There is nothing wrong with you because you miss him. You are a kind, loving and caring person and of course you miss what you thought was the "perfect" relationship. You are doing everything right to move forward on this journey; reading, therapy and the forum. But this is just the beginning, you spoke of being in a unhealthy marriage as well and there is a reason you are repeating unhealthy behaviors.

For me, the hardest part of the journey was learning WHY did I allow myself to compromise so much? Why? Not everyone ends up in a relationship with a narcissist or psychopath. I had to do a lot of work on me and dig very deep to both reveal and accept somethings that were that missing piece to my puzzle. Once I discovered this information, I automatically made the shift to myself. I am the same good person I was before but now understand why I behaved in certain ways and will no longer do so. I respect me!

Sorry if this sounds cryptic, not my intention. Rather, I just want to encourage you to keep going to therapy, dissect your past relationships, family, lovers etc. including where you fit it and one day it will click. We each have to do our own work. A very short time ago, I truly believed I would never forgive myself or be happy again.

I can report without any hesitation, I haven't felt such peace in my 52 years of life. Keep moving forward as you are. Be kind to yourself, extra kind and you will be joining me before you know it. Keep working on you and
Stay true to yourself!

xooxoxoxo
Janie

I walked away from mine on June 5, 2011. Every day I wake up and it's June 6, 2011, it's like Groundhog Day. I am on my third psychologist now, finally found one who makes me mad therefore I know she must be getting to me, lol. All three said mine was NPD, BPD, and sociopathic with Dependent thrown in (obviously he is not all but he has over 75% traits of each one).

I was diagnosed with PTSD last September from this. 3 1/2 years, all lies. Nothing was real, my entire life was an illusion. I still can't understand it all, so I can't move on. It hurts worse than any hurt I have had in my life. I was diagnosed exactly 7 months to the day with breast cancer. No family history, no risk factors, very healthy, under 50......went through it all by myself with a friend and neighbors to help drive me to surgery and help around the house for an afternoon b/c I couldn't vacuum or cook for myself. Thank God for them. Everyone says I should be glad I left when I did or he would have John Edwards'd me which would have made things worse for me.

He was with 3 of us. Third girl he was cheating with, he got engaged after 6 months to her. Wow. He's local media person so sadly I found out without wanting to. I have no words for what happened. His life is seemingly blissful and perfect. I'd love to write a book, "He gets engaged, I get cancer."

I've always been alone, until him. And now I'm alone again. And I don't trust a soul. Saddest of all is that I miss him terribly, and I have cried at some point every single day for over a year now, even if just a few seconds of tears. I wouldn't wish what happens to us on anyone. I pray for him as I know he is mentally ill and needs help, but I feel like the most used person in the world and so stupid. And he's happy and his life is great. Wow.

I understand. Almost 13 months later, and I still miss him every damn day. And I hate myself for doing so.