I cannot tell you how much I can relate to what you are saying. It is from a place of love and understanding that I say to you you must get out!
Making you "prove you do not love" him or he will punish you by witholding sex? That is sick! Plain and simple.
Wonderbug, I had to endure this same kind of abuse, like many of us have. Make no mistake it is abusive.
You are a sweet kind loving woman and you deserve so much more than this disordered jerk can ever give you.
NC now, you can do it. In time the fog will lift and you will get yourself back. Big hugs, Rose

Because he's abusive. Plain & simple. Get Lundy Bancroft's book entitled "Why Does He Do That?" Worth every penny you paid for it.

This guy is "Mr. Unavailable." 'No more sex until you prove to me that you don't love me.' What a flippin' load of nonsense. Amazing how these men get a woman to bend over for abuse, smile while taking the abuse, and then thanking them afterwards for the pleasure of having been abused. This man is so emotionally abusive.

You say you are "trapped." Yet you are not married, do not live together, have no property in common, do not own a company together & have no children. Yes. You are a prisoner. This man is using "classic brainwashing techniques." Google that one. At one point, he is the savior bringing food & warmth & goodness into the life of the prisoner. He is the secour. Then the savior turns mean & cold -- you are scum for believing x ideology (in love, for example) . . . if you want me to be nice to you again -- YOU MUST CHANGE. Then the woman changes. Here I can just see you protesting over & over -- "I do not love you too much. Do me again." He may then relent & condecend to have sex. Then you may hear (after his orgasm): "Nope. This ain't working. You love me too much." Or even better: "No. Now you love me too little. I can feel it in my bones. I just have to date that little muffin chickie over in the bakery."

Or, sending a text: "Hello sunshine. Great day." But, you are not allowed to frespond in kind.

Don't you see? He SILENCES you. You have NO VOICE that he wants to hear. He denies your identity as a separate being from him. YOU can't love him -- YOU myst deny your feelings to please him. YOU can't text him back & express YOUR feelings. He doesn't care what YOU feel. And he's NOT there for you. But, YOU better be there when he wants YOU -- such as the morning text.

This is called the "Rape of the Mind." Google that one too. It's a book written by a Dutch psychiatrist in the 1950's about the brainwashing of the POWs in the Second World War. Those who suffered violence were comprehensible in their suffering. But those who suffering brainwashing were profoundly damaged because the tormentor get inside their heads & changed the way they thought about themselves. And the tormentor demeaned and humiliated the prisoner.

You are not trapped. That is the problem with domestic abuse. No doors are locked. But the woman . . . she stays & stays & stays.

Three years . . . you are at a psychological divide. A woman can recover well if a relationship lasts apprx. three years. After three years, people begin to merge with the other & are then becoming very dependent & changed. One day from now you will wake up & realize that you have wasted your youth, fertility, and life on this man.

You think this man is not seeing another woman or having sex elsewhere -- you're deluding yourself. He may not be having sex with you because he's spent someplace else.

Wonderbug, I, Along with others here have lived what you wrote. This is push pull.. it is just the begining of you starting to realize you are being devlued. He throws you crumbs and you are in a fog and not seeing clearly.
When he does find "better" supply, and he will, you will be dumped and forgotten in a cruel heartless fashion. It will happen so fast that you wont know what hit you. By the time this happens there wont be much left of you because he is playing the mind control game.
I tell you this only to save you, not to hurt you.

I dont want to see anyone go through this. Please read all old post as well as new. When you go NC it still takes awhile to come out of the fog...we are clouded with feelings. Please save yourself. You havent seen him with his mask completely off, but its slipping.

People here only mean to be honest and helpful. We have all been through great pain. We also all believed he was Mr Wonderful.

Trust me ladies I have been reading and reading and some of your comments to my post are brutal, but I am taking it.

It's giving me more of an insite on what I need to do, I just need the strengh to do it.

Some of your post have also (mocked me ) as in making fun of me for being so stupid for have stayed in this relationship.

It just hurts so much that there is no middle of the road with this person because everyone states he is damaged and he can never change. I wonder if he knows he is a narcassistic person or he thinks he is normal.

I need for you woman to tell me that he will treat any woman the same as he treats me and maybe it will be easier for me to let him go knowing that. He was married once for 17 years so he had to know LOVE at that time.

As mentioned he said we can be freinds but with no sex benefits because I have to prove to him that I don't love him anymore first. That is in possible. Regardless what I tell him, he is not going to beleive me. I don't know if he is off fucking someone else or what the deal is. I don't know if this is his way of controlling me by cutting me off or what I am being punished for.

I need for you woman to tell me why he does the things he does, for no apparant reason, that's whats going to help me.

As mentioned we can go months with seeing eachother constantly and then one day it blows up with the hurtfull comments, about how unhappy he is with me, how things are going to change, how he has let me push him for months and he isnt going to tolerate it anymore. How he was married before and he will never be forced into doing anything he doesn't want to do by anyone.
I sit there dumb founded with what I did wrong for him to snap on me.
He is the one that drives to my house, he is the one that decides how much time he is going to spend with me, he is the one who decides when we are going to have sex. So how and the hell can he turn this all around and make it all my fault that I am pressuring him and making him feel like we are in a relationship and thats not what he wants.

I can't make anyone feel anyway,,,, so if he feels like we are in a relationship than he brought that on himself and now is blaming me for his feelings and then he runs..... like a scared rabbit

,,,, this fight seems different, like he really means it this time and he isn't coming back.

Ummm if you have been on this forum for two years and can still make this statement, then you haven't taken the members words or advice seriously.

You are no different than the other members here. This is going to end badly for you, IT ALWAYS does.

If this man is a narcissist he does not love you. He is playing a game and enjoying manipulating and frustrating you.

You are being devalued , and if you have truly studied the information on this forum then you know what comes next.

He will discard you and spit you out like a piece of gum that has lost it's flavor.

No joke.

It's up to you to salvage whats left of your self esteem at this point and get out and stay out.

Please take the members suggestions seriously because they speak the truth.

The only way this will end is if YOU take action. He is not going to stop. He's having to much fun f@cking with your head and that's as deep as it goes I'm afraid.

wonder bug.

You wrote:

"He claims that I love him way to much and until I can prove him that I do not love him we are no longer going to engage in sex or hang out as much."

Why don't you AGREE with him? Say something like:

"You're right- I did love you too much...And that is why I've decided to see other MEN! Thanks so much for your insight into me!"

Then hang up (or if in person, excuse yourself).

He doesn't deserve your love OR respect!

p.s. While you're at it, put LESS emphasis on the WORD love and more on how he's been treating you and the qualities of a virtuous person (which he is NOT!) Please refer to:

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2012/06/27/lets-take-word-love-out-equation

wonder bug I reread your post twice and the only comment I can't get out of my head is this....

"He claims that I love him way too much and that until I can prove him that I do not love him we are no longer going to engage in sex or hang out that much."

Will you please reread that statement?? Does that sound like a loving boyfriend?? WTF??

That is a polar opposite statement from a boyfriend I would EVER want or tolerate!!

Please do not sell yourself short and accept this as normal!! He makes me angry that he could even say such a hurtful comment to someone he knows loves him so much!!

He needs a rude awakening to say the least.

He is garbage that needs to be put out on the lawn for pick up!!

xoxo

LoserFree