your feelings are common...but it is due to the abuse he
has subjected you to.

PLEASE KNOW THIS!
YOU ARE WORTHY AND DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU DIFFERENTLY!

He is a sick, dark-hearted person.
He is right about one thing...he is damaged and no good for ANYONE...not just you. Of course, this is a cop-out as well. He is trying to gain your sympathy so you wont hate him for his apparent cruel ways. He doesn't want to lose your admiration aka supply for him.

Read all you can...buy Lisa's book, do the steps, talk to Goldie...join the groups sessions. The more active you are in your healing the faster you will gain understanding and start to feel better again.

-fefe

Why would he say he's damaged

July 16, 2012 - 5:57am — letting go

Why would he say he's damaged to me but tell me that he thinks an older woman would be better? Was he worried about what I thought of him? I mean he is damaged but he can get with someone else so quickly and move forward with her so quickly, as though he's not damaged to be able to do that with her. It makes me think she's this amazing person to bring that out in him so fast. It makes me think that she's getting the good side and the man I fell in love with because she's better than me.

because

July 16, 2012 - 7:58pm — neverlookback

that damage bullshit is just a pity ploy to manipulate you - the other woman is not better because she is "older" that is also BULL S H I T !!!!

Oh and there is NO GOOD SIDE to a psychopath - remember that

What does it mean how he said

July 17, 2012 - 8:48pm — letting go

What does it mean how he said that he cares for the new woman enormously? Unless he was lying, he'd only known her a couple of weeks. A few weeks after he said that he was asking me sexual questions but then he was rude to me and since he hasn't asked to see me or called me it feels like he's just happy with her now and has no use for me. I keep thinking he's this other man that I didn't get to see because I didn't bring it out in him but she does.

I keep thinking he's this

July 17, 2012 - 9:08pm — neverlookback

I keep thinking he's this other man that I didn't get to see because I didn't bring it out in him but she does.

You made this above statement - so do you think this woman will be able to fix him? That she has the power to change his pathological behavior? Pathology is permanent = there is no cure, and no fix and no human alive or another person or woman that can fix it or change it.

He states he cares for this new woman enormously - do you think a good man that cares for a woman sincerely would be asking another woman (such as yourself) sexual questions a few weeks later? You must focus on what he DOES not what he SAYS, stop and look at his behavior - and never believe ONE WORD they utter - its all method acting and LIES, I can tell you right now that telling you he cares about this OW is a LIE because if he is a psychopath they dont care about ANYONE - he is triangulating, its classic and they all do it - you need to get him out of you life NC and leave him to care about this woman "enormously" what a joke - I can see right through this one's games he is no match for me -
I am sorry you are tormented about this - he is NO GOOD, and nothing good will ever become of having a relationship with him for anyone - hugs

Thanks. It's just so hard. It

July 17, 2012 - 9:17pm — letting go

Thanks. It's just so hard. It hurts so much. When he asked me those questions through text I answered him then he asked it again as though to get more out of me so I sent him a message I'd call him that night. 5 hours later I got a message from him just saying 'no'. I cried for two days straight after that. Why would he be so concerned with my sexual life then just say no like that? Because he hasn't tried talking to me again or acted like he's needed me or anything it has me picturing that she really is making him happy and he just can't talk to me now because of her.

I trusted him. He said he wasn't going to disappear now. He even wanted me again then changed his mind. He then said about getting an older woman and told me he'd still be there for me but instead he's been rude and slapped me in the face with putting her on facebook without even telling me first anything about her then sending me that message.

I'm going to counselling in an hour but I've already been seeing a psychologist and they all say the same thing, that he's not a nice person, but I can't seem to get past the thought that maybe he just wasn't nice to me because he didn't like me enough and I was just a toy and she's the real thing.

WOW

July 17, 2012 - 9:39pm — neverlookback

You have a very LOW opinion of yourself = he has really caused you to doubt yourself and your worth - mine also did that to me. One thing you must stop doing is comparing yourself to others - DONT DO THAT, YOU are the REAL THING and never forget that - I am glad you are in counseling; I was too for almost a year - this man is a rotten person and there was nothing you did wrong to warrant him treating you like this - he is a selfish, sick mean prick!!!! SHE CAN HAVE HIM - let her have him, You need to work on YOU = getting yourself stronger and feeling good about yourself - would you really want someone that was like this? That treats people this way? You need to get to a place in where you KNOW you have always deserved better than this, and YOU DO but this takes WORK, and you will have to work at it VERY HARD - but once you do the work, it something nobody can ever take away from you. HUGS

Sometimes I do feel so

July 18, 2012 - 4:10am — letting go

Sometimes I do feel so worthless if he doesn't want me or if I added no value to his life for him to now be so rude to me and give this other woman a relationship so quickly. It really is that feeling of comparing myself to her. And since she's older and that was the main thing he said then it's like everything's okay for him now and he just can't talk to me now because I'll get in the way or he has no use for me.

I actually really like myself. I like my life and think I have a lot to offer. That's why it hurts more, I can't pin point something other than the age or if there's something about me that makes him not be able to connect with me.

Thank you all for being there so much. I'm so lost sometimes. I really miss him too despite him causing me so much pain. It seems so messed up! And I think it's that thought that he could be the man I wanted - someone who is consistent and caring - but can only be that man for the right woman and she is and I'm not, I don't even get a nice word anymore.

goldie's blog on this is brilliant!

July 16, 2012 - 6:05am — tootsgee

http://www.lisaescott.com/2012/04/10/pd-happy-now-ow-he-looks-happy-and-...

its not about you .. its all about him..... xx

letting go please read this

July 15, 2012 - 9:24pm — LoserFree

letting go please read this article. I think it will help you.

You will find many related posts in the 1-3 forum and Goldie and the mods blogs. Also, check the favorites section located in the 1-3 forum.

http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/the-other-woman-now-hes-happy-with-her

LoserFree

Very interesting...

July 15, 2012 - 10:09pm — fearlessfemale

excellent reminder.

from now on when I start imagining (obesessing) how wonderful he/she are doing, I will read this article again.

they both are psychopaths/narcissist...my therapists seems to feel this will be a most interesting relationship, that's for sure.

I am going to try with all my might to turn the focus back on my own health and well being.

Thank you,
-fefe

Thanks so much. I feel like

July 15, 2012 - 9:30pm — letting go

Thanks so much. I feel like I'm in despair trying to deal with this.

Use the power of your mind

July 16, 2012 - 12:24pm — Snowflake

Use the power of your mind to help you not set you back.

Your mind can either help you or hinder you depending on your thoughts...if you dont have to see him again then tell yourself he is dead, think of the OW as crap in bed...whatever..my point is that whatever you think has no impact on them but it does impact you.

It hurts like hell but let me tell you it does get better...I am living proof of it...and honestly only a few months ago I thought I would die of heartbreak.

If you want to work on yourself then google positive psychology. Its a relatively new idea and differs from looking at past issues x

Thanks. I will try. The last

July 16, 2012 - 6:15pm — letting go

Thanks. I will try.

The last I saw him he said he was damaged so thinks he needs an older woman, said he'd be there for me still, that he'd talk to me soon, hugged me big, said nice things, wanted sex even that night but said he was too tired! He's been rude since and cruel. He told me for the new woman he met that he cares enormously for her after he'd only met her.

I don't know why he can be so cruel when I haven't done anything. He made it seem like I have no feelings and that I'm not up to his standards but she is so quickly. I've just been in disbelief at his whole behaviour through the time I've known him. I did get some red flags but I was already attached to him so it made it harder because I cared so much.

But now with the new woman it's this sinking feeling that she's better than me and I only deserve to be treated rudely and if she's the best then she'll get his good side, which makes me think I must have been bad or not good enough to get it.

OW Obsessing

July 20, 2012 - 8:57am — abandonedandhurt

I hear your pain and I have the same pain. I was D&D'd for the OW and he was very cruel to me when he left me. I gave him 4 more opportunities for D&D after he left me by texting him and writing him just to be ignored, and going to his office just to be shown the door,and they hurt like hell. He never came back to me even though I prayed he would. I obsessed over what he was doing with the OW, how I knew he was showering her with attention and affection like he did with me when we were in the honeymoon phase. He has their happy hugging smiling pictures plastered all over FB, and it hurts so I do not look anymore. It is like I never existed for him, like he never loved me, or made the promises he did, and we were supposed to get married next month. I am replaced and erased. It has been 5.5 months for me now since he left me.
My point to you is this. HE DOES NOT DESERVE MY HURT, ATTENTION, OBSESSING, LOVE, OR ANY OTHER FEELING FROM ME AND NEITHER DOES YOUR EX N. You need to try very hard to bring yourself back into the present moment when you start to think about him and OW. When you think about them, ask yourself what am I doing right now? I am holding a cup of coffee, I am watering my plants, I am.....fill in the blank. This will force you from the past and into the present moment. HE IS THE PAST. I had to do this 1000 times a day! I still do but it's decreasing. I KNOW how hard and painful it is, but the truth is THEY DO NOT CARE ABOUT US! THEY DO NOT THINK ABOUT US! So why do we torture ourselves obsessing over and missing someone who does not care about us the way we deserve? These are very important questions to ask yourself and to work on. I KNOW it hurts to start to believe that someone who won your heart over can turn around and stomp on it without a glance backwards. But they are DISORDERED and DO NOT CARE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS. I am not hollering at you, I feel for you. I care about what is happening to you, we ALL do here. She will get the same treatment from him in time. you can count on that. Do not be jealous of her. Someone wrote to me on here a smart thought, the only thing she has that you do not have is MISERY COMING. Remember that, make it your mantra when you obsess over her.YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH AND MORE! HE IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. You have real love to give to someone who deserves you. He never will. He will repeat and repeat this behavior and he will hurt many others on his way. She is only getting the good side for the moment and it isn't REAL because he isn't capable of true love the way we healthy people know it.
NC is the only way. Do not do what I did and learn the hard way. Don't give him more opportunities for D&D which will keep you stuck and unable to move forward. NC. Do that one thing for yourself to start. Work on your thoughts. Stop them in their tracks when they begin. Do something to bring you into the present moment. Read on here. Talk and get it out on here. We are ALL here for you.
hugs

Letting go it really does get better

July 20, 2012 - 8:21am — Jenna H

Trust what everyone is telling you here - I can say that even though I'm just a bit further down this road than you! Educating yourself, therapy and good old fashioned hard work on YOU makes a difference. And give yourself time. Time will heal. My therapist said 6 weeks NC and most turn a major corner. Doesn't mean we're FIXED, but it's usually a significant milestone and turning point she said.

I understand your despair. I hear what snowflake is saying that just 3 months ago she thought she would die of heartbreak. Me too.

Today I woke up and actually feel pretty damn good - starting to laugh at things about the narc. That's a first! You'll start to experience firsts, too, and they will be good!! Hang in there Letting go. My heart goes out to you. Keep moving forward and you will reap the rewards. Trust your instincts, too. Soon you will have acquired this amazing new ability to see right through bullshit!

Some days are better than

July 20, 2012 - 6:51pm — letting go

Some days are better than others and I'm definitely doing better than when it first happened. I started going to see a psychologist pretty quickly and I don't know where I would have been if it weren't for that.

Sometimes things I remember about him and things he said that were hurtful or off putting reassure me that he wasn't a nice man but then other times I remember how he could be so lovely. He would surprise me sometimes with things he'd say or do and that worked both ways because sometimes they were good things and sometimes just in the same day he would be the opposite. It made me feel like I was never too sure what to expect.

Because he got with this new woman so quickly and told me how he cares for her it really makes me feel undermined as though she has what I didn't. He also said that he just isn't really feeling that connection but then after that he wanted to kiss me and wanted me again but then changed his mind. He was just all over the place and I know I don't see what goes on with them but it's hard not to think that he's this stable person now for her.

The thing is I don't know if he just can't have me in his life now because of her or if he thinks he has no use for me now. He said he'd be there for me still and that he cared! He even showed that but then the very next day showed the opposite by ignoring and rudeness. Then changed again then surprised me when he was so interested in my sex life now without him then was plain rude again.

So it's like from things he said and the way he acted I can see that he's not a decent person but then it's still hard to not think that she's getting the man that I wanted him to be just because she's more suited to him and I couldn't bring it out! It's very confusing and even if I know intellectually my emotions still play up.

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