I have been struggling really bad lately and have choosen to dive into reading as much as I can, writing(when it doesnt hurt too much), soaking up all I can from this site, and looking at my two beautiful babies. I know that I have no other choice, wait, I know that I have decided that I have no other choice than to get better, find out if there is any me left. It hurts and I dont all together believe that I will ever get to where some of you are, but I am taking the chance of trying...
I go to therapy, I read, I read some more, I write, but the hurt wont let up! And when I am having a really bad day and think nothing could make it much worse..i turn the corner and there he is in his truck, with his new dog and the glare he gave me sent chills down my spine and I felt like i needed to run. Problem is I have no where to run. His anger and hate of me terrifies me. If it hadnt been for him getting arrested I am sure he would be trying to contact me and it scares me because I stupidly would have gone back. In a way I am grateful for the night he came to the house. At least now he has so much hate for "telling" that he wont have anything to do with me. Yet it still hurts. I am trying really hard to tell myself that him hating me, all the things he did dont equal who I am. At least that is what all of you have been telling me.
But you throw mommy in the picture and my mind wonders how the two people that are suppose to be the ones that protect are the ones that destroy and how is that not my fault?? I dont know the anwer to that yet, but I just try not to think it, instead I try to hear what all of you tell each other.
My question is, how do I get the hurt to stop? How do i ever find a way to look at myself in a mirror without complete disgust? How do I get to where I feel worth air?
Im reading, Im talking, Im writing, Please tell me what more can I do, because I am still sinking.