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As you plod through NC...think about this
Deidre99
Member since:
2 years 26 weeks
2 years 26 weeks
Last activity:
3 days 3 hours
3 days 3 hours
As you plod through NC...think about this
Posted June 28, 2012 - 9:59pm
During the beginning stages of NC, I remember feeling alone. Scared. Scared to be alone. lol
I'm nearing 13 months NC, and well over a year since the break up. I am starting to understand why it takes 18 months, even if the 'relationship' was short lived, as mine was. It doesn't take that long to get over the narc...but it takes that long to get past him/her, and find yourself again.
And figure out the pain that caused you to stay connected to the narc for as long as you did.
All this said, I was thinking today...that this might help some of you 'battling' with staying NC.
During early stages of NC, we miss the 'good times' with the narc. We yearn for that fantasy person. That, coupled with not getting to the depth of our own issues, we often break NC.
But, if you stick with NC...you will realize that you:
* no longer have to decipher his/her word riddles anymore
* no longer have to analyze his/her nonsense
* no longer have to hear lies, that you KNOW are lies
* no longer have to have boring sex and pretend it was the time of your life
* no longer have to cater to his/her needs incessantly
* no longer have to hear that dinner sucked, and it was in truth, magnificent
* no longer have to wonder why he's treating you so badly
* no longer have to wonder why he's gone silent...again
The list is endless, really, if you stop to think of all the bs that is no longer a part of your life, sans narc.
You may 'miss' the person you thought you knew...but think of all you no longer have to accept and tolerate. Even if you were d&d-ed by him/her...make a list of all the nonsense that's no longer present in your life.
I remember feeling depressed...when NC really set in. And he was no longer trying to hoover. It felt unsettling. I missed the drama and bs. The reason for that, I'd discover later on my path...but, the list is endless of what I 'lost' by letting go of the narc.
Hope this helps you if you're struggling with NC.
© E. Scott Enterprises | Lisa E. Scott
We are not certified mental health professionals and this site and message board is in no way a replacement for professional therapy, legal or medical advice.
Still struggling after all this time
July 9, 2012 - 5:50am — WhiteSwan44I have been on this board for some time now. I have struggled with no contact since I left him well over a year ago. Your post helps to remind me how destructive contact really is. I kept the fantasy that he would change and realize what he's done to me. It's not going to happen. Not now. Not ever. Here's to day one AGAIN of NC. This time I am serious. Nothing ever changes with these people. Nothing. The abuse just keeps recycling. And as much as I hate to admit it, I've continued to let it happen. It's time to take back my power. NC is the only way to do that. Thank you for the reminder!
they take over our lives
July 8, 2012 - 10:35pm — whoknewI appreciate this post very much...it struck a nerve within me because I remember when I was describing the "relationship" to my counselor once, she stopped and said...it sounds like he really took up alot of your time!!!
Exactly!!! Once he was gone, it was like I didnt know what to do with myself because I had all this time to MYSELF! Time to do whatever I wanted to do instead of spending all my time doing what HE wanted or needed ME to do.
When he was here, I would think to myself...I wish I could do something for myself i.e. read a book, watch what I wanted to watch on tv, relax in peace and quiet, etc.
I was so trained by him to want to be perfect for him by preparing dinner every night, making sure he had what he needed, etc that he literally consumed my life!!! It was truly ALL ABOUT HIM!!!
I had panic attacks several times after it ended but I had no clue what was wrong with me....
His selfishness and complete disrespect for me became too much; in the end I felt like I had another child to take care of! I will admit that I have my lonely and vulnerable moments of "missing him" but I know that it is not really him that I miss...its the change of routine and the shock of being able to do whatever the hell I want to do!
Although I still hurt, I came to the realization that it is easier for me to be without him than to be with him. I don't have wonder about who he is cheating on me with, or if he will vanish for days when he gets angry, or what lies he is telling me now, etc.
I went through a long period of time of spying and snooping and trying to know what he is doing and who with,etc...it was making me CRAZY!
NC is hard but everyday I am appreciating the PEACE in my life a little bit more. Every day the first thing I ask myself is, what is going to make you happy today??? And then I do those things!!! There is no chaos, no distractions...just me indulging on everything that I sacrificed for him for so long.
I went back and forth many times and I am no where near over him completely but my mindset sure is alot different and I like it being ALL ABOUT ME now!!!
"it sounds like he really
July 9, 2012 - 4:44am — owenjohnston"it sounds like he really took up alot of your time!!!"
same here! i remember thinking to myself, everything i do is for him. and when people i knew were able to have a relationship, and a family, and a job, and hobbies outside the relationship, i just thought that they obviously didn't love their partner the way i loved mine, but now i realise that what they had/have was/is a proper "normal" relationship. it is not normal to spend every minute of every day with someone, as nice as that may feel at the time
I miss
June 29, 2012 - 9:55am — neverlookbackNOTHING of the hell I lived in with him - I dont miss the persona, the illusion, because it was all SICK just like he is - there were NO good times - it was nothing but pure predation on his part ALL OF IT - like a pimp priming his next victim to work for him - they treated us badly because they were SICK thats why, - glad I never had to cook the snake a dinner - only to be told it "sucked" - but I did suffer with the other things on the list - I used to wonder when he was silent when he would call me again - now I just pray he drops dead
You said it!
June 29, 2012 - 3:24pm — LindsayMI was in more misery than actual happy times. I was never good enough for him...... I tried my hardest but nothing was good enough....... He complained about everything....... Gee I miss those times :: rolls eyes:: I just hope karma hits him right in the face and he feels all the pain I was put through.
Struggling
June 28, 2012 - 10:41pm — sharlenemorganThank You for that. I feel weak. The sex was off the charts and I am lonley right now.
well, take that one off the
June 28, 2012 - 10:48pm — Deidre99well, take that one off the list! haha
It WILL get better. TRUST THE PROCESS.
Gosh, there are some tough days...and months. I can't candy coat NC. But, it won't always taste so bitter.
Sending you a hug!
Struggling
June 28, 2012 - 10:41pm — sharlenemorganThank You for that. I feel weak. The sex was off the charts and I am lonley right now.
Good point!
June 28, 2012 - 11:36pm — LindsayMYep, yep and yep. Thanks Deidre!