Im in shock's story

And, still, I love her...

I met her 3 1/2 years ago. Just some random person I friended on a social network. She seemed so sensitive, so deep & soulful, and we seemed to have so much in common. We began writing each other back and forth online. The writing became more frequent until about 6 months in she told me she liked me and I told her I felt the same. We only live an hour apart so we decided to meet face to face.

It was love at first sight ( at least for me ). We spent 4 days together that first date & I saw red flags right off that kept me from talking to her for 2 weeks after that. But she kept calling, writing, texting, saying such sweet things that one evening I picked up the phone...and there I went.

The first really big incident was when my best friend died. I called her and she was really sweet over the phone. When I asked her to come to the service with me, she adamantly refused. Saying that was the only day she had to spend time with her friend who was visiting from out of town ( her friend is also one of her ex's). I tried talking to her about it for the next week. Afterwards, she was all excited to tell me about her day with her ex, but didn't ask or want to hear about my best friends service. A few days later I broke up with her over it. She called me crying, I felt guilty and took her back - a pattern that would be repeated often.

Until the tables turned. I can't really say when, how or why they did. Maybe she just felt 'wronged' one too many times. I don't really know. All I know is SHE is the one who started breaking up with ME. And she would do it for the littlest reasons. If we were having a disagreement and I wouldn't just agree with her, she would break up with me. Then she would refuse to talk to me for a week or two at a time. I would ultimately end up calling and begging her to get back together. And that's how everything went from a certain point on. I had to beg. And when I did, she would tell me how pathetic I was. That I didn't have any pride. But if I showed any spine or self confidence, she would verbally and emotionally beat me down until I was crying and begging so she could tell me what a loser I was again.

I believe these changes started after I became isolated from my friends.

Which brings to mind the first fourth of July we were together. She had come up to spend the holiday with me. After we met, we found out we had several mutual friends who live near me. So the plan for the 4th was to go hang out with them and watch some fireworks. During the day of the 4th she changed her mind and didn't want to go out. I didn't want to stay at home. I felt I needed to be around other people because spending a lot of time alone with her would seem to mess with my head ( I was in a better mental space at the beginning of our relationship ). She finally threatened me & said that if I walked out the door, she wouldn't be there when I got back. She was going to hitchhike the hour back to her house. I went anyway and when I got home she was gone. I was sick with worry all night and called her repeatedly. She didn't answer her phone until noon the next day to tell me she was fine. I never chose my friends over her again.

But when she was sweet...there was nothing like being in her arms when I was in her good favor. I felt like all was right in the world. But it never was and it never lasted for long.

I could go on and on with more details...maybe later. I'm really tired. Getting this out has taken so much energy.

Last week she told me she hated me. She was interested in somebody else and didn't want me to call her anymore. It hit me right in the gut. I thought I was gonna die right then and there. I have slept day and night since then. I have cried the entire time I've been typing this.

My head knows things weren't ok. But my heart is all f%#!d up. All I know is it hurts. It hurts. And I still love her. Dammit, I still love her.