I have lived here almost 10 years and still don't have any friends. I got questioned about it the other day and didn't really have a good answer. But, for me, I would like to move, but I want new fresh, supportive people. My family is so small there is no "homebase" and all my friends from youth are scattered. So I get my support mainly from you all and hope that I will continue to have more days like yesterday.

I realized another thing the other day. I have been so busy being depressed and down on myself and doubting myself it occured to me that I was just picking up where he left off. Since he isn't around to abuse me anymore I guess I felt it was my job to beat up on myself. Not anymore. It was like he made me a tool for my own abuse. Brainwashed???? No thanks, he can continue to be his own tool.

Emotional Health - I saw a quote this evening on facebook I think. Along the lines of this: "You do not attract what you WANT, you attract what you ARE."

Number one priority must be to get healthy and love and appreciate who you are. Only when we're alone are we able to really get a feeling for that person we've subjugated to so many others all this time.

I was feeling a little sad last week because the xN always used to talk about all the road trips we'd go on together, and we never did. I was driving out to the country for the day by myself and at first I felt sad because he and I never got to do any of that. Then I realized, hey, I'm taking MYSELF out to spend some time with some horses, and I can leave when I want, come back when I want, bring my camera, no rush, chat with whom I want to. And when I got into the car I said out loud with a grin, "ROAD TRIP!" started the engine and drove off with some favorite music playing and it was a good day. I even thanked myself for giving me that day, when I got home. Sounds silly, but hey. We need to appreciate ourselves!

N0W is our time to make our life anything we want it to be, with our own best friend and love of our life: ourselves. It's a little scary at times when you realize it's all on you to lay out the grand plan for yourself, but the possibilities are limitless, and that makes it fun and exciting, too.

My ex-husband (he is not the narc) called me tonight, just to talk. He lives far away now and we stay in touch by email and text but he said he was feeling lonely, he's finding it difficult to get used to living alone so we just chatted about small stuff. Even I felt better after the call. We humans are social creatures and it's natural to feel lonely from time to time. It passes, and there are different ways to ease it. Pining for the narc or returning to him or breaking NC is NOT the way, if we are to get on with our beautiful lives.

Stay true to you, even when you're blue!

xoxoxoxo
Ophelia

Layla, perfectly said.

I, at this very moment, am alone. D12 is off with my sister and her cousins for a week, and I'm thoroughly enjoying being home alone, watching what I want, eating what I want, drinking a little wine, doing a little work, feeding my horses, enjoying MY LIFE.

In a week, I have a man coming to visit me who I've seen a few times. I like him. I enjoy him. But, I don't need him, and I don't believe he will be "the one"...because I'm not looking for that. He is one person, among many actually in my life right now, who I enjoy. I'm so thrilled really to be able to do what I want. And, I kind of think what an idiot the Exnarch is for jumping into another relationship ASAP because he never had this delightful, juicy time to be with ourselves. Course, we all know they cannot do that. BUT I CAN, AND I AM.

Someday, I'll be back in a HEALTHY relationship - the love of my life I'm certain - and I'll look back at this time with pure joy...I'll be so happy and content in my HEALTHY relationship, but know that the path to that relationship drove straight through this selfish, sweet, introspective time with myself.