So depressed AGAIN

So depressed AGAIN
Posted July 12, 2012 - 11:01pm
0

He is dead, I am 1yr out this week and i am so damn depressed again and I don't know why, maybe it's because his birthday is Tuesday not that I would have told him happy bday , but the fact that he will no longer be around or even have a bday depresses me.

I have been doing pretty good for the most part but this week has really hit me hard, did anyone else have a set back at a yr? I cannot believe how time has flown by once the fog cleared, but this week it feels like the nightmare started yesterday! I still read and even back track from the beginning, he is dead , but I still have to remind myself of so much that happened and why, even though I know why it all happened and it wasn't my fault, i still have to go back to square one and start over with reading, I think this is what keeps me sane! I know it will pass, and usually does within an hour, but this time it is sticking around a little longer. And I hate it!

‹ Second year anniversary, no narc for two years, Deidree99 ›
needing2know's picture

Thank you everyone, I really

July 13, 2012 - 11:11pm — needing2know

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate all your input, Still in a depressed mood, this has lasted longer than I Hoped it would, maybe after his b day passes this will too, I don't know, All I know is somethings gotta give, this is stupid, I have come way too far for this stupid ass bday shit to set me back like this. Thank you all for being here for me, I know I can always count on you all, because no one else could even begin to understand this shit!

Winter's picture

Needing2know

July 13, 2012 - 10:05pm — Winter

I have noticed that when I don't feel good, anxious or depressed, I have a tendency to link it somehow with him and the r/shit I had. My assumption: we got used to suffer because of them for a long time. The negative emotions are so much associated with them that when we feel depressed for any reason (tired, rainy day, hormons, you name it) it reminds us about them and... there we go into the spiral again.

Could it be that?

Love

Winter

needing2know's picture

winter

July 13, 2012 - 11:12pm — needing2know

Someone told me I was probably going through "anger withdrawal" I was so used to fighting and defending myself for shit I didn't do , that my brain still hasn't realized it is truly over! I don't know

ruby01's picture

I'm not at all depressed now..

July 13, 2012 - 8:24pm — ruby01

but on that actual day that marked the one year point, I was because I knew exactly where I was a year before and it brought back really bad memories.

I think it is just a temporary set back. You have come a long way!

needing2know's picture

ruby01

July 13, 2012 - 11:14pm — needing2know

Yes I have come a very long way, but I feel like I am back at the beginning! I look back and realize just how far out of hell I have climbed, I will never go back there, for NO MAN!

onwithmylife's picture

needing2know

July 13, 2012 - 8:17am — onwithmylife

do not fell badly it is such a long haul and the fact he is gone, literally, may make it worse for now. It took me 3 years to get over the exnarc and he is still around, it is such a long haul and things like birthdays will trigger memories, it still does for me as well......hang in there and hugs to you.....

TruthbeginsToday's picture

Possibilities: If you have

July 13, 2012 - 7:53am — TruthbeginsToday

Possibilities:

If you have PTSD the birthday will be a trigger to bring it all back. The stronger you become..the previously subdued emotions that are attached to traumatic events..replay..except this time they will be more painful.
This can happen over and over until all of the traumas emotional pain is dealt with.

Grieving: Often while in midst of battle..so to speak, we shut down the pain and emotions to a minimum until we feel safer and stronger. This may be your time to really grieve the loss of your relationship and his death. ALLOW yourself to feel. Do not tough it out.

This could be good news....it may be a sign of you becoming strong enough to deal with these things now.

It's a process...it will get better.

maui3375's picture

Needing to know.

July 12, 2012 - 11:47pm — maui3375

May I ask what happened to the exN who died.. It wasn't suicide was it? Bless you dear it will get better with time.

fearlessfemale's picture

Needing2K....

July 12, 2012 - 11:24pm — fearlessfemale

...first let me say I am so very sorry for your pain.
You sound truly sad and as if you are hurting bad. I wish I could take your pain from you and all thoughts of him would disappear forever.

Seems like many members are experiencing similar "revisiting" including myself.
It's not been quite a year for me, but as you mention that, it reminds me of actually grieving the loss of someone and anniversary dates are always difficult.

I hope your pain subsides quickly and you get through this rough patch soon. I hope this for everyone that deals with the effects of these freaks.

-fefe

Deidre99's picture

Perhaps, because it's final.

July 12, 2012 - 11:20pm — Deidre99

Perhaps, because it's final. He's gone. The battle so to speak, is over for you. And I think it's almost like a double loss. Even though you were both through, he died, and that still touched you.

I think it could be that, as a part of it.

At the one year mark of NC for me, no. I was truly truly over my narc. I would say I was over him, at the one year mark since breaking up with him, which to my chagrin, wasn't when I began NC. lol That took a few months of being a dum dum for me to stick to it.

Every person is different, and you could still very well be processing the finality of this man's life. It is somewhat of a chilling reality for you.

((hugs)) You will get through this.

needing2know's picture

Deidre

July 12, 2012 - 11:38pm — needing2know

Thank you , maybe thats what it is, my battle is over and his passing was the final "curtain call" if you will. I have to admit even after all the shit, his passing crushed me to my core, I hate the fact that I loved him so much and just knowing that I will never see or hear anything from him again upsets me. It is final everything about him is final!

Deidre99's picture

This may sound 'out there,'

July 13, 2012 - 10:22am — Deidre99

This may sound 'out there,' but bear with me for a moment. In thinking about what you have been through, and your ex N dying...it almost seems like...he still controlled the closure. But, at the same time, there is relief in an odd sense, with this type of closure.

And all mixed in, is a terrible anxiety of never being able to hear or see him again, despite the abuse you endured. You wanted to make that call, and his death made the decision for you.

I think all those things, intertwined together, is why you feel a little out of sorts right now.

And then, there is the sobering reality that if this man died being a jerk to others, and never making amends with you or showing remorse...that's sad. Sad that he wasted his precious life on doing harmful things to others.

You are very strong. I know I will never hear, and will never contact my ex N ever again. But, if I heard of his death, say right this minute, I might find it chilling.

Frankly, I'd be afraid for his soul. But, that's a whole other story! lol

I hope you are doing better today, friend. (hugs)