Oh, my lovely people.
I must report.
It's been about 2 years since I left him.
7 months since I began participating on this site (when my healing really began).
Oh My Gosh! Life does get SO SO SO SO much BETTER!
1. I read your words. And you said that it gets better. Some of you use markers to describe how it will feel -- 3 months, 6 months, 1 year, etc. And I just believed you. It was an intellectual belief -- like that atoms exist. I've never seen an atom -- but the experts say so, so I believe. I believed you because...
2. When I was "in the tunnel" and I could see no light at the end of it -- I just held on. I describe this around the site. "You are in the tunnel, there IS a light and someday you will see it. I am fully in the sunshine now. Someday you will also be through the tunnel and back in the sunshine." And because of this experience, I have believed that life does get better.
------Messing With Custody Schedule--------
1. Soft Boundaries -- people here say that the reason we got in this situation with a N/P is because of soft boundaries. I have listened to that. So, as part of my recovery, I institute HARD boundaries with MYSELF. ( a. It's good Practice b. I can control MYSELF and no one else.) One of my Hard Boundaries is to NEVER change the custody schedule. I NEVER do. (Well, I will for a couple of very particular things.) If it would be More Convenient for me to change custody schedule -- oh well, too bad -- because it would bite me in the A** later and take away ALL that convenience.
2. Psychopath wanted to adjust the custody schedule, for good reasons. I accommodated. I gave him 2 choices of how I would accommodate him. He took one choice and slightly altered it (of course) -- I agreed and accommodated again -- TWO accommodations in 1 transaction made by Abreva.
3. Last Minute-ish (of course) he wants to change the schedule because he "realized" that he had slightly altered it, and he "thought" that I would want it the other way.
---OKAY - here is where I must put myself to the test -----
1. Last minute. I have to consider.
2. Last minute. Do I want to change my plans.
NO NO NO NO NO
I have a LIFE. HE CAN NOT DICTATE IT. He's LYING anyway. He really has something he'd rather do that take care of our children and meet at the agreed upon time.
Also, his request to CHANGE THE SCHEDULE AGAIN *****AGAIN!!!!!******** interfered with MY LIFE.
HELLLLLLLOOOOOO! I was going out -- WITH MY FRIENDS ---- and BOTH of my custody exchange helpers were going to be WITH ME!!!! WE WERE BUSY!!!!!!
I said NO. Short. To the point. No to the Psychopath. He's always trying to make Scrambled Eggs and Tossed Salad. I said NO.
------ LIFE GETS BETTER ----------
I was out with my friends and people and having a WONDERFUL TIME.
1. I noticed that THING - that black cloud - that heavy weight - that THING pulling me down was gone. I still remembered it, but it wasn't there. And I was OUT and thinking to myself: I am so glad that I am not married to Dr. Hateful. I am so glad I don't have to go home to THAT house, living THAT life.
2. I wasn't the girl talking about her horrible divorce from a horrible man. Sure, I mentioned it in support of the woman who WAS talking about her divorce from a sociopath -- I helped her -- I discussed Hoovering, and No Contact -- but, on my part, it was light and I didn't focus on it. I was tempted to share the most recent crazy email from Dr. Nutso with her. But...
3. I shared the concept of practicing boundaries with myself, and she understood it and liked the idea. So, I thought about if letting HER read the crazy email (that I won't read) would somehow compromise my boundary with myself -- decided it would -- and was glad I abstained.
4. Had a great time. Came home HAPPY. So happy. Happy! HAPPY! Like Back in the Day. In my heyday. Back when I didn't have this nasty situation to contend with. Back in the day when dating men was FUN and going out was FUN!!! I felt this way last night. I feel this way this morning.
5. I wasn't Mourning the fact that my children weren't with me. NOPE! I was like: I have FREE BABYSITTING (though I have certainly paid in advance, if you know what I mean). I get to go OUT no questions asked EVERY OTHER WEEKEND and do Whatever I Please without having to answer to ANY MAN or ANY PERSON. HELL YES. I think this is what people might call - feeling LIBERATED. (How many married women wish they could do this? Like, every single woman I know -- good marriage, or not.)
------Let's Break It Down------
a. We have a schedule.
b. I stick to it.
c. I have a life.
d. I enjoy it.
Okay. That's Good.
I've been waiting for the enjoyment to kick in.
ENJOYMENT WHERE ARE YOU?????
Well, I found it yesterday. HOORAY. Enjoyment.
NOT enjoyment wrapped in pain.
NOT enjoyment tinged with pain.
Real enjoyment and FREEDOM.
----- Let's review some of the reasons this happened ------
1. I abstained from reading his most recent email of 1000 words.
2. I maintained hard boundaries.
3. I haven't seen him or spoken to him in gosh -- 5 months? -- due to having friends handle the custody exchange.
4. I don't call over there when my kids are gone. This is hard, because I DO miss them. But, as suggested by many of you, it's better to NOT call - because calling opens me up to contact with him. If the kids need me, they call.
(All of these reasons describe Extreme Low Contact.)
Thank you all who have shared your journey with us.
If you haven't yet, may you all find ENJOYMENT again.
Bless you all.