I ran in the rain today….well actually yesterday…just decided to post it today.
Most people think this is odd, unusual, silly or childish even; apparently…given the fact for an hour and a half I had exclusive use of the running track. I thought differently. It was the perfect environment to camouflage my flood of tears. The tears necessary to release the sorrow, the pain and fight feelings of “ending it all”. I hate those feelings…they haunt me and pop up in an instant, totally out of nowhere.
As I run, I purposely listen to songs that make me cry. I want this pain out of me, away, to exit my body and soul. Of course I alternate with a strong, kick-ass kind of song to regroup and pretend I’m tough, I tell myself “I got this now…this experience is NOT going to get me down.” I sincerely do want to be strong again, independent, full of self-esteem and knowing exactly who I am, what I’m all about, rebuilding my confidence level to a new high…hell, just any confidence at all would be appreciated at this point. Put all my boundaries back in place, cemented, bolted and board certified to be safe and secure. I am trying with all my might to “do something” to get better…move on….move forward.
I cannot let this dark hearted, sadistic, freak of nature take me out! I have to learn from this horrid experience, move forward and with purpose. I am still searching and waiting desperately to know why it was “me” that had to be the one he chose to profile, study, and get to know like the back of his hand so he could at that very opportune moment sink his hooks in to. (He was so very patient.) Why ”me” to be the one he professed his counterfeit love for…and why “me” who ended up feeling as if the last seven years of my life were stolen from me leaving me depleted, fending off depression and feelings of wanting to die. Oh yeah, and WHY ME who had to feel the absolute worse pain anyone could have ever known…EVER!!!! Why did he lie, make promises and break them, cheat on me, and finally in the end do what he swore he would never EVER do…throw me away…and without one single explanation or apology. No facing me, acknowledging any fault, admitting any wrong doing. Simply just crumpling me up and throwing me away like a damn paper towel.
It’s been almost 8 months and I’m back, stuck again. Not with him. TRUST ME…that will never happen again. I’ve been on that trip many, many times during the seven years I was with him. Back and forth, him leave, me leave….I’m sorry, he’s sorry…all so clear to me now it was for my “recharging” to be the best supply I could be for him. Gag… No, I am back to obsessing over him/her and what they are doing…will they get married…will he give her all the promises, hopes, future he promised me. Any why do I CARE? Why can’t I get passed this crap? He’s a freakin’ disordered person who nearly took my life!
The night of the final D&D I was at my lowest point. I had zero life in me. Any lower life energy and I would have been literally dead. Get the picture? I began my journey to new life that night as well… by talking to my son, a couple of friends, and I came here…here is where I finally found answers. I read, read, and read some more. When I couldn’t read because my eyes were too tired I listened…to Youtube Sam Vaknin. In just a few short weeks I had accumulated an education equal to 4 college semesters of knowledge about narcissism. I talked to Goldie, was one of the first to join the group sessions…had a therapist who has a lifetime of experience exclusive to domestic violence and narcissism. I worked my butt off on assignments…read Lisa’s book…did each assignment more than once. I was getting all of the anger, pain, tears, and uncertainty out and in the open. I was healing…becoming stronger…gaining acceptance…feeling apathy towards him….getting myself back and finding direction.
GRATEFULNESS was pouring out of me each day. I felt like I was in a fairy tale … life was getting so clear, beautiful, and bright; filled with light. I was on a direct path toward happiness with purpose and actually believed that I was just about completely healed! I had no fear. There was no stopping me now.
Narcville was in my rearview mirror….bye, bye narc…see ya, wouldn’t want to be ya!
Then…out of nowhere…I slammed into a brick wall; the familiar brick wall of pain.
Plus, I missed “him”. I don’t remember making a U-turn. I certainly did not want to be back here.
And most of all I want all thoughts of him to cease to exist. I’d love to be hypnotized with zero memory of who he is, what he is, where he is and why he is allowed to do this harm and get away with it…to have there be no reckoning of his actions. I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW WHAT HE’S DONE.
I am told to let it go. Forget him and what he’s done and move on. Take the focus off of him and put it on myself…my new life. Learn from my mistake…Don’t seek justice against him…he’s disordered…it’s not worth it. “Disordereds” don’t have to obey the rules right. Yeah…maybe that’s why they think the rules don’t apply to them, because we allow the rules to not apply to them.
Please excuse my language but I find this to be nothing more than “bullshit”.
Someone please clarify it. If a mentally challenged, 20-year-old rapes a child do we just let it go? Forget it and move on? Take the focus off him and his actions and put it on her. Don’t seek justice for this little girl. She made a mistake from being at the wrong place – wrong time…she should learn from it. That’s like saying, “Oh, it’s not really ok that he hurt that child but we just have to drop it, move forward because he’s mentally challenged. We can’t make him deal with his actions, he couldn’t help it, and besides, he’s disordered.
Here I am…and there all of you are. Victimized, abused, violated, and thrown away…made to feel worthless and told we should just let it go. Just drop it and move on.
Why? Because he is disordered and it’s ok that HE gets to hurt and destroy people’s lives.
Well…I’m sorry…I don’t think I can do that.
I’m not going to end my life. I’m not going to take his. But I AM NOT going to drop it and move on.
I can’t move. I am stuck and I know why…because he has caused me an unjust harm and he needs to be accountable for it, disordered or not. I do not know what I am going to do.
Somewhere, someone took the first step against domestic violence; someone was a voice for those who couldn’t help themselves…someone started the fight to stop the abuse. It was not ok and someone stood up.
Maybe, just maybe, I will be the one who takes the first step against narcissistic abuse and her abuser. He can’t hurt me any worse than I’ve already been hurt…this I know for a fact.
Someone has to stand up and say this is not ok.
Give me one good reason why I should not pursue this.
ONE GOOD REASON!