NewMe's Story

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#1 Jun 29 - 2PM
NewMe
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NewMe's Story

My HiStory

Hi all,
I’m currently working on step 2 from Lisa’s book and just felt like it’s time to share my story…
English is not my native language, so I apologise for all mistakes.

I met my ex- Narc in Feb 2009. He told me he’s suffering from depression. I had depression in 2003, so I decided to help him.
After 3 weeks of dating I started to feel there is something strange about his behaviour (he seemed distant at times, wouldn’t reply my messages etc.), so I asked him to meet up to explain him that I think it’s not gonna work. He said he doesn’t feel anything in general, but he felt “something” when he thought he can loose me. Since that moment I was hooked.
We began to meet almost every day, he was coming to my place and we would talk about his problems and depression. His words were scary sometimes as he appeared very self- destructive, obsessed with his career, money and other people. He also had extremely low self- esteem. He was very needy and controlling when I wasn’t in the town, and would call me and text me when I was off for a weekend or out with friends. I believed it was caused by his depression.
He kept victimise himself, so I stopped meeting other friends to always be there for him. He convinced me that he wants to change his life and made me believe one day his depression will be over and we will be a happy and “normal” couple.
After 3 months into dating for the first time I thought it’s not his depression that causes him to act so weird. The term “narcissism” popped up in my had (I new a little about it). I took test detecting narcissism in partners which I found in a psychological paper magazine and…faked it! The result was “your partner has strong narcissistic tendencies” (even though I faked it!).
After 4 months into our relationship he went home (we both live abroad) to complete his recovery from depression. He stayed there for 2,5 months ( with his parents who he claimed were abusive) and never once visited me. There was lots of silent treatment and other manipulations in this time I didn’t recognise. One day he was caught drinking and sailing by the police, and he got silent treatment from his N-Father and decided to stay in his country. I told him I don’t agree for a long distance relationship, so he decided to come back “to see how will things work out”. He moved in (temporarily, as I said it’s too early for me to live together) and started to flirt with my toxic ex- girl friend who I believe is a narc too) in front of my eyes and when I confronted him, he acted hurt and wounded. At this time he reconnected with his N- friends ( cocaine and sex addicts) and was out for most of the nights, “forgetting” to take his phone and coming home very late. I kicked him out about 4 weeks later.
2 weeks after our break-up he rang me to say he cannot live without me etc. and arranged a meeting on the next day. When we met, he said it will be “the heaviest luggage he will have to carry all his life, but he can’t be with me”( WTF?), but he couldn’t give me any reason for that.
The next 3 months were terrible as his mask slipped off and I noticed that my self- esteem completely vanished. I asked him to spend New Years Eve together and he agreed, just to tell me a few days later that his father asked him to spend it with him and he couldn’t say “no”. He ended up spending this day with his friends and broke up with me on the phone, telling me that desert is on the table and I ruin his party.
He hovered me 4 months later, just to D&D me in another 1,5 month. He moved back in his country and 2 weeks later he invited me to live together. I finished my school within few months and moved to live with him. And here it went again…
I was ignored and got no support whatsoever. I was lonely in a new country. He wasn’t in a hurry to introduce me to his friends (but he continued to meet them on his own). I was getting crumbs and experienced mind f…ing games beyond believe. While spending time on my own ( he made me- an independent, working woman- a housewife) I discovered his multiple flirts, flings, crushes and affairs , dating accounts, porn (violent and with teenagers), he made me dependent on his money completely…And all of this in the name of love and with a promise of future(“you are love of my life”, “ I want to spend my life with you”, “we meant to be together”, “you saved my life”, “we’ll make it work” etc.) .
This is where my journey has began. I have started to read about narcissism, every day about 8h a day in the next 6 months. But he still managed to convince me that he is aware of his problems and wants to heal ( with my help and support). He went to therapist, quit after 3 sessions ( in the moment of honesty he said she wasn’t buying his bull…it). Found another therapist, quit after 2 months (after he left the country), even though he could have continued the therapy on the phone. Then I found a counsellor for him, a specialist in addictions . He quit him a few weeks before our final D&D.
I left his country after 6 months. He joined me after 3 months and we moved in together again. Since then everything started to go slowly downhill, as I started to be aware of my needs again, he couldn’t stand domestic life ( without drinking out, getting stunned, flirting etc.), I kept my eyes wide open when he was talking about his new friends and girls from work, and I was tuned for his abnormal behaviours. I also started to attend therapy (after I was diagnosed with depression, he told me “M, what do you want from me, you’re a big girl, you should know how to take care of yourself”). He started his D&D that took a few months ( I was a perfect supply), until the day in March, when I found in his e-mail his “f…ck list” he created 1,5 years ago, shortly after we got back together. It included 26 people- he didn’t even remember some of the names, calling the girls “fat bit…es”, “Asian students”, there was also an info about treesome and info that he had sex with his best friend’s girlfriend!!!). The list included also a “project” on how to seduce 3 girls (a textbook on narcissistic seduction). I told him that I don’t want to see him ever again. He replied that he wants us to break up, lol (of course he wanted to be the one to break up). I moved out, but he still wanted to be friends and played wounded victim.

The Dance of the Evil took over 3 years. I can’t believe I stayed so long. I was in denial for most of this time. He was never violent, he never called me names, but he damaged me deeply with his abuse. He often talks about values and appears very moral. It’s unbelievable how he could abuse me in a way nearly invisible for me and other people around. He’s mother is an alcoholic who’s acting like she’ s mentally ill, while his father appears to be successful boss, devoted father, and loyal husband (while living a secret life- my ex-Narc discovered phone numbers to prostitutes on his laptop, he’s never home, off for trips never with his wife, sleeping in hotels or on the boat after fights etc.). He tells everyone, she’s mentally ill and everybody seems to believe him and pity him. I’m proud of myself that I had courage to tell my ex-Narc that his mom is not a sick abuser, but rather a victim of his father (and son).
I experience cognitive dissonance every day, but I’m well on my path forward. I found a great therapist with a long experience and I understood that I can use this horrible experience as a journey to a better and happier life ( since I recognise my issues). I believe I’m so lucky that it’s over before it went further (he was talking about marriage and family, tried to have unprotected sex- I never let it happen. I kept saying “not before we solve our relationship problems”).
I read this site for over 1 year now,( never posted though), and would never be able to get where I am now without it.
THANK YOU!

Jun 29 - 3PM
Hunter
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Yikes.. Welcome .. Hunter