kpc's story

From Hero to Zero

I consider myself lucky to have escaped the N after just one year (albeit one hell of a long year). Like some others, I ignored the red flags and allowed myself to get caught up in the false identity of this total creeper. In my exN's case - he has a great fake persona. Former A10 fighter pilot (a "hero") by his own definition, Harvard Bus School grad and successful entrepreneur. Upon first meeting I admit I was not immediately attracted - there was an aire of arrogance and a bit of a swagger, despite him being fairly average looking. Somehow, someway, I took the bait as he laid on the charm, smothered me with attention and convinced me that 46 and never been married - was just a result of him having never found the right one. As time went on and his behaviour became sketchy (he lives in DC and I in Canada) he would excuse away his actions (MIA on Saturday nights, long delays in responding to messages, etc.) as him just out with "friends". He suggested I date others in between our visists and when I called his bluff and said - o.k. will do - he changed his tune quickly. He used sex (yes he was very talented) to keep me locked down. My bad. As my antenna started to really go up (he never showed any emotion, was rude to service staff, became very animated when talking about his fighter pilot days and the joy he felt dropping bombs and his a "license to kill", absorbed with thoughts and needs of being famous and rich, loves his car, on and on and on) he clung closer. He seldom spoke of his family except to put his brothers wives down commenting that they had let themselves go (fat) after kids (each have 3 children) and how they controlled and trapped his brothers. He seldom spoke of his deceased mother and even lied about the circumstances around her death. 6 months in (and I am shaking my head now wondering what the hell was I thinking) came the big ah hah. An STD. When I called him in hysterics (never in my life before) he denied and then admitted he had sex ONE TIME, with a former friend. When I asked him why - his response was "she turned me on and she had not had sex with a man in a year - I had to help her". OK so I know what you are thinking.....run, dump his ass but nope - I withered and let my lack of self love and self confidence get the better of me and I continued on. In April he invited me to go on a cruise with him - telling me that he wanted to prove to me how much he cared so off we went. Another couple (his childhood friend and spouse) were also on the cruise. The dynamic was strange. I mean these people were really nice but it was almost like they wanted to corner me and whisper in my ear. Again hindsight - I should have used that opportunity. Cruise ws the worst vacation ever. Lots of sex but no romance, no effort to make anything special. Him having to be the center of attention. Always checking out other women. I was exhausted (oh forgot to mention his sleep apnea and the fact that he snores like Fred Flinstone and refuses to use his sleep machine.....). I made one more trip to DC to see him, helped him decorate his newly renovated condo, etc. Something was very different. I felt different and he acted different. Unshaven, staring in the distance (almost in a trance) angry, putting me done (would add "duh" to the end of my sentences). Sex was ok but more like him using me to masturbate. I knew I had to get out. When I returned home i waited a few days and then called him. As I started to explain that perhaps this was not going to be a long term thing for either of us - he snapped, started to rage and turned the conversation around and told me he was breaking up with me. He then launched into a speech about how my heartbreak would pass, he had been there, how he wanted me to be happy, truly happy. He ranted on for a while and switched Jekyll and Hyde. At that point I realized I need NC and deleted all sources. He continued to text me (want to make sure you are OK, etc.). And so that is how the story goes. I made the mistake of contacting him once since only to try to have him send a piece of jewellery back to me that I left behind in DC. What a mistake. Right it off because it is not worth the pain of the mind f**k that comes with. He is on to the next one already - this time 10 years his senior - I suspect because of her contacts and position in the DC social world. All of this said - I feel so empty. I feel anger at myself for not following my gut and for getting sucked in, I cant seem to get this sicko out of my head - I have sat straight up in bed at night wondering if it was all just a bad dream. His friend has reached out to me and simply said - you did the right thing - 'everything happens for a reason'. Maybe so but it leaves you shaken and worried. Can this happen again and how do I make sure it does not. What a blessing to come across Lisa's book and this site. It is helping me keep it together. KP