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As you watch in horror how he showers a new person with attention and discard you, you cry a little. However, when the new woman has all his attention and she flaunts it and brags about it, what do you tell yourself to move on?
You get angry, envious, sad, all of that stuff...and then you accept and be so effing thankful you are not her because his pattern will not change. When he tires of her because she allows him to crush her self-esteem, he'll discard her just like he discarded you and then it's on to someone new to start the cycle all over again.
It's perfectly OK to feel what you're feeling. Don't try to ignore your feelings or smother them. Deal with them so you can move on. *hug*
Look at it like this. I'll use my own experience as a reference point.
He had flirted with this woman for many years before we seperated and decided (I asked for) divorce. In those years, I did ALL I POSSIBLY COULD to save my 18 year relationship with him and 16 year marriage. We have a 12 year old daughter together. I explored and worked on myself. I sent us to countless marriage therapists. I bought books that I read, he did not. I planned getaways for us...he planned getaways with him self or his "friends". I constantly looked for ways to bring us closer, he constantly looked for ways to distance himself from me and us in numerous, painful, humiliating, selfish ways. He broke promises, degraded me in every way, and in every possible way, rejected being a partner to me.
When I finally said enough "I deserve to have someone love me in this life"....he said ok. Within a few weeks, he had a new OW - yes, the one we both knew, and had ever subtley over hte years chased....either for flagrant attn or because she sensed in him a willingness.
Within weeks of ending an 18 year r/marriage that produced a child...he was already in a new relationship. Not one tear. Not one "please let's work on this again". No one pain expressed as my family, slowly and surely, could not believe what he was doing to our daughter and to me...and said essentially - go away, we cannot bear to know you or see you again.
So...he lost 18 years of history and "family" - the only one who ever really cared about him because they love me.
No matter. He has replacements for his life now.
IS this normal? Does this demonstrate that my decision was CORRECT?
If a man, or a woman, can be so easily and without any seeming pain move on, find a new partner, create a fantasy "new life"....what value did you have to him in the first place?
Sadly, most of us will have to discover and accept, we had no value to them. We could have been with him 10 months, 10 years....and it is still the same outcome.
WHY would WE pine for that to return? It is the ultimate self love for ourselves that says "NO, I truly deserve a man who will love me". Ex narc had every reason in the world to do that. By any measure or account, I am a catch. Our LIFE was a catch by any standard. HE COULD NOT SUSTAIN GENUINE LOVE AND INTIMACY>>>which eventually forced me to find love= unconditional real love - elsewhere.
BUT, in the end, he simply could not do it. BECAUSE HE CANNOT. And, any man who follows this path...does not "find love" all of a sudden with a new person. He is simply switching out toasters. Sad but true.
Yesterday I was crying my eyes out because exacty one year ago I met the guy I thought was Mr. Perfect and I remembered how perfect he was and I remembered how everything was wonderful and I starting thinking about guess who.... The other woman and him! I started thinking darnit ( deluded thinking) there he is with her treating her like a queen still together everything is so happy why can't I be her? I dried my tears and realized Lindsay dear Lindsay he treated you like dirt and who cares about the other woman and how happy they are who the heck cares? Why would you be jealous of her? So what if they are happy and so what if she is ignoring his BS and putting up with it so what?? Would you honestly be happy being with him?? NO!!!! I still have a long,long way to go and it still hurts but I know I would never be happy with him and I should never be jealous of the other woman it is her problem now not mine.
Hey! I met xnWanna B same day, only 7 years ago. He is now with ngf and they are hooping it up, going same places we went and acting like a love sick puppies. Jealous? Hell no. They both got a "prize" with each other. He has nothing to offer. (no money, no promising future,no stability, not aging well, overweight, and has stolen money from relatives, filed bankruptcy, had several judgments against him) She has been married 3 times, is trailer trash, vulgar and real low life friends and activities. Would not surprise me if he becomes husband number 4 by the end of this year!
Yes, I have been sad from time to time, thinking of all the time, effort, love I put into almost 7 years. I am even sadder and some time madder, at myself for allowing his emotional abuse. I took him back 7 times, each time with promises of a better relationship. When I think back to how he "punished" me with his distancing and break ups, because something good was happening to ME or I was going on a trip, it makes me furious. In my mind I sometimes wish I could rewind to a specific moment and just tell him to go fuck himself, walk out and never look back.
He and the ngf are going fast and furious, and judging from his past performances, they too will crash and burn one of these days.She is giving a whole lot more supply than I ever did and will probably be thrown for a bigger loop than I was.
He's a piece of shit and that's what she has. I have peace.
Here's to our 7/2 "Finds" May they rot in Hell! LOL
I haven't had to deal with OW.. but when he can tear himself away from his porn, pot, vodka and realize that no one is lining up to get him just from his "dick pics" on CL, and finds someone new? I like to think I will tell myself .. This is his pattern, and he won't change.. For anyone.. Not even himself.
I tell myself, "I'm so glad I'm not her."
My ex-friend/FWB/pseudo boyfriend/long story is a local radio talk show host. He and his on air partner have the number one rated show in the city (I'm in the I believe now 5th largest city until I move away hopefully soon), or at least they did as of a year ago when I left and had to stop listening to not just his show but the entire station.
I cant turn on local radio or local TV news as he fills in occasionally as a guest host on morning shows or a guest commentator on local evening news. His show has a Facebook page, he has a show twitter page, a personal twitter page....and so does she. In fact that's how I found out how much he was lying due to looking at her twitter page. She had been blabbing it for the world to see for months when they were secretly involved. I read it all going back from June 2011 back to Feb 2011, and my heart just broke over and over...the shock of the depth of lying caused PTSD which I have been diagnosed with by now three psychologists. I've lost memory, I am still in a state of confusion, and it's now over a year.
I had to read on her feed how incredible everything was for all those months before he finally came clean, and the 2 weeks after that as I sat in disbelief I read stuff I wish I wouldn't have. Then I got off Twitter for good. And I don't go to his show's facebook page. It's one reason I'm having a hard time letting go. He publically acknowledged her on his radio program which he has only done once before in the past, and that was with the woman in radio that he married on a whim "because she was the funniest girl I ever knew." They both cheated on each other and were divorced within 3 years. Now I found out accidentally online in March they he and the new one were engaged on NY eve.....after only 6 mos and 3 weeks of "officially" dating. They hadn't even known each other 9 months. He had vowed never to get married again, but lo and behold, 6 mos with her and he already proposed. It was all over her club's website which I was not aware was hers, and that's how I found out - I was signing up to volunteer with a cancer group, and it linked to her women's club (soroptomists) and that's where I saw the engagement plastered every where. I was not expecting to find that nor was I looking for it. I literally vomited right on my rug....it was awful. I have never known such betrayal and lies.
I could easily write her and tell her everything she doesn't know. She emailed me (I dont know her, never met her) on 12/20/11 to "get rid of her pain of her role in my breakup before the new years and hopes I'm doing well and wishes the best for me" - I didn't respond. I was getting an ultrasound to see if I needed to get a biopsy for breast cancer. I did. And it was positive. Invasive. My world has crashed and burned and is upside down....and he and she got engaged 6 days before I got the cancer diagnosis on Jan 6 2012. I texted him the day I got the diagnosis - no reply. He never replied back to any of my attempts to reconcile last June and July (I gave up after that). I emailed her back the same day Jan 6 and told her of my diagnosis. And again, no reply. I guess the two of them are so happy that they don't care who they hurt. As long as their perfect lives are so wonderful, they just both tweet it all for the world to see, damn how anyone else feels.
I was dead to him last June. He has no idea if I'm literally dead to him now. He doesn't know I had surgery and radiation and as of now I am cancer free....but who knows how long. Part of me really wanted to die after everything that happened with him. I feel so used, stupid, and in so much pain that I still cry almost daily. And it's been over a year. With who he is in the media, I could take him down with a letter, an email, a facebook post, a letter to the editor.....but I'm not that kind of person. I have a feeling she is (she's a lawyer and seems to be very narc herself - I think they feed off each other, I'm very opposite).
Because of his presence in this city, I have chosen to move away. Doesn't help we live close to each other as well. I have changed where I shop, where I eat out, etc so I don't run in to them. I had planned on moving by Jan and then got the cancer diagnosis which put the kabosh on everything. I'm now planning on moving by this Dec. God willing. The PTSD is so bad some days, I have got to just leave.
Why it is that all I do is imagine how perfect their life is together? Why do I have constant movies playing in my head of their nights together, their lives together, everything he told me him now telling her, their trips together that I never got to take b/c I wasn't technically his girlfriend (it's very complicated, but all the shrinks have told me emotionally I was his girlfriend he just couldn't deal with it), seeing her showing all her friends her beautiful ring, him talking about how great she is on the air? I don't know that ANY of these things are true or happened.....yet my mind makes up entire stories and then plays the movies of their happy, perfect life in my head. Make it stop.
On being cancer free and what a jerk!
First of all, a BIG congratulations, moxie pepper, on being CANCER FREE!
You have been given this wonderful second chance at not only life, but a life without him! That's so HUGE!
I totally know what you man about N being Mr. Local Personality in the media and everywhere else, so is mine. It SUCKS. But the reality is, there is no happy, perfect life for them, only YOU. Them = a SICK individual and and his victim, that's it.
Everything I wanted to share with you about Narc-Boy's 'Flavor-of-the-Month' or 'What-he's-wearing-this-season' is pretty much covered here:
I hope you're feeling better about yourself as you're learning about his PROFOUND disorder. New Woman is just his latest victim and not to be envied- at all!
I tell myself that xnh is disordered. It's permanent. Absolutely NOTHING has changed about him during the two years since his final D&D. He's the same exact manipulative, con artist that he was when I met him. In fact, xnh is using the same exact techniques on OW as he used on me. Poor, poor little xnh. His wife (me) was just SO horrible to him. He is SUCH a little victim. Nothing is ever his fault. In addition, I'm sure OW is SO much more special than "any other woman" he's ever met, according xnh. This will be said during the honeymoon phase (only) of their relationship, of course. That will change soon enough, when his devalue and discard begins. Right now, OW is his "soul mate". It's all the same lies he used on me. I'm sure it's the same garbage his used to snare his first wife. It's the same type b.s. xnh has used on every other source of supply (aka, victim) in his past.
Meanwhile OW's "fall from grace", in the future, is going hurt her just as badly as it did any of the rest of us having relationships with xnh. As we all know, every single source of narcissistic supply will come tumbling off that very high pedestal, at some point. The narc never changes (for anyone...ever).
As far as how I feel about xnh being with OW, that old quote rings SO very true. "Any woman that steals another woman's husband, deserves to keep him". These are wise words. Xnh is so very much NOT a prize. Well, maybe he's a "booby prize" for the loser in the contest. Anyone that "wins" him, is really on the short end of the stick. OW can just keep xnh (at least until he D&D's her, and moves onto his next victim). When he's done with her, she'll be discarded just like yesterday's trash. Right now, she's stuck with a true turd. rofl.
Better her than me. I'm rid of xnh, and my life is SO much happier now without him ANYWHERE in it. When applied to xnh, I say, "Good riddance to bad rubbish!" :)
"the new opportunity, the new enabler, the current - the present, past, and future enablers - mmmmm let see - I no longer cry even just a little that a psychopath is giving some other opportunity his GRAND PERFORMANCE - the curtain will come crashing down and I left this poor act a long long time ago -
I read that article and I think I was actually holding my breath through most to it. So frighteningly true. My NP would use the term "it's a means to an end", which was used a couple times in that piece.
I too see him flaunting her around, as I live in a small town. Even after all this time, it's still difficult for me. But I DO know I was her at one time and I remember what things were like behind closed doors for me. I too put up the face that everything was wonderful in front of others and I am sure she's doing the same thing.
I only hope for her and her children that she doesn't let it continue. Although I am not so sure as she has no other means to take care of herself and her children other than him.
I got away and it was and still is difficult for me sometimes. But I know me and my girls are much better off without being a part of his screwed up life.
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I confidently say that it's just a matter of time before SHE gets hurt. I KNOW that eventually someone will be calling me for comparisons.
I know he can't keep up the performance for long and I know he has no impulse control. I hope she doesn't have children.I hope she doesn't get hurt.
THe honeymoon phase is hard because it all LOOKS so perfect...especially to outsiders. But I KNOW the sickness builds..and it won't be long before the honeymoon is over.
Unless she is a better N/P than he is...well if that's the case....HE will be at the other end of the game.
Only time will tell....but I'm glad I'M NO part of it any LONGER!!
is how xnWanna B described on his FB page his decision to not re-engage with me and to go after a NGF (who happened to have dated him 12 years ago, so she was old supply)
We had been apart for 6 weeks, and then saw each other at a Christening. I was civil to him, but unresponsive. I guess he figured it was time to move on and the next day on FB wrote: "time for a new plan"...and few days later was dating NGF.
How would you like to be described as a "new plan"???. I can only feel sorry for her. Mr. Toad's Wild Ride is just getting going for her. WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
don't worry about the new woman, it's true her turn will come soon. As I look back on when my N first left in 2010 all I wanted to do was no who she was, was she better than me, look younger, more money, better job or what. Well I speak from experience with in 6 months he had left her. walked out one day she went to work, he had borrowed money from her to get gas so he could move in with the other woman. Well 7 mo after moving in with her, she was on public assistance they threw his happy ass out and that is when I come back into the picture.. I was the fallback girl.. Not knowing my ex was an N at the time.. So trust me every body will get there share of pain dealing with him. We are blessed we don't have to partake unless we want too.. God bless!
badride I tell myself this is what all Narcissists do in the beginning to secure your love. He did this to other women before you, with you, and will with every woman after you. It is the treatment that every idealized partner gets in the beginning until they are devalued and eventually discarded.
She did not hit the jackpot with him. He DID NOT change for her. Sadly, she WILL get the same treatment you did. Keeping this thought in my head is what helps me not get caught up in the illusion of him again. I don't believe he is showering her with love, attention, and gifts because his feelings are genuine. If I start believing THAT then I am at square one when I thought he was capable of loving ME!! As if I didn't learn ANYTHING about this disorder in the 2 months I have been NC because I wasn't doing the work!!
Knowledge=Power READ, READ, READ
excellent points, LF.
And I love your simpsons' avatar. hee hee too funny! :)
hahaha thanks Deidre!!! You are awesome, girl!!! Love reading your replies!!
I would tell myself, this is a channel I need to change, and not look at the horror unfolding before me, any longer.
How is this new woman able to 'flaunt' this relationship in front of you? Do you, she and he work together? If so, that can be tremendously hard to deal with, I'm sure.
If she does not work with you, and you are reading about this on facebook, or wherever...it's time to change the channel. ;)
That One day she will watch in HORROR....as you are doing now.....
D talks about changing the channel - its nothing but a HORROR FLICK to experience and watch - she is NOT ANOTHER WOMAN she is another victim and enabler - she may have the same sex of a woman but to him she is just another opportunity - another believer, another person thing or object just as you once were - psychopaths view all people as opportunities to feed them - depends on what the particular psycho is looking for; sex, money, help with rent, image, a warm body so he is not alone, all these things enable the psychopath further to maintain his normal status and or image - and of course to triangulate - we tear ourselves up with wondering what she had that we didnt, - why is he with her and not me - be careful when you ask yourself that question because you are asking why a psychopath doesnt want you and that doesnt sound like a very healthy question around someone that has never been through this experience - but in reality it is NOT a normal and healthy question to ask - because who in the hell would want to live with a psychopath - well we all did at one time when we didnt know what he was - you marry a prince and one day you wake up to a freak that never loved you - how do I handle the other woman? she is just further lost than I am and I found my way out -
I couldn't say it better NLB. I will add though, that this is why is is critical to learn everything possible about this disorder. Once you truly understand how these predators work, you will be grateful you are no longer with them.
Stay true to you!
Janie always says it best here Stay true to you and do not worry about what he is doing and what his new woman is doing stay true to you! She has told me time after time ( thanks) and it's true you have to stay true to you or you will drive yourself insane!
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