I have not spoken to My Ex fiance Narc in almost 3 months. At times i feel so empowered and great. Like i have a new life! but then other times i feel like im going insane. out of nowhere ill just start crying for no reason. I still cant comprehend why i miss this loser. After everything he put me through. How do people exist on this earth without remorse? How do you not feel terrible after youve caused so much pain on someone? How can you be with someone for 7 years and share every intimate detail of your life with them and then your discarded like a piece of trash? I have read so many books and info about Narcs and talked so much to a therapist ...but yet i still have a hard time believing they dont feel ANYTHING for the person theyve been with. They dont miss us AT ALL? Its so hard to comprehend. i want to believe deep inside that he has moments of missing me. Moments of pain. Moments when he says... wow i messed up. But everything i keep reading is....NO.

We were together for 7 years and engaged for the last 3 of those years. And I moved in with him the last 8 months of the relationship. ( even though i have a condo of my own in a different city that i love) He convinced me that it would help our relationship and bring us closer if i moved in with him.

I am in music and have to travel a lot for my career. so i was gone about 50 percent of the time.i realize now that was a perfect situation for him to hide his cheating and lies. And unfortunately it made it almost impossible for me to find out who he really is and what he was up to. I will admit there were red flags early on and i just didnt want to believe it. i loved the way he made me feel. i felt so beautiful and loved. The way he looked at me. He stared at me intensely...like he couldnt take his eyes off of me. My friends and family would even say...wow he is so into you!! Everyone just thought he was madly in love with me and i did too. Honestly at first i was not that into him. I liked him but he came on so strong and at first i was a bit freaked out by it. I kept backing away but he would always find ways to lure me back in. Unfortunately he lured me in long enough to get me hooked. at that point.....i was smitten. I have never fallen so hard or had such an intense attachment to someone before. I have always considered myself a very independent woman. I have had few relationships and have never been a casual dater. I have always put emphasis on being my own person and having my own career and being successful. I have also always been confident in my looks and have gotten plenty of attention. so there was no need for me to stick with this man. i had no financial needs, and no need for affirmation from a man. So honestly i still dont know how he did it. Looking at the situation now...its crazy that i fell for him. He went to 4 colleges. He has had 6 jobs in 7 years. he claimed that his Ex girlfriend from college cheated on him, pressured him to propose and broke up with him because he wouldnt be a christian. I now know the real story. He cheated on her, and had bought her a ring to propose to her but she broke up with him before he could. One of the issues she had with him is that he didnt want to learn about christianity. I am also a strong christian but i dont like to judge and felt that maybe God brought him into my life for a reason. maybe to help lead him to God. Unfortunately i found this not to be the case. He started out by saying he was open to going to church and we started going . He bought a bible and acted as though he was serious about learning. A month later he wrote a blog on myspace about how jesus died for all mans sins and that he was a changed man. He kept that act up and i believed God had spoken to him. A year later I sensed something was off and did what i have never done with a boyfriend...i checked his email. I found a sexual email between him and a girl at work. He denied anything was going on and apologized saying he had made a mistake . That he just wanted attention and i had not been giving him any lately. i called the girl and she denied anything was going on. as i called her, he cried and begged for me not to call her. He said i was embarrassing him. ( he usually used the sympathy card to get me to react...so he cried alot...ANOTHER HUGE RED FLAG!! ) I broke up with him because my gut told me they both were lying. after a few weeks of him begging for a second chance, i took him back. I wanted so badly to believe he wouldnt cheat on me. And honestly my family believed him too. 6 months later he proposed to me. the relationship went downhill for the next couple of years but being the driven person i am and the fact that i loved him so much...i was willing to do anything to hold it together. ( even after he had admitted by this time that he had no interest in being a christian and that he wrote the blog during a period of just being "confused" on what he was feeling) we went to a therapist a few times but then he didnt want to go back. ( i went to this therapist after he broke up with me...and she told me she knew he was a narc the first time she met him) CRAZY RIGHT??? our relationship became more like we were room mates than an engaged couple. It got to the point he wouldnt touch me. I would try to have sex with him and he would actually get mad at me for trying. when i would question what was wrong...he would get angry. it always ended with me in the bathroom crying and him standing there looking at me with a emotionless blank stare. then we would just walk off after he announced that hes sleeping in the other bedroom. I would sleep alone and crying in HIS bed in HIS house. This went on for the last 6 months of our relationship until i went away for a work trip and had that sick feeling again in my stomach...so i checked his email again. when i checked it...i found he had joined match.com the day after i left. He also had been buying yearly memberships to porn sites every time i left. He had signed up for a skype account, even though he wasent skyping me. and he had an additional email account that i didnt know about. When i confronted him over the phone about the match.com...he acted like i was crazy and made excuses...its spam....someone must have gotten my info and used it. Every excuse in the book. But in my heart i knew better, after seeing all that i had found. He kept sending me emails to try and convince me that i needed to trust him. That i have trust issues. (He had me believing this for years by the way) But I now saw the light and everything was clear. I didnt respond to his emails and A day before i returned home...he sent me an email breaking up with me and telling me to get my things out of his house. when i returned, he was out of town and i did just that. the next day he sent me an angry email and accused me of stealing. not only did i not take the items but i had bought the items as gifts for him. I was so mad that he was accusing me of this...i raced over to his house and confronted him. When i got to his house he had a locksmith changing the locks. He acted extremely cold, no emotion and told me to get out of his house. that i was no longer welcome. He didnt want to hear anything i had to say and blamed me for everything. he then demanded i give him the ring back. ( at that point i didnt have it on) I did what i thought was the right thing and gave the ring to his neighbor to give to him...so i wouldnt have to see him. a week later i spoke to the girl he had previously worked with. ( the one he emailed) she asked me to meet her and said that i deserved to know the truth. We talked for 6 hours and she told me every detail. From sex in his house ( on the side of the bed i slept on) to blow jobs in the church parking lot and at his office at work. The girl was 21. He was 30 at the time. He had convinced her we had broken up and that he wanted to date her. all of this was going on when i would go out of town. I believe this girl and while some of the things she did were extremely bad judgement....i believe he manipulated her too. she said he was extremely rough during sex and would push her he down in the car to give him blow jobs. she also mentioned sex would only last about 5 minutes. we never had a great sex life even in the very beginning of our relationship. the first time we tried to have sex...he couldnt get aroused....even though i was standing in front of him naked!! ( and at that time i was in amazing shape) It made me feel so bad and like there was something wrong with me. i have never had that problem with any other man. as a matter of fact, it was the opposite with any other guy ive dated. They always wanted more sex.he kept saying he was just nervous and wanted to perform well for me. when we did actually have sex it was sweet but never long and he always seemed ackward and nervous. he was always weird about it and never wanted me to give him oral at all. I did the first time we had sex and he acted like it was the greatest thing the world. but after that he would say...you can if you want to. But never seemed like he wanted it. if we had sex... ( which was rare) he always wanted sex from behind and there was never any foreplay. after about a year into the relationship....He never acted like he wanted me. i would comment on it and he would then sometimes have sex with me...i guess to prove he did. But as it went on...he stopped touching me at all. He acted like he had no sex drive at all. And made excuses saying he was stressed or that i argue with him all the time. even kissing me seemed forced. the girl also revealed that he had sex with another girl at work... and i also found a girls t shirt in the bottom of his closet. So i know there were at least 3 girls...im sure more. I was also told by this girl and a guy he worked with that my Narc looked up mine and my families bank accounts ( he worked at a bank) and told his co workers he was going to be set for life!! Its obvious now part of his plan was financial gain. He has now turned all of our friends against me. I have tried to tell everyone what happened and who he is...but it has only backfired. Everyone has turned on me. I have even received hate mail from the parents of the little league team he coaches. They think im making all of it up to destroy his rep because im just a bitter fiance. i have no idea what he has told them...but im sure it horrible.

BUT ....I know he wont be returning because....

1. he broke up with me through an email.
2. accused me of stealing the gifts i had bought him... when i moved my stuff out and had a locksmith change the locks
3. He kicked me out of his house when i tried to confront him about his accusations of me stealing...his cheating...addiction to porn and joining a dating site.
4.he came to my parents office and talked to them for an hour and my mom told him we knew everything and to stay away from me.
5. his parents talked to my parents for 2 and a half hours and his parents blamed me for everything and said that cheating can be good for a relationship...that i must have driven him to join the dating site...because he must have been "Fed up" with me. that i have issues. That they know that he watches porn and there s nothing wrong with it and that they know how often he has watched it because they have a log of it. They also said that they know he has sexual performance issues and that hes fine.
6. He has been outed and he knows i know what hes done and who he really is.

I know everyone says that Narcs ALWAYS come back but in my case i dont think i will ever hear from him again. He even said that there is too much damage.

its weird how i know that i should be thankful ill never hear from him and that hes out of my life...but yet thinking " he hates me and does not want me anymore" still stings and in some sick way...i want to feel like some part of him misses me.